Up in the Air: Changing Perspectives

I don’t want to end up like George.

I’ve been traveling a lot lately. Too much really. To the point where I’m not sure what my normal life is (was) like anymore. I watched the movie Up in the Air a few months ago…and even then, there was a sense of déjà vu. It was creepy. I didn’t like it. I like it even less now.

For the past few weeks, my life has been lived in airports and crappy hotels, and classrooms with large groups of strangers. I thought I liked my job…I at least thought I liked that part of it. And really…I do…just not this much of it.
I’m definitely a routines person. A planner…sort of. When I’m at home, I get up, I make coffee, and I read for a while. Then I get ready, and go to work. I take the same route to work. It’s comfortable. But now, I feel out of whack. When traveling, I try to keep the same routine, but it’s really hard. I do get up, and I make coffee. But when in a hotel room with cable, I’ve been watching TV in the morning. For some reason, reading just doesn’t have the same catch. Maybe my brain feels overly taxed right now.

When delivering a training session, it’s like I’m a performing monkey for 7 hours. I’m always “on.” Then I go back to my hotel room and “relax.” Which really means I sit on my arse and watch TV. This is another part of my daily routine I miss. When I’m at home, I go for runs, or a bike ride. Sometimes I swim…but it’s been a while for that. But hey…my Dr. told me not to yet. Though I’m pretty sure if I wanted to, I could by now. I feel out of sorts. Working out keeps me grounded…it feels good.

I also eat like crap when I travel. I don’t know how to change that. I should know. But it just seems like it’s really difficult for me. I think part of it is emotions. I eat because I think it’s going to make me happy…and justify it that way…but really…that’s crap. It doesn’t make me happy. If anything, it makes me feel worse about myself.

I know that this isn’t going to last forever. But the next 2 weeks feel like forever. It’s really hard to see the end of all of this. Maybe because I’m directly in the middle of it.

I know right now I’m not happy. But I’m not sure what will make me happy. Part of me thinks that if I had someone to come home to, that would make me happy. Or if I did this…or that. At this point, I’m not even sure getting back to DC and back to my normal life is going to make me happy.

Not that he knows it, but I’ve been hijacking one of my friend’s dreams of opening a B&B. Not so much the day to day running of the B&B…the part I focus on is sitting on the front porch in a pair of jeans reading a book. Now of course, never having stayed at a B&B before, my mind immediately goes to a B&B on the beach…because I’m thinking of Nicolas Sparks novels where all of the B&B’s are on the beach. Don’t get me wrong. I hate the beach. I hate sand. But sitting on the porch with the ocean right in front of me sounds pretty damn good right about now.

I don’t know if that’s really what I want for my life. I know before I was happy living in DC. I enjoyed living there, I enjoyed working there. I enjoyed the use of public transportation. I did like my job…a lot.

In my logical brain, I know that right now is not the time to be making any major life changing decisions. I do know that. But my brain has to think of something just for sanity’s sake. I imagine moving out of DC, and settling down. Buying a house with a front porch. Or a back porch. Somewhere where I could have a grill. Oh…did I mention the dog sitting at my feet? Yes…a dog. I want a dog. I travel too much to where I couldn’t have any kind of animal without spending half of my salary in dog sitting fees.

I’m not sure where this magical place is. I do know that I haven’t been there yet. I’ve been back in Middle America this week. It definitely reminds me of home. But I do know that I’m also not ready to move back to a place like that. But the slower life style seems to fit me. But then again, DC fits too.
I know I don’t want to end up like George in Up in the Air…but that’s definitely what I feel like right now. I’m the sad person that travels way too much, calls the airport home as much as any other place…and doesn’t have anything to come home too. George abandoned his family in the movie…and I could never see myself doing that…but at the same time…I have my parents…that I talk to but rarely see. Other than that…what do I have?

I have some friends…and I’m trying to make more of an effort to see them when I’m home. Why even last week…I leapt. I was tired…and felt like drinking…and instead of sitting at home on the couch…I accepted an offer to hang out with someone who I truly admire. We didn’t do much…we went to Jazz in the Garden…and drank Sangria. It’s not something I would normally have done…and I don’t know why. It was fun. I had a really good time. And instead of actually listening to the jazz…we drank and talked…which is basically what everyone else was doing too. Much more fun that sitting on the couch drinking wine by myself.

Tomorrow I’m going to the movies with my roommate…who even when we’re both in town, we rarely see one another. And I know she misses me. She even told me so. It’s nice knowing that she’s there…even if we don’t see each other that often. And we’re going to the baseball game next weekend. That will definitely be fun…and another friend is joining us. It should be interesting if nothing else.
But even with those things…it seems like something else is missing. I take a cab home from the airport. I don’t have anyone here that (even if it’s a surprise) picks me up from the airport. I want the missing piece. I want to settle down. No more spending 45 minutes on the phone trying to change airline tickets for the next week. No more dragging my suitcase through the airport, waiting in line to go through security. No more packing on autopilot. No more spending 24 hours at home, and having a list the length of my arm of things I need to complete.

I know that I’m sick (literally) and tired (exhausted) right now. And I know that it’s not going to last forever. I know that, because, if it did last forever, it would kill me. And maybe I’m just venting right now. But it seems like I’m looking at things a lot differently now. I don’t want to end up like George…sad and alone. But that’s what I feel like right now.