Well, it's almost my birthday. Birthday's were always a big deal for our family growing up. We always had a big family dinner with lots of presents. And this wasn't just for the kids...it was for everyone. Birthday's had always been a big deal for my mom's family growing up, and she made a big deal for the kids too.
9 years ago, on my birthday, something happened that changed that day for...well...forever. It's something that I have grown to not want to talk about. Maybe it's less that I don't want to talk about it...it's more that I don't want the look of pity that always follows when I tell someone about it.
My grandparents had been sick for a long time...years. And on my 20th birthday my Grandma died. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when she walked in the door of my college apartment to tell me.
The following year, we had a celebration...a huge family party. We tried to make it a good day. But since then, it's been really hard. It's especially been hard on my mom. It was her mom that died...and I know she misses her. I miss her too.
Part of me feels selfish and guilty for saying this...but...I want my day back. I don't ever want to forget my Grandma. I just don't want her death forever associated with my birthday.
I am not normally a person who makes a huge deal out of holidays...except Christmas and my birthday. Christmas is obvious...and my birthday started when I was young. That was always the one day that was mine. We all had to eat what I wanted. I got the type of cake I wanted. People gave me presents. It was a good day for me. And maybe as an adult...less focus should be put on things like that. But I'm tired of the two things now being intertwined.
My friends have been great about celebrating my birthday. But the one phone call that day that should be so wonderful...the call from my mom...the woman who gave birth to me has forever been changed. She hasn't been able to get through a birthday phone call with me without crying...and more often then not, that conversation has turned into an argument.
So...I want my day back. I want that to be a good day. I can't change what happened. But I want my day back.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Wish List
Well, it's now less than 2 weeks away from my birthday, and always, around this time of year, I like to reflect back on the past year, and see how the year has been. An accounting of sorts.
So...let's take a look at the last year...so far:
*Finished the 2009 race season with the Army Ten Miler, meeting my time goal. +
*Spent Thanksgiving by myself -
*Realized that spending a holiday by yourself isn't really a bad thing +
*Spent Christmas at home with ridiculously cold weather +
*Ran my first ever marathon +
*Directly after marathon, I got the plague, and it took months to recover ---
*Finished my second full tri +
*Swam a relay for a half iron +
*Got sick, which was kind of a little painful -
*Went through a procedure that ended up being unnecessary -
*Was still sick, and went through more tests, still unable to figure out what was wrong -
*Finally figured out what was wrong...but needed surgery to fix the problem -
*Had to spend my first night in the hospital since birth -
*Recovered from surgery well, and was able to start working out again +
*Arrrgust arrived at work, and I spent 6 straight weeks traveling and training ---
+7
-12
Well...the minuses have won it this year...but not by a ton. And I always look for the positives that can come out of a situation. Some good things have happened this year...but it definitely feels like the negatives have won this year...by a landslide. It just feels like a rough year.
Yet, at the same time...I'm not looking forward to turning 29. I'm excited about the start of a new year...and what that new year might bring. But there's something about turning 29 that I just don't want to do. Maybe it's just getting another year older. Maybe it's the fact that this will be my last year in the 20's.
I should be excited...I'm just finding it very hard to do so.
I was thinking this afternoon on my walk home what I could possibly tell anyone that asked what I wanted for my birthday. I couldn't think of one thing that anyone could give me. I don't need material possessions. I can buy myself new running shoes, or anything else I might need. I'd like a new bike...but that's a bit more than I can ask for for my birthday.
There are things that I want. But it's not material possessions.
I think at the end of the day...I'd just like a better year next year. And if anyone can promise me that, I'll love you forever. But realistically...it's just not something anyone can promise.
But oh, how I wish it were.
So...let's take a look at the last year...so far:
*Finished the 2009 race season with the Army Ten Miler, meeting my time goal. +
*Spent Thanksgiving by myself -
*Realized that spending a holiday by yourself isn't really a bad thing +
*Spent Christmas at home with ridiculously cold weather +
*Ran my first ever marathon +
*Directly after marathon, I got the plague, and it took months to recover ---
*Finished my second full tri +
*Swam a relay for a half iron +
*Got sick, which was kind of a little painful -
*Went through a procedure that ended up being unnecessary -
*Was still sick, and went through more tests, still unable to figure out what was wrong -
*Finally figured out what was wrong...but needed surgery to fix the problem -
*Had to spend my first night in the hospital since birth -
*Recovered from surgery well, and was able to start working out again +
*Arrrgust arrived at work, and I spent 6 straight weeks traveling and training ---
+7
-12
Well...the minuses have won it this year...but not by a ton. And I always look for the positives that can come out of a situation. Some good things have happened this year...but it definitely feels like the negatives have won this year...by a landslide. It just feels like a rough year.
Yet, at the same time...I'm not looking forward to turning 29. I'm excited about the start of a new year...and what that new year might bring. But there's something about turning 29 that I just don't want to do. Maybe it's just getting another year older. Maybe it's the fact that this will be my last year in the 20's.
I should be excited...I'm just finding it very hard to do so.
I was thinking this afternoon on my walk home what I could possibly tell anyone that asked what I wanted for my birthday. I couldn't think of one thing that anyone could give me. I don't need material possessions. I can buy myself new running shoes, or anything else I might need. I'd like a new bike...but that's a bit more than I can ask for for my birthday.
There are things that I want. But it's not material possessions.
I think at the end of the day...I'd just like a better year next year. And if anyone can promise me that, I'll love you forever. But realistically...it's just not something anyone can promise.
But oh, how I wish it were.
Savageman: TakeTwo
Well, I'll keep this brief. I decided to relay Savageman for the second year in a row. The run, of course. Last year, I crossed the finish line in tears and came away from the weekend thinking that that course and I had unfinished business.
I knew that it was an ambitious goal. But I thought that I would be able to do it. Never mind the fact that I just had surgery 2 months before. Never mind the fact that I've been traveling for 6 weeks. Never mind the fact that I've had to walk up every hill I've ran lately because if I don't I was pushed into an asthma attack.
I ran the 10K on Saturday...and knew what the run course would be like. I ran it twice the year before. It was challenging. I didn't feel like I was really warmed up until I was almost 5 miles in...which makes sense because I don't get warmed up until I've ran 5 miles. So after the feeling that I was going to die...and trudging up the Fire Tower climb...I thought that the only appropriate way to celebrate surviving the 10K on that course was to run a half mary.
That makes sense...right?
It's only one of the hardest race courses in the world.
There's NOTHING that could go wrong here.
HA!
After finishing the 10K...I was in pain. My shin splints were better than I imagined...but I also had calf cramps like I've never had before.
Saturday morning, I felt ok. Better than I thought I would. But just ok. The shins were sore. The legs were sore in general. And I generally didn't want to run that course again. But I was there. And I had a team. So of course I was going to do it.
Starting the run felt better than the day before. I actually kind of already felt warmed up. That's about the only good thing I had going for me. My stomach was upset...but I think it was more nerves than anything. Coke while running was a very good thing. Close to the end of the first lap, my left hip flexor started hurting. And I really began thinking "this is a really stupid idea."
I survived the second lap. I walked a lot. But I survived. I also realized that I need to change a few things about my training. I wasn't trained enough...and I'm tired of dieing during races. I'm not exactly sure what the answer is...but I have a few ideas. But I did decide during the race that I'm done with that course. No more unfinished business. I tried 3 races there...and got my ass handed to me all 3 times. I'm done.
At least I didn't cry going over the finish line this time...
I knew that it was an ambitious goal. But I thought that I would be able to do it. Never mind the fact that I just had surgery 2 months before. Never mind the fact that I've been traveling for 6 weeks. Never mind the fact that I've had to walk up every hill I've ran lately because if I don't I was pushed into an asthma attack.
I ran the 10K on Saturday...and knew what the run course would be like. I ran it twice the year before. It was challenging. I didn't feel like I was really warmed up until I was almost 5 miles in...which makes sense because I don't get warmed up until I've ran 5 miles. So after the feeling that I was going to die...and trudging up the Fire Tower climb...I thought that the only appropriate way to celebrate surviving the 10K on that course was to run a half mary.
That makes sense...right?
It's only one of the hardest race courses in the world.
There's NOTHING that could go wrong here.
HA!
After finishing the 10K...I was in pain. My shin splints were better than I imagined...but I also had calf cramps like I've never had before.
Saturday morning, I felt ok. Better than I thought I would. But just ok. The shins were sore. The legs were sore in general. And I generally didn't want to run that course again. But I was there. And I had a team. So of course I was going to do it.
Starting the run felt better than the day before. I actually kind of already felt warmed up. That's about the only good thing I had going for me. My stomach was upset...but I think it was more nerves than anything. Coke while running was a very good thing. Close to the end of the first lap, my left hip flexor started hurting. And I really began thinking "this is a really stupid idea."
I survived the second lap. I walked a lot. But I survived. I also realized that I need to change a few things about my training. I wasn't trained enough...and I'm tired of dieing during races. I'm not exactly sure what the answer is...but I have a few ideas. But I did decide during the race that I'm done with that course. No more unfinished business. I tried 3 races there...and got my ass handed to me all 3 times. I'm done.
At least I didn't cry going over the finish line this time...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Throwing in the Towel
Instead of turning to one of my friends to talk to, because I am too scared to open up about this, I am doing what I do...which is write. Even my bff, whom I love and adore, I don't feel strong enough to say this to...even though I know she loves me...and knows how crazy I am, or am not. I guess I've just had a hard time opening up about some things. And it feels weird. I guess because I feel like other people will think I'm crazy.
I'm throwing in the towel on a personal life...at least a relationship...ever. It's not that I don't want that...because I do. I want to get married and have a family. I just don't think it's in the cards for me. So I'm giving up on the hope that it's ever going to happen.
Part of me wants to blame a mis-spent youth. Not that I was wild and crazy, because I wasn't. But I wasted a long time on people that didn't deserve me. I've been quite open with a lot of people about my past. I've run the gamut on eating disorders, and tried to kill myself with all of them. I've had the lowest self-esteem possible. And I've allowed myself to let other people make me feel worthless.
I was in a 4 year relationship with a bad guy. The worst type imaginable. He was the guy that everyone loved because he was such a nice guy in public. But behind closed doors, he was a much different person. Aside from just doing all of the normal "bad boyfriend" behavior like never sending me flowers, or sitting on his ass all day while I worked my ass off to pay the bills...it went much deeper and was much worse. He made me feel worthless, and guilty, and that everything was wrong because of me. When he would explode on me, and I do mean explode...it was always my fault...and I always had to seek him out to apologize. I would often find him sulking like a child sitting on the floor of the closet. And his reason for exploding was always that it was my fault. I had pushed him there.
I couldn't talk about it while I was with him. My friends all thought he was this great guy, and hoped that we would get back together. Until I finally was able to tell them what he was really like. I realized after I had broken up with him, and I had had time to heal, that I was like a battered woman. He had only hit me one time...and I told him that if he ever did it again...I would kill him. I think, I hope, that that is the reason why it never went further. But that didn't stop him from putting me down every chance he got.
Relationships since then have been a disaster. When, infrequently, they do happen, I have seen a similar trend. Not that any of them have lasted long enough for it to get that bad. The longest relationship since then has been 3 weeks long, and that only lasted that long because my friends urged me on.
I have notoriously fallen for the wrong guys. Not that I feel like I've really met any that wouldn't have turned into the right one. But it's scary.
My dating history, recently...not so recently...has been pathetic. I've been on one date this year...and it was excruciating. I got asked on another...but he canceled an hour before we were supposed to meet.
Don't get me wrong. I know what I have to offer. I'm smart, I'm funny, I have a job that I love most of the time...and I'm cute damn it. I'm driven. I can also be persistent, and if you don't really know me, my smart ass personality can sometimes come off as me just being a bitch. But that's me. And I'm not about to change who I am. I am a catch, damn it!
I am lonely. I ache to be held again. And I want a person.
I have great friends and family. And they've been there for me. They have. But most of them are married, or in a relationship. And they're really not just mine.
I want those things. I want them more than anything. But what I don't want is the pain from the hope that one day those things are going to happen...and the pain from them not happening yet. So I'm throwing in the towel. I'm going to cry about it. Mourn the hope that I might some day not be in this situation. And hopefully not worry about it. I'll still be lonely. I'll still lie in bed at night wishing that I had someone warm next to me. And I'll forget all of the comments about me still being young, and to not give up. Well...I turn 29 in a few weeks...and I'm quickly approaching the age where women start to have real problems having families. So I'm going to focus on everything else. Focus on work, and on training, and taking care of myself. Because I need to take care of myself...and no one else is going to do it for me.
I just give up...on that.
I'm throwing in the towel on a personal life...at least a relationship...ever. It's not that I don't want that...because I do. I want to get married and have a family. I just don't think it's in the cards for me. So I'm giving up on the hope that it's ever going to happen.
Part of me wants to blame a mis-spent youth. Not that I was wild and crazy, because I wasn't. But I wasted a long time on people that didn't deserve me. I've been quite open with a lot of people about my past. I've run the gamut on eating disorders, and tried to kill myself with all of them. I've had the lowest self-esteem possible. And I've allowed myself to let other people make me feel worthless.
I was in a 4 year relationship with a bad guy. The worst type imaginable. He was the guy that everyone loved because he was such a nice guy in public. But behind closed doors, he was a much different person. Aside from just doing all of the normal "bad boyfriend" behavior like never sending me flowers, or sitting on his ass all day while I worked my ass off to pay the bills...it went much deeper and was much worse. He made me feel worthless, and guilty, and that everything was wrong because of me. When he would explode on me, and I do mean explode...it was always my fault...and I always had to seek him out to apologize. I would often find him sulking like a child sitting on the floor of the closet. And his reason for exploding was always that it was my fault. I had pushed him there.
I couldn't talk about it while I was with him. My friends all thought he was this great guy, and hoped that we would get back together. Until I finally was able to tell them what he was really like. I realized after I had broken up with him, and I had had time to heal, that I was like a battered woman. He had only hit me one time...and I told him that if he ever did it again...I would kill him. I think, I hope, that that is the reason why it never went further. But that didn't stop him from putting me down every chance he got.
Relationships since then have been a disaster. When, infrequently, they do happen, I have seen a similar trend. Not that any of them have lasted long enough for it to get that bad. The longest relationship since then has been 3 weeks long, and that only lasted that long because my friends urged me on.
I have notoriously fallen for the wrong guys. Not that I feel like I've really met any that wouldn't have turned into the right one. But it's scary.
My dating history, recently...not so recently...has been pathetic. I've been on one date this year...and it was excruciating. I got asked on another...but he canceled an hour before we were supposed to meet.
Don't get me wrong. I know what I have to offer. I'm smart, I'm funny, I have a job that I love most of the time...and I'm cute damn it. I'm driven. I can also be persistent, and if you don't really know me, my smart ass personality can sometimes come off as me just being a bitch. But that's me. And I'm not about to change who I am. I am a catch, damn it!
I am lonely. I ache to be held again. And I want a person.
I have great friends and family. And they've been there for me. They have. But most of them are married, or in a relationship. And they're really not just mine.
I want those things. I want them more than anything. But what I don't want is the pain from the hope that one day those things are going to happen...and the pain from them not happening yet. So I'm throwing in the towel. I'm going to cry about it. Mourn the hope that I might some day not be in this situation. And hopefully not worry about it. I'll still be lonely. I'll still lie in bed at night wishing that I had someone warm next to me. And I'll forget all of the comments about me still being young, and to not give up. Well...I turn 29 in a few weeks...and I'm quickly approaching the age where women start to have real problems having families. So I'm going to focus on everything else. Focus on work, and on training, and taking care of myself. Because I need to take care of myself...and no one else is going to do it for me.
I just give up...on that.
The MOO
I'm not even really sure where to begin. It was quite a weekend, quite a day...and there's a lot that I came away with.
After a very long night in airport terminals, or on an airplane, I finally arrived in Madison...and finally checked into my hotel...and most importantly showered. I ended up meeting up with Erin, and worked on our strategic cheering plan for Sunday. Then Saturday evening, we had the team dinner...which completely shouldn't be called "dinner" because it happened at 4pm. But that's beside the point.
I figured I had come all this way to cheer for everyone, so I might as well do it right, so I woke up ridiculously early to meet the team to walk to the race start. At first, there weren't that many people around...but shortly, that definitely changed. Especially in the good spectator areas.
Once we saw the swim start, and also took the time to be amazed at the pro who was easily a quarter of a mile ahead of everyone else...Debbie and I decided more caffeine was needed...so we found a non-Starbucks coffee shop that was open and got some amazing coffee...then made our way back to the course. We ended up in a couple of places...but out of sheer chance (and necessity of finding a bathroom) we ended up being able to watch everyone come out of transition part 1.
After seeing most of the team coming out of transition, we made our way back to the hotel, and met up with Erin...and we headed out to the bike course. Again, by chance, we caught several people at mile 35. Again...quite awesome. We cheered. We made people laugh. It's even quite possible we made some people cry.
Did I mention the costumes? Yes...we were definitely the crazy ones dressed as devils.
We stayed at mile 35 for quite a while, but then decided it was time to move on. I'm not sure what mile we ended up at next...but we saw basically the same group of people...basically because we were looking for Erin's bf (now fiance) Tim.
By the third place we stopped, again, seeing some of the same people...they were starting to look for us...because, of course, we weren't just cheering for our friends...we were cheering for everyone. As a fellow spectator put it best: "If you can make someone smile at mile 70 of this thing, you're doing something good."
Then it was on to the team cheering section where we were more interested in food than anything else because we were hungry...and needed a bit of a rest.
After an almost nap...we moved back into town on the run course, and made it back just in time to see the same group on the run course.
I'm not going to lie...it was a long day. I woke up close to 3am, and didn't get back to bed until 2 the next morning. A large portion of that time was spent on my feet, screaming, clapping, and ringing a cowbell. I have shin splints, a sunburn, and I don't think my vocal chords have yet recovered.
But what really didn't hit until the next day was what I had really seen take place. I saw several of my friends finish one of the hardest things a human being can put their bodies through. It wasn't just Sunday...because for many of them, this process started a year ago. And to see them for a few seconds during that day will stay with me forever.
I was a little surprised that I didn't get more emotional on Sunday. I did good. I think I was so focused on cheering for everyone that it didn't really sink in what was happening around me. Then Monday morning, I watched a video of Mark crossing the finish line...and I was done. I cried then. I cried on the way to the hotel. I'm about to cry now just thinking about it.
From those of us that cheered that day, I have heard of 2 different reactions to the day. One being "I can't wait to do one myself!!" and the other being "This is all the proof I need to tell me that I never want to do this, ever."
Guess which category I fall into?
Yeah...the first.
But we probably already knew that. I've been thinking for a long time that next year would be the year for one. And I'd been thinking about doing Beach2Battleship...for no other reason that the timing would be about right, and I've always wanted to do that race. Plus, since it's not in Mexico, I could get my family to be there...most likely. Now, after experiencing the team effort at MOO...I'm thinking Arizona. Though not the official team race...there are a lot of other people doing the race...and I'm liking that idea.
It is going to be a really long year, and I've seen a lot of what I'm going to go through...though I have absolutely no idea how it's going to feel personally. I'm excited and terrified at the same time...which is probably a good thing. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I stay healthy throughout this process...or at least as healthy as I can.
To finish this whole thing off...I have to say I'm still incredibly happy with my decision to go. I've been thanked by many people that raced that day, and by Ed. And to me, it was the least I could do. I didn't do the hard part...but I hope that my small contribution to the cause helped my friends, and strangers alike, to achieve their goal.
After a very long night in airport terminals, or on an airplane, I finally arrived in Madison...and finally checked into my hotel...and most importantly showered. I ended up meeting up with Erin, and worked on our strategic cheering plan for Sunday. Then Saturday evening, we had the team dinner...which completely shouldn't be called "dinner" because it happened at 4pm. But that's beside the point.
I figured I had come all this way to cheer for everyone, so I might as well do it right, so I woke up ridiculously early to meet the team to walk to the race start. At first, there weren't that many people around...but shortly, that definitely changed. Especially in the good spectator areas.
Once we saw the swim start, and also took the time to be amazed at the pro who was easily a quarter of a mile ahead of everyone else...Debbie and I decided more caffeine was needed...so we found a non-Starbucks coffee shop that was open and got some amazing coffee...then made our way back to the course. We ended up in a couple of places...but out of sheer chance (and necessity of finding a bathroom) we ended up being able to watch everyone come out of transition part 1.
After seeing most of the team coming out of transition, we made our way back to the hotel, and met up with Erin...and we headed out to the bike course. Again, by chance, we caught several people at mile 35. Again...quite awesome. We cheered. We made people laugh. It's even quite possible we made some people cry.
Did I mention the costumes? Yes...we were definitely the crazy ones dressed as devils.
We stayed at mile 35 for quite a while, but then decided it was time to move on. I'm not sure what mile we ended up at next...but we saw basically the same group of people...basically because we were looking for Erin's bf (now fiance) Tim.
By the third place we stopped, again, seeing some of the same people...they were starting to look for us...because, of course, we weren't just cheering for our friends...we were cheering for everyone. As a fellow spectator put it best: "If you can make someone smile at mile 70 of this thing, you're doing something good."
Then it was on to the team cheering section where we were more interested in food than anything else because we were hungry...and needed a bit of a rest.
After an almost nap...we moved back into town on the run course, and made it back just in time to see the same group on the run course.
I'm not going to lie...it was a long day. I woke up close to 3am, and didn't get back to bed until 2 the next morning. A large portion of that time was spent on my feet, screaming, clapping, and ringing a cowbell. I have shin splints, a sunburn, and I don't think my vocal chords have yet recovered.
But what really didn't hit until the next day was what I had really seen take place. I saw several of my friends finish one of the hardest things a human being can put their bodies through. It wasn't just Sunday...because for many of them, this process started a year ago. And to see them for a few seconds during that day will stay with me forever.
I was a little surprised that I didn't get more emotional on Sunday. I did good. I think I was so focused on cheering for everyone that it didn't really sink in what was happening around me. Then Monday morning, I watched a video of Mark crossing the finish line...and I was done. I cried then. I cried on the way to the hotel. I'm about to cry now just thinking about it.
From those of us that cheered that day, I have heard of 2 different reactions to the day. One being "I can't wait to do one myself!!" and the other being "This is all the proof I need to tell me that I never want to do this, ever."
Guess which category I fall into?
Yeah...the first.
But we probably already knew that. I've been thinking for a long time that next year would be the year for one. And I'd been thinking about doing Beach2Battleship...for no other reason that the timing would be about right, and I've always wanted to do that race. Plus, since it's not in Mexico, I could get my family to be there...most likely. Now, after experiencing the team effort at MOO...I'm thinking Arizona. Though not the official team race...there are a lot of other people doing the race...and I'm liking that idea.
It is going to be a really long year, and I've seen a lot of what I'm going to go through...though I have absolutely no idea how it's going to feel personally. I'm excited and terrified at the same time...which is probably a good thing. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I stay healthy throughout this process...or at least as healthy as I can.
To finish this whole thing off...I have to say I'm still incredibly happy with my decision to go. I've been thanked by many people that raced that day, and by Ed. And to me, it was the least I could do. I didn't do the hard part...but I hope that my small contribution to the cause helped my friends, and strangers alike, to achieve their goal.
Friday, September 10, 2010
My BFF is a Genius.
Yes...we did already know this. But there are now even more reasons why.
Let me back up just a little bit. I had a weird ass dream last night. I was el preggo...gave birth quite quickly...and then had a couple of moments where I was taking care of the little one.
To a single girl with no foreseeable prospects for anything like that in the near future...to say the least...I was freaked out. Freaked out to the point where I had to look up what my dream meant. Not that I really think dream analysis is a bunch of hooey...I just don't really have much of an opinion on the matter. And as a result...don't know much about it. So once I did my brief research...I emailed my BFF...who actually does spend a bit of time on this subject.
We've come up with a solution...and honestly...the solution isn't as weird as I initially thought. In fact...it actually makes much sense.
Here's what we've got:
PREGNANCY: signifies an embryonic stage of a specific type of awareness or enlightenment. May point to the beginning formulation of a plan or idea.
PREGNANCY TEST: refers to a question as to whether or not this is a good time to start a new venture or beginning.
CHILDREN: connote a stage of acceptance and innocence; a belief in possibilities and one's dreams.
MOTHER: characterizes a nurturing aspect; may represent personal real time associations.
HARD LABOR (which I did not see but it's still significant): signifies great personal efforts applied to changing one's life.
Anyone that's somewhat familiar with the past few months of my life is also probably aware that I've been daydreaming about relaxation...and a less stressful life.
Well...I'm definitely not ready to completely uproot my life, quit my job (again) and move across the country (though I do love Seattle). I also know that right now is not the right time to be making decisions like this. But something is definitely needed.
For a very long time I've had a hard time relaxing. I have felt selfish whenever I do anything just for myself. And I've definitely been a little too type A for a little too long. I've used the time that I work out as my "me" time. And though that's really good for working off frustration...it's not exactly relaxing.
So where my BFF is really a genius is her idea. She's doing it for herself...and I'm going to start doing it myself. Once a month (I haven't picked what day of the month I want yet) schedule some time just for myself. Something for me. A pedicure, or massage...or whatever else I want to do. It seems so simple...but yet...so perfect.
I have other things that I want to do too. I have goals for this year...race goals especially. For the year I've had...they're lofty. But I *WILL* get 70.3 in this year. And I'm making a commitment to actually...you know...stick to a training schedule...and not come up with excuses to skip workouts. Unless I accidentally sleep in. I'm thinking if my body (that hasn't slept past 6am in over 2 years) needs to sleep until 8:30am...it probably has a good reason. And then I'll still get my work out in.
I'm also, now, at the end of the hellish 6 weeks. This weekend is mine. Well...mine and everyone doing IM MOO. But there will be no work. And for that, I am very excited. Oh...and it looks like I'm coming back to Seattle in a couple of weeks. But I'm ok with that...because I really do like it here.
Change is a hard thing. But sometimes, change is also a necessary thing.
Let me back up just a little bit. I had a weird ass dream last night. I was el preggo...gave birth quite quickly...and then had a couple of moments where I was taking care of the little one.
To a single girl with no foreseeable prospects for anything like that in the near future...to say the least...I was freaked out. Freaked out to the point where I had to look up what my dream meant. Not that I really think dream analysis is a bunch of hooey...I just don't really have much of an opinion on the matter. And as a result...don't know much about it. So once I did my brief research...I emailed my BFF...who actually does spend a bit of time on this subject.
We've come up with a solution...and honestly...the solution isn't as weird as I initially thought. In fact...it actually makes much sense.
Here's what we've got:
PREGNANCY: signifies an embryonic stage of a specific type of awareness or enlightenment. May point to the beginning formulation of a plan or idea.
PREGNANCY TEST: refers to a question as to whether or not this is a good time to start a new venture or beginning.
CHILDREN: connote a stage of acceptance and innocence; a belief in possibilities and one's dreams.
MOTHER: characterizes a nurturing aspect; may represent personal real time associations.
HARD LABOR (which I did not see but it's still significant): signifies great personal efforts applied to changing one's life.
Anyone that's somewhat familiar with the past few months of my life is also probably aware that I've been daydreaming about relaxation...and a less stressful life.
Well...I'm definitely not ready to completely uproot my life, quit my job (again) and move across the country (though I do love Seattle). I also know that right now is not the right time to be making decisions like this. But something is definitely needed.
For a very long time I've had a hard time relaxing. I have felt selfish whenever I do anything just for myself. And I've definitely been a little too type A for a little too long. I've used the time that I work out as my "me" time. And though that's really good for working off frustration...it's not exactly relaxing.
So where my BFF is really a genius is her idea. She's doing it for herself...and I'm going to start doing it myself. Once a month (I haven't picked what day of the month I want yet) schedule some time just for myself. Something for me. A pedicure, or massage...or whatever else I want to do. It seems so simple...but yet...so perfect.
I have other things that I want to do too. I have goals for this year...race goals especially. For the year I've had...they're lofty. But I *WILL* get 70.3 in this year. And I'm making a commitment to actually...you know...stick to a training schedule...and not come up with excuses to skip workouts. Unless I accidentally sleep in. I'm thinking if my body (that hasn't slept past 6am in over 2 years) needs to sleep until 8:30am...it probably has a good reason. And then I'll still get my work out in.
I'm also, now, at the end of the hellish 6 weeks. This weekend is mine. Well...mine and everyone doing IM MOO. But there will be no work. And for that, I am very excited. Oh...and it looks like I'm coming back to Seattle in a couple of weeks. But I'm ok with that...because I really do like it here.
Change is a hard thing. But sometimes, change is also a necessary thing.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I thought of something today
I've been living in DC now for almost 2 years exactly. The circumstances in which I moved to DC weren't the greatest. I was in a job that was going nowhere, and hanging out with people that created way too much drama, and way too much trouble.
When I moved to DC, life changed. I feel like I grew up, and really fit into living in the city. I abhorred driving, Country music, and bright colored clothing (anything lime green excluded, of course). I have fully been living the city life style, completely down to going to work far too early, working far too many hours, and fairly fast paced. Well...I have, for a long time, had a problem relaxing. I feel like if I'm not accomplishing something useful, I'm slacking, and therefore, a horrible person. It's a type A thing.
Not only have I been day-dreaming of opening up a B&B...baking and decorating...I've been visiting small towns. I grew up in a small town...and I think for the past couple of years, I've resisted anything and everything small town. Refusing to accept anything that wasn't from my city, and snubbing my nose at small town things...like everyone knowing everyone...and local grocery stores...and commutes that last less than an hour.
As I was driving to my session this morning, I realized that upon moving to DC, things changed for me. And that's probably what I needed at that point in time. But I think I need to get back to my roots just a little bit. It's time. Due to a couple of song suggestions that I desperately needed for my Road Trip play list, I was re-introduced to Country music. And though it's not something that I'll ever listen all the time (then again...there isn't one type of music I listen to ALL the time) I have definitely remembered that I actually do like it.
I'm not saying that I'm ready to leave DC and move back to my home town. Uh...no thank you. Been there, done that. I'm definitely not going to forget many of the things that I've grown to appreciate about living in the city. I really do like living there. I'm definitely not going to start drinking Bud Light. I do like really good beer. Mmm...beer.
But there must be a compromise somewhere. There has to be...right?
When I moved to DC, life changed. I feel like I grew up, and really fit into living in the city. I abhorred driving, Country music, and bright colored clothing (anything lime green excluded, of course). I have fully been living the city life style, completely down to going to work far too early, working far too many hours, and fairly fast paced. Well...I have, for a long time, had a problem relaxing. I feel like if I'm not accomplishing something useful, I'm slacking, and therefore, a horrible person. It's a type A thing.
Not only have I been day-dreaming of opening up a B&B...baking and decorating...I've been visiting small towns. I grew up in a small town...and I think for the past couple of years, I've resisted anything and everything small town. Refusing to accept anything that wasn't from my city, and snubbing my nose at small town things...like everyone knowing everyone...and local grocery stores...and commutes that last less than an hour.
As I was driving to my session this morning, I realized that upon moving to DC, things changed for me. And that's probably what I needed at that point in time. But I think I need to get back to my roots just a little bit. It's time. Due to a couple of song suggestions that I desperately needed for my Road Trip play list, I was re-introduced to Country music. And though it's not something that I'll ever listen all the time (then again...there isn't one type of music I listen to ALL the time) I have definitely remembered that I actually do like it.
I'm not saying that I'm ready to leave DC and move back to my home town. Uh...no thank you. Been there, done that. I'm definitely not going to forget many of the things that I've grown to appreciate about living in the city. I really do like living there. I'm definitely not going to start drinking Bud Light. I do like really good beer. Mmm...beer.
But there must be a compromise somewhere. There has to be...right?
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