Hopes, Dreams, Desires

To say the least, I've had a bit of time on my hands lately. Unfortunately, much of this time has been spent laying on my couch, napping, watching movies, watching really bad TV shows because we only get 3 channels at home, and it's summer, and there really isn't anything good on TV. I've been forced into something that isn't my normal life. And I really don't like it. But it's given me the opportunity to think about some things that I do want for my life.

One of the strangest (and believe me, even at the time, this seemed strange) examples I can think of when it comes to wanting what you can't have right now is when I was in High School, and I would have the flu. Every single time I had the flu, all I could think about was going to Burger King, and eating a Whopper. Only Burger King. Only a Whopper. And of course, as soon as I would be able to eat again...that's exactly what I would do.

Now that I'm a bit older...and have eaten better food than a Whopper (not to mention the fact that food just doesn't seem that appealing right now) what I want isn't a Whopper. And not everything that I want is food related.

I want to live in a place that has an exposed brick wall.

I want to sit on the floor eating food with chopsticks (of course sitting on a pillow because my bony butt can't handle sitting on hard wood floors).

I want to start going to the gym to work on strength training to try to gain back more muscle than I've lost lately (which I can tell has been a lot).

I want someone in my life that will call me on my bullshit. Not someone that gets in my face about it...but when I try to shrug it off and say that I'm fine...they would say no you don't.

I want someone to wrap their arms around me when I'm cold.

I want to enjoy food again. I'm tired of going to the grocery store, and buying food because I know I should eat...but not finding anything appetizing. I have been living on turkey sandwiches and yogurt mixed with peanut butter for far too long. Ok...so the yogurt and PB was a staple in my life before...and I expect it will be long after this whole thing is over...but I want to enjoy something other than that. I can't remember the last time I even WANTED to eat Thai food. Or a real burger and fries.

I want to share some of my favorite meals that I make with other people.

I want to sit on my balcony drinking crisp, cold white wine on a warm summer evening.

I want to get up on weekend mornings and go for long runs...long runs before the heat becomes overwhelming, and tourists take over the city. Early mornings when DC is really for the people that live here.

I know that once life goes back to normal...life will get busy...and some of these things may go by the wayside. But I really hope they don't. And granted...I realize that some of these things aren't completely up to me. But I still hope they happen.

This has been a difficult thing for me to mentally accept that it's happening to me. But at the same time, I think that it might be a good thing that it has. Because if it hadn't...would I have had thought yesterday that the thing I want most in the world is to sit on my floor eating greasy Chinese food out of the box with chopsticks? I doubt it.

Either way...this is happening...and I can see the finish line. But unlike most races...I can't start sprinting to the finish. I have to pace myself. I have to wait...and be patient...and that's a really tough thing for me to do. But I will get there...and I think that I'll be a better person because of it.

This is what I know so far...

...I know that I never imagined I would be so excited to have surgery. Ok...I'm also absolutely petrified. But having this not be a factor in my life will be really fantastic and amazing.

I met with the surgeon this morning. Actually 2. The first one was clearly a resident...but he was nice...did the oh so wonderful exam...and then got the "real" Dr. They both came back...and said that yes...of course...we'll take out your gallbladder. Awesome news! Oh...but that might not completely take away all of your symptoms. Not so awesome news. But it should take away about 75-80%. Sweet...I'll take it!

The Dr. also went into the details about the risks of the surgery, all of that fun stuff. They looked to me if I had any questions. Of course. When can I start running again? Yes, the Drs. expression really read "is that REALLY the first question you're asking?" Yes...yes it was. The answer? Well...kind of ambiguous for right now. They won't give me a pass to start running (or anything else) until after my follow up appointment a week and a half after the surgery.

All in all, I think I'm getting a pretty good deal. They're going to try to do this with one incision...instead of 4...and the likelihood that I'd need to be completely ripped open is minimal.

So, of course, my parents are coming out to take care of me. Which...you know...is awesome. I'm excited about that. Wait...maybe excited is a little over-exaggerating just a smidge. I'm very grateful they're coming. But I'm also terrified of being cooped up in my apartment for over a week with them is going to drive me bonkers. I mean...I don't know what to do with myself if I have over 3 days off in a row. So the prospect of having 2 weeks off, recovering or not, I have no idea what I'm going to do. So yes...shameless plea for help on ideas, movies, soduko, ANYTHING to keep me entertained. Or if you're REALLY nice and awesome...you could always stop by for a visit. I promise I'll try not to look too pitiful. But seriously...that would be really awesome :)

So as I mentioned a little earlier...I'm a little nervous about this whole deal. But it's not really the surgery that I'm nervous about. I kind of figure that I'll be unconscious...so I really don't have too much to worry about there. Ok...so they're probably going to intubate me during the surgery. That kinda sucks. Big time. But...ok...deep breathe...the thing I'm most nervous about right now is having to spend the night in the hospital. I've never had to do that before. NEVER. And really...I don't want to. Ever. I'm not even sure I can put my finger on one thing that makes me so nervous about it. I just really don't want to.

Also, I think my veins (arteries?) are giving up. I've had more blood drawn in the past few weeks that they've just given up. I have NEVER bruised from needles sticks like I have recently. I'm not sure what's up with that...but that, too, can go away. Blerg.

So this is what I know so far. I'm sure over the next couple of days I'll find out more info...and of course...will keep everyone posted :)

Going stir crazy over here...

It's been a long year.

Ok, it actually feels like this year has flown by. But it's been a long year.

One week from today, I was supposed to be making a 6 hour drive with my parents to complete my first 70.3. Key phrase: "supposed to." The whole trip has transformed several times over the past month...transformed...in fact...into non-existence.

First...I was still going to participate in the 70.3, and complete as much of it as I could, knowing that I wouldn't be able to finish the entire thing.

A few weeks ago, I realized that I wasn't even sure I would be able to get past the swim of the half (even though I did in May at Kinetic). So I switched to the sprint. No big deal. I would be happy with the Sprint...and focus my energy on completing a half at the end of the season. I had a couple of decent long runs on the weekends, and I was feeling good.

Wait...I should take a step back. "Feeling good" is probably not the correct term here. I'm not actually sure the last time I really felt good. I can't remember the last time I wasn't so tired I wanted to lay down and sleep for a month and a half. I don't remember the last time I went an entire day without my stomach or side killing me for at least a portion of the day. So really...feeling good was finishing an 8 mile run and not hurting too badly. And actually feeling at that point like I could run further if I really wanted to. I felt that I'd actually accomplished something because that was the longest run I had completed since my marathon in January.

It's not that I'm just being lazy. I'm not. In the portion of my brain that is Type A, and must be going all the time...and thinks that it's horrendous if I lay on the couch...that side of my brain is thinking that it's laziness. But it's really not. Deep down...and sometimes not so deep down...I know that I need to take it easy right now, and wait until everything is fixed...then I can go back to being crazy in a good way...and not just stir crazy.

For a long time...I thought that the issues I was having might just be in my head. It didn't help that a "friend" told me he thought that's what the problem was. But it's not. I have proof that it isn't. I swear...reading through the report of the MRI I had done...and finding out that I had gallstones...I was elated! Really, comparatively, the diagnosis is much better than a lot of the things they were looking for. I'm glad that they found it when they did because 1) I really didn't want to go through anymore painful, invasive tests and 2) it's been getting worse in the past 2 weeks. A lot worse.

I've been told a few times over the past year or so that I have a ridiculously high tolerance for pain. Well...I'm paying for it now. It took a long time for me to say anything about not feeling well...and by the time I did...it was too late. My mom told me a long time ago that she could always tell when I was faking being sick growing up because she could see it in my eyes. A few days ago...after feeling horrible for a week and a half...3 people, in one day, told me that I looked like crap. At least they were honest...because I do. Worse than post-cavity, half numb face crap. That's bad. Plus...without even trying...I've lost 5 pounds...in the last week.

So where does that leave me? Well...Musselman will have to wait another 12 months. So the whole fun family trip that was supposed to happen now has been postponed, and instead of having the parents here for July 4...the parents will be here to take care of me pre and post surgery. I'm meeting with the surgeon on Monday. I'm scared...but at the same time...I just want this to be over with. I want my life back.

I know it's coming...but being patient is hard.

Complete Happiness

There are two differing theories about happiness...at least in my estimation. There is the ability to make oneself happy. And there is the the theory that you can't be happy without being complete without "the one".

I hate these battling theories. My personal feeling is that it's really neither, but more appropriately, a combination of both.

I have, for a very long time, thought that you have to know who you are, and feel confident with who you are, before you can ever be happy with someone else. Unfortunately, I feel like there are far too many people that really don't know who they are before coupling up, and making the leap of getting married. Within my set of friends, I have horrible examples of this. Fortunately...not all of them are examples.

Now moving on to whether or not you can truly make yourself happy. I know that there are people, women specifically, who think feel that they don't need anyone else to make them happy. For those people, that's great, and I applaud the fact that they know what they want.

Then on to the theory of not being truly happy without "the one". I grew up in a home with one of the happiest, most nauseating couples imaginable. I do realize I got a better example of a good marriage than a lot of people my age. But I don't think that it's unattainable.

I'll be the first to admit that I have very high standards when it comes to relationships. I've been in some very bad relationships, and I'm just unwilling to put up with unnecessary BS.

At the moment...I'm done. I have finally realized that I need to take care of myself. For as much as I know that at the end of the day, week, month, year...I do want to be married and have a family. For as much as my heart aches when I see mothers walking their children to school in the morning. I'm done. For now.

There is a theory that as soon as you give up worrying about being in a relationship, you'll find one. I don't even want that thought to cross my mind. I have so many other things that I need to focus on right now, I don't even want to have that thought cross my mind.

In the past, I thought that I had been done...but in the back of my mind, I still had that thought in the back of my mind where if I pretend to give up, I'll find that person. Well, clearly that hasn't worked.

I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow or next week. And maybe at the end of the day, I'll still hope that I'll find that person. But at the same time...I hope I don't. I hope my friends remind me that I need to take care of myself...and that right now, nothing else matters.

There are a couple of things that brought this up. One...I'm definitely not ready to talk about (let's just say boys suck, even if you're not dating them)...and I'm not sure how much I'm ready to talk about the second. Well...let's just say during my Dr. appointment today, my doctor recommended that I have a procedure...which in itself is terrifying enough. But what really did me in, is that it's one of those procedures where I have to take the day off work, and someone has to come with me, and take care of me, and take me home. I don't know that I've ever felt more alone in my life. I have no family that lives in this area, and I'm single. I have some very good friends...but this isn't something that I feel comfortable even thinking about asking one of my friends to do for me. Fortunately, my parents are wonderful, and without hesitation, offered to come half way across the country to be there for me...because that's what parents do. Before I even had my own appointment, I was waiting in the waiting room (like you do) and there was this guy waiting...and while we were waiting, he got a phone call...and he told the other person that his wife was having a procedure done. At the mere mention of the word wife, I teared up. Just because that's what partners do for each other. I have my parents...and I'm thankful for that...but partner is just different.

To say the least...I believe I've had better days.

140.6?

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now. So...it the typical Johanna fashion, I'm putting some of them down. It's kind of like the pensive in Harry Potter where you can take out your memory, and look at it later from a different perspective.

Triathlon season started last weekend. 2 things were realized. I've accepted them both, but at the same time feel completely stuck in the middle.

1) I have come a long way in the past year physically. My goal for the Sprint on Sunday was to be able to finish in 2 hours. I finished in 1:57:22. I made my goal, and really, fairly easily. Not to say that it wasn't challenging, because it was. There were moments during the swim that I thought I would drown, and just wanted to give up. And the way my swim was going, it might not have been a bad idea. But I never would have forgiven myself if I had. It was hard for me. Really hard. And yes, I freaked out in the water. Because of the way the start was, I never got a chance to relax while I was in the water. The start was at a place in the water where you couldn't touch the bottom, and my idea of taking a couple of breathes before being able to start swimming failed. I was treading water, and trying to stay calm, but I couldn't. Then I saw a girl ask to be taken out of the water well before the first buoy. And I wasn't the last one in my wave...although I ended up coming in last out of my wave because everyone behind me got picked up. I was ok until the next wave caught up to us. Then the wave after that did. And then I got punched in the nose. Needless to say, I have never in my life been so glad to see my bike. The bike is probably where I have come the furthest in the past year. Last August, it took me over an hour and a half to bike 16 miles. Last weekend, it took me 52 minutes to bike 12. That's a huge improvement for me. And the run...well...for being my favorite leg, and most comfortable leg, it wasn't bad. Last August I walked a lot more of the run that I really wanted to because my legs were just dead. That wasn't the case this time. I ended up running most of the run leg, and shaved a few minutes off my 5K time in triathlon. And that's WITH having to run through the woods, and navigate tree roots. Oh yeah...and I didn't fall down. Nope...not once.

OK...so the point is...last Sunday's race didn't suck nearly as bad as Luray did last year. And I came in under my goal time. One of the best moments of the weekend was when I saw Ed toward the end of the race, and told him that my smile was because I was finishing in under 2 hours. After the race, he gave me a hug and said "look at you getting all fast." So I realize that he was probably blowing a little smoke up my ass, but it was nice of him to do that. I'm not fast...but I'll keep going for forever.

OK, moving on.

2) I have a long way to go. I mean LOOOOOOOOOOONG. I am signed up for my first Half Iron race in July. And I realize that I have a lot of time before then, but I have a lot of work to do before then. Clearly my open water swimming needs a ton of work. And I am just not fast on the bike. And I need to get a lot more comfortable on my bike. My run...well...it's coming back. The distance, and being able to run longer has felt really good, and I have no doubt in my mind that I'll be running half marathons on the weekends with no problems. What can I say, running is my comfort zone.

Very briefly, I contemplated doing an Ironman race later this year. After last weekend, I decided it would be a much wiser idea to go back to my original plan of action, and do one in 2011.

I feel completely stuck in the middle of my abilities, and I'm warring with not having the confidence to do this, and not being patient enough to wait for my physical ability to get there. I was thinking this morning that I know where some of the lack of confidence is coming from. Until a little over a year ago, I was overweight, and inactive. To walk a couple of miles was a feat for me. And I think I still have that mentality stuck in my head a little bit. Not that I haven't proven my abilities, because I have, and I do every single time I work out. But there's some little voice in my head that is still the voice of that fat girl that tells me I'll never be able to really do this. Like all of the training and races that I've done are just a figment of my imagination. The other part is that I'm being impatient and I don't want to wait for my physical ability to catch up to where I want to be. Being part of Team Z is fantastic and amazing, and I absolutely love it...but I see so many people out there that this just comes naturally for...or if it doesn't, they sure make it seem that way.

I guess I just need to be patient, and allow myself the opportunity to work my way up. I know that I'll never be the fastest one out there...but at the same time...I want to get better...I want to get faster. Well...really...I want to look like I know what I'm doing. Ok...so the race pics kind of make me look like I know what I'm doing...but a large majority of the time...I just make it look good. Maybe that's the first step...fake it til you make it. Who knows...

I was fine until I started my packing list...

So...triathlon season is finally upon us. The first race of the season is tomorrow. Over the past day, week, month...I've been getting the typical race jitters. Wait, no...let me rephrase. I have been getting race jitters...but not the typical ones where they completely take over my life, and I'm incapable of doing anything. Nope...this time, I've been nervous, but still able to function.

That is, until I started making my packing list for this afternoon.

Now my hands are shaking, my heart is racing, and I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

I still swear by my statement that the nerves are actually a good thing...because any race that I haven't been nervous about I've crashed, bonked, or nearly ended up dead. Any race where I've been nervous before...I was fine. Well...for the most part. I at least finished with minimal amounts of pain or actual throwing up, and the tears were tears of joy.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Although I had initially wanted to do the entire Oly this weekend, I'm settling for the Sprint and relaying the bike of the Oly. I could have probably finished the Oly...but at what price...and at the beginning of the season, it just wasn't worth it.

So I'm really looking at this as a long training weekend. With the race goals this year, and they are lofty, I have no reason to be freaked about a short race.

But I'm still a littler nervous.

But hopefully I'll at least be able to pack tonight...and sleep.

Funky...

I'm in a funk. And I'm not sure why.

I'd like to think that it's a combination of the weather, and having been sick for longer than any one person should be...but I'm not sure that's it.

I do have a good life...a job that I love...and that I do very well at. And I have very good friends.

Maybe this isn't a bad thing...but I have absolutely no motivation to attempt to be in a relationship. It's been nearly a year since my last real date. But part of me just doesn't care. I have absolutely no stomach for going to bars to try to meet people...and online dating makes my stomach turn even more. Not that I haven't tried it. I have. It just doesn't interest me. And even the thought of explaining my life to someone new just doesn't even seem like it would be fun.

Maybe I'm just picky. Maybe I refuse to settle. Maybe I already feel like I'm one half of an old married couple...but am still single. Yeah...that's a confusing situation. One that I don't completely understand...so I won't even begin to attempt it. I don't have answers...and for now...I think I'm ok with that. I've always been impatient...and at times...it's very hard to deal with...I just want to be settled...but at the same time...I should be grateful that I know who I am...and what I want. And I refuse to settle. I've been in a bad relationship. A really bad relationship. And I will not go back. I refuse.

And part of it is so hard to describe. I've had such a hard time putting it into words. Maybe I need to figure it out. Maybe I should remind myself of what I do have in my life that is good. Sometimes I miss what it's like when you first meet...but at the same time...there is comfort in being able to go grocery shopping, or to Wal-Mart together, or to the laundromat. Isn't that better than someone you're so shy around you can barely talk?

I don't know. Maybe it's hormones...the snow...the plague...or just a combination of everything.

All I know is that I'm in a funk...and I don't like it.

Stupid snow...I'm ready for Spring!