Hopes, Dreams, Desires

To say the least, I've had a bit of time on my hands lately. Unfortunately, much of this time has been spent laying on my couch, napping, watching movies, watching really bad TV shows because we only get 3 channels at home, and it's summer, and there really isn't anything good on TV. I've been forced into something that isn't my normal life. And I really don't like it. But it's given me the opportunity to think about some things that I do want for my life.

One of the strangest (and believe me, even at the time, this seemed strange) examples I can think of when it comes to wanting what you can't have right now is when I was in High School, and I would have the flu. Every single time I had the flu, all I could think about was going to Burger King, and eating a Whopper. Only Burger King. Only a Whopper. And of course, as soon as I would be able to eat again...that's exactly what I would do.

Now that I'm a bit older...and have eaten better food than a Whopper (not to mention the fact that food just doesn't seem that appealing right now) what I want isn't a Whopper. And not everything that I want is food related.

I want to live in a place that has an exposed brick wall.

I want to sit on the floor eating food with chopsticks (of course sitting on a pillow because my bony butt can't handle sitting on hard wood floors).

I want to start going to the gym to work on strength training to try to gain back more muscle than I've lost lately (which I can tell has been a lot).

I want someone in my life that will call me on my bullshit. Not someone that gets in my face about it...but when I try to shrug it off and say that I'm fine...they would say no you don't.

I want someone to wrap their arms around me when I'm cold.

I want to enjoy food again. I'm tired of going to the grocery store, and buying food because I know I should eat...but not finding anything appetizing. I have been living on turkey sandwiches and yogurt mixed with peanut butter for far too long. Ok...so the yogurt and PB was a staple in my life before...and I expect it will be long after this whole thing is over...but I want to enjoy something other than that. I can't remember the last time I even WANTED to eat Thai food. Or a real burger and fries.

I want to share some of my favorite meals that I make with other people.

I want to sit on my balcony drinking crisp, cold white wine on a warm summer evening.

I want to get up on weekend mornings and go for long runs...long runs before the heat becomes overwhelming, and tourists take over the city. Early mornings when DC is really for the people that live here.

I know that once life goes back to normal...life will get busy...and some of these things may go by the wayside. But I really hope they don't. And granted...I realize that some of these things aren't completely up to me. But I still hope they happen.

This has been a difficult thing for me to mentally accept that it's happening to me. But at the same time, I think that it might be a good thing that it has. Because if it hadn't...would I have had thought yesterday that the thing I want most in the world is to sit on my floor eating greasy Chinese food out of the box with chopsticks? I doubt it.

Either way...this is happening...and I can see the finish line. But unlike most races...I can't start sprinting to the finish. I have to pace myself. I have to wait...and be patient...and that's a really tough thing for me to do. But I will get there...and I think that I'll be a better person because of it.