As I now sit in Geneva, NY, t minus 14 hours until the start of the Musselman Triathlon, with my nerves going through the roof (if that were really possible)...I think that means this is the perfect time to bring a little humor into the day, and share the story of our trip to this wonderful town.
We started the day off with packing my parents Explorer completely full. But Cedric was able to be packed in, while minimizing the risk of damage. I'll not give you any suspense to this bit, and let you know now that he made it to NY in once piece. Well...technically 2 because I did take off his front wheel. Needless to say, all is well on the bike front.
So...since my dad has already been to a triathlon before, we started off by trying to prepare my mom a bit for what she would experience over the next few days. Her immediate question was "where did you get this desire to do crazy things from?"
I think now would be a good time to share a couple of anecdotes about my Grandma Stein.
Perhaps one of the most famous stories about my Grandma as a young girl involves a large hill, and a pair of roller skates. Oh yes, and train tracks. So...do we really think this story is going anywhere good? Anyway, the story goes that my Grandma was out roller skating one day, like kids did back in the day, and my Grandma thought it would be a good idea to skate down this hill. And of course, at the bottom of this hill was a set of train tracks. So as my Grandma is skating at speeds no human should skate down a hill (without a helmet, or any other type of protective gear) she notices that there are, in fact, train tracks at the bottom of the hill. So of course, by the time she gets there, she has no viable means to stop. So she just jumps over the tracks, and continues skating. No harm, no foul. Just another day in the life.
Of course, this is also the girl, that when provoked by her older brother, chased him around the entire house with a broom threatening death upon his head.
So...does anyone else have any questions about where I got this from?
I didn't think so.
So after I reminded my mom about this...she kind of kept quiet about the whole situation. The mere fact that the crazy gene skipped a generation is not my fault.
So now onto the remainder of the story of our roadtrip...I'll also mention that the past week, I've been drinking approximately 2 gallons of water a day...at least. Which really is probably only about a half gallon more than normal for me. I know, I know, I'm not human. But this also meant that I had to pee about every 15 minutes. Maybe 30 if I could stretch it. And I swear, I informed my parents about this. I told my dad that a well hydrated athlete was worse than a toddler in the middle of potty training. Did he believe me, or perhaps realize the reality of this situation? Of course not!
So it's an hour into the drive, and not only am I need in dire need, so is my mother. HA! It's not all my fault! Then it's another hour into the drive. Uh...dad? :) And by this time, it's to the point in the day where I've already had my second breakfast, so I'm thinking about where we're going to eat lunch. We finally decide on a Lonestar in some town that I couldn't remember the name of if you paid me. Lunch time also typically means more caffeine time for Johanna (and this, of course, is not something wise to deprive me of) so I order coffee with lunch. And it's possible I might have drank 2 cups in addition to the 3 glasses of water I drank. My dad was hoping we would be able to at least make it outside the city limits before needing another stop. Well...we did. Barely. An hour later...Dadddddeeeeeeeeeee...I have to peeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! So we start looking for places, and the only thing available is a small convenience store in an even smaller town. I rush in the door, and must have had a crazy look on my face. Two guys in the store immediately told me where the bathroom was without me even needing to ask. Whew. At some point over the next couple of hours, I'm pretty sure I drank more water. And I'm pretty sure I took a little nap, because the next thing I knew, we were in NY, and we had to make another stop. At this point, I realize we're about an hour from Geneva, and we're probably going to make it there without another necessary pit stop. That is, until we got to Watkins Glen. And what do we see as we're driving through town? A cute little shop advertising Vegan Soft Serve. Sorry folks, but this is an emergency. We're going to need to stop. Right now.
It was amazing, and completely, utterly, ridiculously the right thing to do. I smile at the mere thought. And of course, it's good to have your priorities straight.
Back on the road...we finally get to Geneva, and check into the Athlete's Village (which was much more of a disaster than it should have been, but we survived. We were able to bring in at least one load of luggage. And then it was off to the MicroMussel. Let's just say, it has been a LONG time since I have laughed that hard. Or seen so many adults trying to ride a tricycle.
But I guess you might be wondering what we did during this lovely road trip, other than worry about where were going to be able to stop to pee. I was a little worried about the drive because I'm not a huge fan of road trips. I really am not a fan of spending that much time in a vehicle. But this was really lovely. And there's no other way to describe it. The drive up is utterly gorgeous. I was a little disappointed that the drive through Gettysburg really doesn't show anything cool, like a battlefield or something. But hey, you DO get to see the outlet malls. It's nearly all through the mountains, and the last hour as you're along Lake Seneca was breathe taking at times. So instead of my normal "hurry up and let's just get there already" it was really nice to be able to relax, and enjoy what we saw along the way (and ate) and get there when you get there.
Final tally:
160-ish oz of water
2 cups of coffee
7 stops
340 miles
8.5 hours
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Food: Friend or Foe
I've kept it no secret that I've had issues with food for...well...my entire life. And this ranges from multiple rounds of eating disorders, to gaining a massive amount of weight that got me up to almost 300 pounds...and then losing over 100 of those pounds. And to date, I still have a daily struggle with food. And most days, will readily admit that I'm addicted to food. Not only do I love food...I mean really good food. I think about food all the time. And if I go 15 minutes without eating something, I get a little shaky. And seriously...it's not like "normal" addictions where you can just go cold turkey. Because if you go cold turkey on food, that's called "anorexia" and that's just not a good thing either.
So, for the past year (ish) I've had a really weird struggle. I will do wonderfully all day long at eating healthy, staying within my intended calorie goal. And then evening comes along and I can't shove food into my mouth fast enough. Or get enough in there.
And for a really long time, I thought I was crazy, and that it was simply a mental problem that I needed to overcome. But seriously...Ironman training, not a good time to tell me I can't eat food. You might not come back with any fingers.
But today, I read an article courtesy of USAT that made a light bulb go off over my head.
I have been starving myself. Not that I haven't been eating, I just haven't been eating enough. In fact, I was about 500 calories off of my baseline calorie intake (at least according to this article). And 500 calories, that's actually a lot of food.
So, we're going to try something new. We're going to try to eat more. And I'm going to go back to my "it's ok to eat 1 cookie a day" rule. Normally, I'm fine with that rule, but with the whole binge eating at night problem, I've restricted myself from cookies in general, unless I intentionally wanted to binge, then I'd have a hard time resisting that aisle at Whole Foods.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going completely off the deep end with junk food. At least that's not the intention. I realize how much better I feel when I eat healthy, and I'm making no plans to change that on the grand scheme of things...but in small portions, I'm ok with that. I mean...working out a minimum of 15 hours a week...I think that deserves a cookie.
Though, this does allow me to address something that some of my non-endurance athlete friends have said to me a lot lately. "You're working out all the time, you can eat whatever you want."
That sounds really nice, but it couldn't be further from the truth. If anything, I have to be more careful about what I eat BECAUSE I work out all the time. I have to make sure I eat enough protein, and carbs, and fat, but not too much fat. All for optimal performance value.
And at the end of the day, I'm going to try to care less about what the number on the scale says, and value more how I feel, and even more what the tape measure says.
A little over a year ago, I weighed the least that I have as an adult, and I was the smallest as I had ever been as an adult. This year, I now weigh about 10 pounds more than I did, but I'm the same size. And I'm ok with that.
So I'm sure that this is going to continue to be a daily struggle for me, but I'm hoping that one of these days, food and I can be on friendly terms without being TOO friendly.
So, for the past year (ish) I've had a really weird struggle. I will do wonderfully all day long at eating healthy, staying within my intended calorie goal. And then evening comes along and I can't shove food into my mouth fast enough. Or get enough in there.
And for a really long time, I thought I was crazy, and that it was simply a mental problem that I needed to overcome. But seriously...Ironman training, not a good time to tell me I can't eat food. You might not come back with any fingers.
But today, I read an article courtesy of USAT that made a light bulb go off over my head.
I have been starving myself. Not that I haven't been eating, I just haven't been eating enough. In fact, I was about 500 calories off of my baseline calorie intake (at least according to this article). And 500 calories, that's actually a lot of food.
So, we're going to try something new. We're going to try to eat more. And I'm going to go back to my "it's ok to eat 1 cookie a day" rule. Normally, I'm fine with that rule, but with the whole binge eating at night problem, I've restricted myself from cookies in general, unless I intentionally wanted to binge, then I'd have a hard time resisting that aisle at Whole Foods.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going completely off the deep end with junk food. At least that's not the intention. I realize how much better I feel when I eat healthy, and I'm making no plans to change that on the grand scheme of things...but in small portions, I'm ok with that. I mean...working out a minimum of 15 hours a week...I think that deserves a cookie.
Though, this does allow me to address something that some of my non-endurance athlete friends have said to me a lot lately. "You're working out all the time, you can eat whatever you want."
That sounds really nice, but it couldn't be further from the truth. If anything, I have to be more careful about what I eat BECAUSE I work out all the time. I have to make sure I eat enough protein, and carbs, and fat, but not too much fat. All for optimal performance value.
And at the end of the day, I'm going to try to care less about what the number on the scale says, and value more how I feel, and even more what the tape measure says.
A little over a year ago, I weighed the least that I have as an adult, and I was the smallest as I had ever been as an adult. This year, I now weigh about 10 pounds more than I did, but I'm the same size. And I'm ok with that.
So I'm sure that this is going to continue to be a daily struggle for me, but I'm hoping that one of these days, food and I can be on friendly terms without being TOO friendly.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Huh
Exhilarating title. I know. But that's pretty much what my mind feels like right now.
It is now Monday morning, after recovery weekend. And this is also the beginning of taper for Musselman. Historically, I don't like taper. I get cranky. I consistently feel like I'm going to throw up. And in short, I'm a joy to be around. It's not because the workouts are getting shorter, though after such a significant build cycle (which for me has lasted about a month) once could, potentially blame it on that. It's because taper means the race is getting closer. A lot closer.
Less than 3 weeks closer.
So the nervous energy that I normally carry around, where I can't sit still for more than 40 minutes at a time, gets a lot worse. A LOT worse. This is the time of year that you might find me baking up a storm. Or crocheting an afghan. Or something to use up this nervous energy. I can't, and don't want, to sit still. Good for training. Bad for down time.
Prime example: this past weekend. It's recovery weekend, which means I should be able to spend an ample amount of time sitting on my couch doing absolutely nothing. Which don't get me wrong, I did. But I also did a lot more than that. I ran (a mere 5 miles). I went to lunch with my college roommate who made her annual trek to visit her sister in VA. I went to a jazz concert. I read a book. Yes, an entire book. I went for a bike ride. I did laundry. Took a couple of naps. And all before 1pm on Sunday. So I then decided I should probably make some food for the week, and I think by the looks of my refrigerator I should be able to not cook until at least Tuesday. Oh...and I gave myself a manicure, which looks pretty good, if I do say so myself. And then started watching "It Happened One Night." But couldn't completely finish it because I nearly passed out. So we'll add that to the list of stuff I need to do today.
As mentioned in previous posts, I've had a lot of my mind lately. I promise though, this will be far less of a rant than before. And I'm going to really try to keep it positive this time.
1) I realized this morning that for the second year in a row, my dad will be driving to DC on his birthday. To, once again, take care of me. Last year it was surgery. This year, half-Ironman. Both painful to get through, but you rarely get the good drugs with a triathlon. I'll probably sleep about an equal amount of time after both. And, of course, my mother is going to be equally as nervous before and during both. (Something for those of your cheering at Musselman are going to have so much fun experiencing)
2) I can't decide between growing my hair out (long enough to pull up) or keep it uber short. Thoughts?
3) I am not one to really take the time to pamper myself. Though with the damage that I am currently doing to my body, I have been thinking lately that this might not be a bad idea. So I have figured out a way to do this, and not take any more time than I normally spend doing...stuff...to my body. I bought nice soap, shampoo, conditioner, shave cream and lotion. Just replacing the normal stuff that I use has made a huge difference. Seems weird, but it's true. I've noticed that long after I get out of the shower, I catch a hint of mint (mmm) and it makes me smile. Or how soft my legs feel against my cycling shorts. Amazing.
4) I read something earlier today that spoke of how in today's society we rarely take the time to do...well...anything. In our fast food, facebook, email communication, work-aholic lifestyle...we don't take time like they used to back in the day (and I'm talking about like when my grandparents were courting time). We rarely sit down to dinner. Myself, I don't even own a real table. Ok, so I technically have 2, but neither of them currently live in my apartment with me. We don't write letters. We email. Don't get me wrong, I love facebook, because without it I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with a lot of people, including half of my family. But this also means that much of our communication has been abbreviated to 1 or 2 sentences, (or 1 or 2 words) as opposed to taking the time to sit down and write a letter. Maybe it's just the stress of training and busy season at work, but I miss being able to take the time to do stuff like this. And this is not the first time I've had this thought, but every once in a while I like to think that one day I'll be able to relax a little and take more time to do some of this stuff.
It is now Monday morning, after recovery weekend. And this is also the beginning of taper for Musselman. Historically, I don't like taper. I get cranky. I consistently feel like I'm going to throw up. And in short, I'm a joy to be around. It's not because the workouts are getting shorter, though after such a significant build cycle (which for me has lasted about a month) once could, potentially blame it on that. It's because taper means the race is getting closer. A lot closer.
Less than 3 weeks closer.
So the nervous energy that I normally carry around, where I can't sit still for more than 40 minutes at a time, gets a lot worse. A LOT worse. This is the time of year that you might find me baking up a storm. Or crocheting an afghan. Or something to use up this nervous energy. I can't, and don't want, to sit still. Good for training. Bad for down time.
Prime example: this past weekend. It's recovery weekend, which means I should be able to spend an ample amount of time sitting on my couch doing absolutely nothing. Which don't get me wrong, I did. But I also did a lot more than that. I ran (a mere 5 miles). I went to lunch with my college roommate who made her annual trek to visit her sister in VA. I went to a jazz concert. I read a book. Yes, an entire book. I went for a bike ride. I did laundry. Took a couple of naps. And all before 1pm on Sunday. So I then decided I should probably make some food for the week, and I think by the looks of my refrigerator I should be able to not cook until at least Tuesday. Oh...and I gave myself a manicure, which looks pretty good, if I do say so myself. And then started watching "It Happened One Night." But couldn't completely finish it because I nearly passed out. So we'll add that to the list of stuff I need to do today.
As mentioned in previous posts, I've had a lot of my mind lately. I promise though, this will be far less of a rant than before. And I'm going to really try to keep it positive this time.
1) I realized this morning that for the second year in a row, my dad will be driving to DC on his birthday. To, once again, take care of me. Last year it was surgery. This year, half-Ironman. Both painful to get through, but you rarely get the good drugs with a triathlon. I'll probably sleep about an equal amount of time after both. And, of course, my mother is going to be equally as nervous before and during both. (Something for those of your cheering at Musselman are going to have so much fun experiencing)
2) I can't decide between growing my hair out (long enough to pull up) or keep it uber short. Thoughts?
3) I am not one to really take the time to pamper myself. Though with the damage that I am currently doing to my body, I have been thinking lately that this might not be a bad idea. So I have figured out a way to do this, and not take any more time than I normally spend doing...stuff...to my body. I bought nice soap, shampoo, conditioner, shave cream and lotion. Just replacing the normal stuff that I use has made a huge difference. Seems weird, but it's true. I've noticed that long after I get out of the shower, I catch a hint of mint (mmm) and it makes me smile. Or how soft my legs feel against my cycling shorts. Amazing.
4) I read something earlier today that spoke of how in today's society we rarely take the time to do...well...anything. In our fast food, facebook, email communication, work-aholic lifestyle...we don't take time like they used to back in the day (and I'm talking about like when my grandparents were courting time). We rarely sit down to dinner. Myself, I don't even own a real table. Ok, so I technically have 2, but neither of them currently live in my apartment with me. We don't write letters. We email. Don't get me wrong, I love facebook, because without it I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with a lot of people, including half of my family. But this also means that much of our communication has been abbreviated to 1 or 2 sentences, (or 1 or 2 words) as opposed to taking the time to sit down and write a letter. Maybe it's just the stress of training and busy season at work, but I miss being able to take the time to do stuff like this. And this is not the first time I've had this thought, but every once in a while I like to think that one day I'll be able to relax a little and take more time to do some of this stuff.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A Lot on My Mind
I'm not quite sure how to start this. I have about a million thoughts roaming through my head right now, and I'm not sure I can even get them straight so it could make sense.
I guess to start with, the most oppressive thought right now is I'm alone. I have been for a long time, but the past couple of months I have had an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I know that moving to DC has been the right thing for me. And I have met some amazing people since I've been here. But I don't have anyone that's mine more than they are anyone else's. Since my old roommate moved back home, I have no one to go to dinner with, or go to the movies. My phone doesn't ring.
I understand that life is busy for everyone. It's definitely busy for me. I get that life is busy. But I don't want it to be so busy that we can't or won't make time for other people.
5 years ago, if you had asked me, I would have told you that I wanted to get married. And I always have wanted to. But I never wanted to have children when I was growing up. I was too afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent. As I got a little older, it was more that I didn't want to have children with my ex...and his family. And somewhere since then, it has changed into a husband a children are all I want. So many times I have thought that I would gladly give up everything in my life to have a husband and children. I don't want to have to give up my life. I want to continue to be able to do crazy endurance sports. I want to work. But I want that too. And if I had to choose just one...I'd go with the family.
I think it hit the hardest when my Grandma mentioned to my Aunt over Christmas that I would be a good mom one day. For most people, this might not be an unusual comment to hear from a Grandma, but it's definitely a rare comment coming from my Grandma. It isn't that she doesn't love us. She just tends to be very reserved with her affection. And a comment like that means a lot.
Writing something like this is not an easy thing for me to do. Talking about my feelings, asking for help, etc...not something I do easily, or without feeling guilty. And I have contemplated for a long time writing about how I have been feeling. You could say I'm more the "suffer in silence" type. In this particular case, one of the things that I absolutely don't want, and a major factor in my hesitation, is the relatively phony sounding "Oh that's not true, we love you, you're wonderful" type comments. Ok, so whoever reads that might not be thinking that exact same thing. But I guarantee someone would come up with something like that. And to be honest, I don't want to hear it. That's not my purpose in writing this. Consider this one, big vent.
I have a type...of guy...that I like. And sadly, I've never dated someone that was "my type." There is a list of stuff that I really want. The list has a name. But I would probably get made fun of. And besides, it's a personal thing. 6'4". Brown hair. Brown eyes. Killer smile. Good with a first aid kit. Strong enough to pick me up off the ground when (not if) I need it. And there are moments I want to bury my face in the crook of his (whoever he might be) shoulder and get a hug. Sometimes, it's hard for me to breathe I want that so much.
I have, however, dated a few guys that are really not my type, and frankly, probably shouldn't be anyone's type. Not so nice guys. But I didn't think I could do any better...so I went with it. But now, most of the time, I do know better, and I refuse to settle. Not anymore. I know it's better to be single than to be in a relationship that isn't good. But it's so much better to be in a relationship that's good. I can make the bed by myself. But it's so much easier when there's someone else to help.
I sometimes think that maybe I'm so wrapped up in my own (the right word is failing me...misery, loneliness, pity) that I don't see what I could be doing for someone else. How I can be a good friend to someone else? And I think a lot of times that problem isn't just mine. I think sometimes I don't want to bug people, so I just don't say anything. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll annoy the other person. Or sometimes I just get tired of making the effort all the time. My mom always tells me that I need to make an effort to keep that connection with people. But when it seems like you're pulling teeth just to get there, and you're not getting anything in return, it's not much fun sometimes. But you have to do it, because the other person just isn't going to. And unfortunately, most of the people I can't exactly get rid of.
Some days, it seems like I check my email a thousand times, begging to get an email from someone. And it seems pathetic. And 99.9% of the time, I'm completely disappointed. I just keep hoping, someday, out of the blue, something is going to click.
You know, for as much as I am hopeful, I've just about given up on ever finding "the one." I try to keep faith, but at the same time, I am scared to get my hopes up, because it really might not ever happen. I know, I know, I still have time. But at the ripe age of 29.75, it feels like I've waiting long enough. And I don't really want to be 40 chasing a toddler around.
Turning things around a little. I don't want it to seem like I never get anything from my friends. I do, occasionally, and when I do, it probably means more to me than people realize. Just the offer of a ride, or someone telling me they look forward to seeing me means a lot. Definitely something I could probably use more of.
Turning back now (please forgive me, but this is a vent after all). I'm invisible sometimes. Sometimes it's an "out of sight, out of mind" type of invisible. I'm not in the room, so people forget, or just don't care, how awesome I normally am. Sometimes, I'm in the room, and people just don't see me. And I know that it isn't just me. But a good example. I was waiting to get on a plane this morning, and I was patiently waiting to walk up to the counter to have my boarding pass scanned. They were holding off a bit because the jet bridge was getting backed up, so I hung back a bit, but I thought it was still rather obvious I was waiting to get on the plane. And a group of about 10 people walked up and walked right past me, and cut in line. I had a bright orange dress on, and they were so wrapped up in their own world that they couldn't see me standing there waiting to get on the plane. And the guy that sat in front of me kept fidgeting in his seat, completely oblivious to the fact that the girl sitting behind him has ridiculously long legs and is going to end up with bruised knees because he kept pushing his seat back, and kept hitting me. Again, I get that this doesn't just happen to me.
So anyway, I still have a lot going through my mind. But I'm not sure if I can continue to write right now. So if you've made it through this far, thanks for letting me vent. :)
I guess to start with, the most oppressive thought right now is I'm alone. I have been for a long time, but the past couple of months I have had an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I know that moving to DC has been the right thing for me. And I have met some amazing people since I've been here. But I don't have anyone that's mine more than they are anyone else's. Since my old roommate moved back home, I have no one to go to dinner with, or go to the movies. My phone doesn't ring.
I understand that life is busy for everyone. It's definitely busy for me. I get that life is busy. But I don't want it to be so busy that we can't or won't make time for other people.
5 years ago, if you had asked me, I would have told you that I wanted to get married. And I always have wanted to. But I never wanted to have children when I was growing up. I was too afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent. As I got a little older, it was more that I didn't want to have children with my ex...and his family. And somewhere since then, it has changed into a husband a children are all I want. So many times I have thought that I would gladly give up everything in my life to have a husband and children. I don't want to have to give up my life. I want to continue to be able to do crazy endurance sports. I want to work. But I want that too. And if I had to choose just one...I'd go with the family.
I think it hit the hardest when my Grandma mentioned to my Aunt over Christmas that I would be a good mom one day. For most people, this might not be an unusual comment to hear from a Grandma, but it's definitely a rare comment coming from my Grandma. It isn't that she doesn't love us. She just tends to be very reserved with her affection. And a comment like that means a lot.
Writing something like this is not an easy thing for me to do. Talking about my feelings, asking for help, etc...not something I do easily, or without feeling guilty. And I have contemplated for a long time writing about how I have been feeling. You could say I'm more the "suffer in silence" type. In this particular case, one of the things that I absolutely don't want, and a major factor in my hesitation, is the relatively phony sounding "Oh that's not true, we love you, you're wonderful" type comments. Ok, so whoever reads that might not be thinking that exact same thing. But I guarantee someone would come up with something like that. And to be honest, I don't want to hear it. That's not my purpose in writing this. Consider this one, big vent.
I have a type...of guy...that I like. And sadly, I've never dated someone that was "my type." There is a list of stuff that I really want. The list has a name. But I would probably get made fun of. And besides, it's a personal thing. 6'4". Brown hair. Brown eyes. Killer smile. Good with a first aid kit. Strong enough to pick me up off the ground when (not if) I need it. And there are moments I want to bury my face in the crook of his (whoever he might be) shoulder and get a hug. Sometimes, it's hard for me to breathe I want that so much.
I have, however, dated a few guys that are really not my type, and frankly, probably shouldn't be anyone's type. Not so nice guys. But I didn't think I could do any better...so I went with it. But now, most of the time, I do know better, and I refuse to settle. Not anymore. I know it's better to be single than to be in a relationship that isn't good. But it's so much better to be in a relationship that's good. I can make the bed by myself. But it's so much easier when there's someone else to help.
I sometimes think that maybe I'm so wrapped up in my own (the right word is failing me...misery, loneliness, pity) that I don't see what I could be doing for someone else. How I can be a good friend to someone else? And I think a lot of times that problem isn't just mine. I think sometimes I don't want to bug people, so I just don't say anything. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll annoy the other person. Or sometimes I just get tired of making the effort all the time. My mom always tells me that I need to make an effort to keep that connection with people. But when it seems like you're pulling teeth just to get there, and you're not getting anything in return, it's not much fun sometimes. But you have to do it, because the other person just isn't going to. And unfortunately, most of the people I can't exactly get rid of.
Some days, it seems like I check my email a thousand times, begging to get an email from someone. And it seems pathetic. And 99.9% of the time, I'm completely disappointed. I just keep hoping, someday, out of the blue, something is going to click.
You know, for as much as I am hopeful, I've just about given up on ever finding "the one." I try to keep faith, but at the same time, I am scared to get my hopes up, because it really might not ever happen. I know, I know, I still have time. But at the ripe age of 29.75, it feels like I've waiting long enough. And I don't really want to be 40 chasing a toddler around.
Turning things around a little. I don't want it to seem like I never get anything from my friends. I do, occasionally, and when I do, it probably means more to me than people realize. Just the offer of a ride, or someone telling me they look forward to seeing me means a lot. Definitely something I could probably use more of.
Turning back now (please forgive me, but this is a vent after all). I'm invisible sometimes. Sometimes it's an "out of sight, out of mind" type of invisible. I'm not in the room, so people forget, or just don't care, how awesome I normally am. Sometimes, I'm in the room, and people just don't see me. And I know that it isn't just me. But a good example. I was waiting to get on a plane this morning, and I was patiently waiting to walk up to the counter to have my boarding pass scanned. They were holding off a bit because the jet bridge was getting backed up, so I hung back a bit, but I thought it was still rather obvious I was waiting to get on the plane. And a group of about 10 people walked up and walked right past me, and cut in line. I had a bright orange dress on, and they were so wrapped up in their own world that they couldn't see me standing there waiting to get on the plane. And the guy that sat in front of me kept fidgeting in his seat, completely oblivious to the fact that the girl sitting behind him has ridiculously long legs and is going to end up with bruised knees because he kept pushing his seat back, and kept hitting me. Again, I get that this doesn't just happen to me.
So anyway, I still have a lot going through my mind. But I'm not sure if I can continue to write right now. So if you've made it through this far, thanks for letting me vent. :)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Oops.
It's a very good thing that my dad is so good at organizing and scheduling. A couple of weeks ago, I requested vacation time for Musselman. For the weekend after the Fourth of July.
Anyone else see a problem with this? Because my dad definitely did.
See...last year when I was supposed to do Musselman, it was the weekend after the Fourth. And so this year, now that I'm actually going to compete...I was still thinking that it was the weekend after the Fourth.
So Dad corrected me. And I corrected the vacation time. AND...best of all...I have an extra week to train than I thought I did before :)
And now that we're gearing up for peak training weekend, I'm collecting ice, buying Gatorade in mass quantities...and hoping that the weather is decent.
EEK!!
Anyone else see a problem with this? Because my dad definitely did.
See...last year when I was supposed to do Musselman, it was the weekend after the Fourth. And so this year, now that I'm actually going to compete...I was still thinking that it was the weekend after the Fourth.
So Dad corrected me. And I corrected the vacation time. AND...best of all...I have an extra week to train than I thought I did before :)
And now that we're gearing up for peak training weekend, I'm collecting ice, buying Gatorade in mass quantities...and hoping that the weather is decent.
EEK!!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Oh...so THAT'S what training is supposed to be like
Well...for the first time since Shamrock in March, I made an important decision last week. I looked at a training schedule.
And I realized that I should be spending a lot of time on my bike. At least a lot more than I have been. So I have a lot of work to do in the next month and a half (can that really be right?!?) before Musselman.
But this weekend had been in my head to be a good, long training weekend. I have 3 days. So the plan literally has been to do a long run, "long" ride, and to rest.
So I wake up early yesterday morning...completely on my own...which is not that unusual. But I felt I had slept really well, so I went with it. And after breakfast, I decided I might as well go to the grocery store now because I knew I wouldn't really feel like it after my run. And then I sat down. And started ready Assassination Vacation...which side note: This book completely makes me want to take a road trip and get my nerd on. And also makes me thankful that while growing up, my parents did drive us all over the country on educational vacations so I have already been to a lot of the famous Lincoln sites...but I definitely want to re-visit them ALL.
But back to what I was supposed to be doing yesterday. Which is running. Sitting down is typically the killer to any desire that I have to work out. This couch...it is so comfortable. And this book...it is so interesting. And this day...it is so hot. I shall never survive if I leave the house to run 10 miles.
So I got over myself, and started running. The goal was to run 10 miles or 2 hours - whichever came first. Historically, for me, the 10 mile training run has been the epitome of getting my ass handed to me.
I am happy to report that I ended up finishing 10.35 miles in 1 hour and 50 minutes (this includes walking up a couple of small hills, as well as taking a short break to re-fill one of my water bottles). And I got back home, and I, of course, had the thought "oh...that was it?"
So I'd already gone to the grocery store, and did a 10 mile run...I had every right to lay around on the couch for the rest of the day and do nothing...right? Enter the moment where we realize Johanna does not know the definition of the word "relax." I ended up going back to the grocery store because I realized my chocolate almond milk was now the consistency of snot...and after finishing a 10 mile run...what tastes better than chocolate milk? And then I decided I needed to give myself a manicure and pedicure...which instead of spending $40 to treat myself, I spent 2 hours curled into a pretzel doing it myself. And of course the kitchen needed to be cleaned.
And then I promptly passed out on the couch.
So today starts off with still getting up early. And more reading. And now I'm getting ready to do that lovely bike ride. And then I really am laying around on the couch...because my goal is to finish the book today. And it's possible that I might have the Indy 500 on while I do so...because it's the Indy 500...and even though I normally don't watch car racing...it kind of takes me back to my youth...when my brother used to get mad because we had to go to some family thing every year and he was mad because he had to miss the race.
So while my friends are still climbing those miserable mountains today...I'll be laying on my couch...drinking chocolate milk. I'll be thinking of you...and will be glad that our places are not reversed.
And I realized that I should be spending a lot of time on my bike. At least a lot more than I have been. So I have a lot of work to do in the next month and a half (can that really be right?!?) before Musselman.
But this weekend had been in my head to be a good, long training weekend. I have 3 days. So the plan literally has been to do a long run, "long" ride, and to rest.
So I wake up early yesterday morning...completely on my own...which is not that unusual. But I felt I had slept really well, so I went with it. And after breakfast, I decided I might as well go to the grocery store now because I knew I wouldn't really feel like it after my run. And then I sat down. And started ready Assassination Vacation...which side note: This book completely makes me want to take a road trip and get my nerd on. And also makes me thankful that while growing up, my parents did drive us all over the country on educational vacations so I have already been to a lot of the famous Lincoln sites...but I definitely want to re-visit them ALL.
But back to what I was supposed to be doing yesterday. Which is running. Sitting down is typically the killer to any desire that I have to work out. This couch...it is so comfortable. And this book...it is so interesting. And this day...it is so hot. I shall never survive if I leave the house to run 10 miles.
So I got over myself, and started running. The goal was to run 10 miles or 2 hours - whichever came first. Historically, for me, the 10 mile training run has been the epitome of getting my ass handed to me.
I am happy to report that I ended up finishing 10.35 miles in 1 hour and 50 minutes (this includes walking up a couple of small hills, as well as taking a short break to re-fill one of my water bottles). And I got back home, and I, of course, had the thought "oh...that was it?"
So I'd already gone to the grocery store, and did a 10 mile run...I had every right to lay around on the couch for the rest of the day and do nothing...right? Enter the moment where we realize Johanna does not know the definition of the word "relax." I ended up going back to the grocery store because I realized my chocolate almond milk was now the consistency of snot...and after finishing a 10 mile run...what tastes better than chocolate milk? And then I decided I needed to give myself a manicure and pedicure...which instead of spending $40 to treat myself, I spent 2 hours curled into a pretzel doing it myself. And of course the kitchen needed to be cleaned.
And then I promptly passed out on the couch.
So today starts off with still getting up early. And more reading. And now I'm getting ready to do that lovely bike ride. And then I really am laying around on the couch...because my goal is to finish the book today. And it's possible that I might have the Indy 500 on while I do so...because it's the Indy 500...and even though I normally don't watch car racing...it kind of takes me back to my youth...when my brother used to get mad because we had to go to some family thing every year and he was mad because he had to miss the race.
So while my friends are still climbing those miserable mountains today...I'll be laying on my couch...drinking chocolate milk. I'll be thinking of you...and will be glad that our places are not reversed.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I have a very clean bathroom...
...and kitchen...and, well...apartment.
Clean, to the point where I was on my hands and knees cleaning the floor.
What, you might ask, prompted such a spree of cleaning? Well...I got thrown for a bit of a loop today. I didn't really sleep in like I had hoped, and I ended up vegging on the couch most of the morning and I read a book. Yes, an entire book. Though I didn't drink as much coffee as I would have preferred, it was really very nice. Between mom's visit last weekend, working late at work, and long workouts, I haven't had much time to just enjoy the peace and quiet that my apartment often affords me. Then I finally decided I'd get a work out in. It went ok...nothing fantastic...and definitely nothing that is going to make finishing Musselman in a couple of months. But it did make me realize that I should start shopping for a new saddle soon.
Still nothing that threw me for a loop.
I check my email after I get done...and lo and behold...my ex has friended me on facebook. Now this is not an ex that ended on good terms. Let's just say that he was a bit of a control freak, and a manipulator. And just generally not a good guy. Hence why I kicked him to the curb.
It just made me feel like the past was creeping in on me...when at the moment, I'd much rather be moving forward. Personally...I like Cat's idea from last night...which includes a military doctor.
So what did I do? I started cleaning. I started in the bathroom. And it's now sparkling. And it wasn't until I was half way through the kitchen floor that I realized that if I let him affect me like this, he wins. And I don't like to lose. At all. So I immediately felt a little better.
I'm still in a bit of a funk...but not as bad as it could be.
Clean, to the point where I was on my hands and knees cleaning the floor.
What, you might ask, prompted such a spree of cleaning? Well...I got thrown for a bit of a loop today. I didn't really sleep in like I had hoped, and I ended up vegging on the couch most of the morning and I read a book. Yes, an entire book. Though I didn't drink as much coffee as I would have preferred, it was really very nice. Between mom's visit last weekend, working late at work, and long workouts, I haven't had much time to just enjoy the peace and quiet that my apartment often affords me. Then I finally decided I'd get a work out in. It went ok...nothing fantastic...and definitely nothing that is going to make finishing Musselman in a couple of months. But it did make me realize that I should start shopping for a new saddle soon.
Still nothing that threw me for a loop.
I check my email after I get done...and lo and behold...my ex has friended me on facebook. Now this is not an ex that ended on good terms. Let's just say that he was a bit of a control freak, and a manipulator. And just generally not a good guy. Hence why I kicked him to the curb.
It just made me feel like the past was creeping in on me...when at the moment, I'd much rather be moving forward. Personally...I like Cat's idea from last night...which includes a military doctor.
So what did I do? I started cleaning. I started in the bathroom. And it's now sparkling. And it wasn't until I was half way through the kitchen floor that I realized that if I let him affect me like this, he wins. And I don't like to lose. At all. So I immediately felt a little better.
I'm still in a bit of a funk...but not as bad as it could be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)