140.6?

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now. So...it the typical Johanna fashion, I'm putting some of them down. It's kind of like the pensive in Harry Potter where you can take out your memory, and look at it later from a different perspective.

Triathlon season started last weekend. 2 things were realized. I've accepted them both, but at the same time feel completely stuck in the middle.

1) I have come a long way in the past year physically. My goal for the Sprint on Sunday was to be able to finish in 2 hours. I finished in 1:57:22. I made my goal, and really, fairly easily. Not to say that it wasn't challenging, because it was. There were moments during the swim that I thought I would drown, and just wanted to give up. And the way my swim was going, it might not have been a bad idea. But I never would have forgiven myself if I had. It was hard for me. Really hard. And yes, I freaked out in the water. Because of the way the start was, I never got a chance to relax while I was in the water. The start was at a place in the water where you couldn't touch the bottom, and my idea of taking a couple of breathes before being able to start swimming failed. I was treading water, and trying to stay calm, but I couldn't. Then I saw a girl ask to be taken out of the water well before the first buoy. And I wasn't the last one in my wave...although I ended up coming in last out of my wave because everyone behind me got picked up. I was ok until the next wave caught up to us. Then the wave after that did. And then I got punched in the nose. Needless to say, I have never in my life been so glad to see my bike. The bike is probably where I have come the furthest in the past year. Last August, it took me over an hour and a half to bike 16 miles. Last weekend, it took me 52 minutes to bike 12. That's a huge improvement for me. And the run...well...for being my favorite leg, and most comfortable leg, it wasn't bad. Last August I walked a lot more of the run that I really wanted to because my legs were just dead. That wasn't the case this time. I ended up running most of the run leg, and shaved a few minutes off my 5K time in triathlon. And that's WITH having to run through the woods, and navigate tree roots. Oh yeah...and I didn't fall down. Nope...not once.

OK...so the point is...last Sunday's race didn't suck nearly as bad as Luray did last year. And I came in under my goal time. One of the best moments of the weekend was when I saw Ed toward the end of the race, and told him that my smile was because I was finishing in under 2 hours. After the race, he gave me a hug and said "look at you getting all fast." So I realize that he was probably blowing a little smoke up my ass, but it was nice of him to do that. I'm not fast...but I'll keep going for forever.

OK, moving on.

2) I have a long way to go. I mean LOOOOOOOOOOONG. I am signed up for my first Half Iron race in July. And I realize that I have a lot of time before then, but I have a lot of work to do before then. Clearly my open water swimming needs a ton of work. And I am just not fast on the bike. And I need to get a lot more comfortable on my bike. My run...well...it's coming back. The distance, and being able to run longer has felt really good, and I have no doubt in my mind that I'll be running half marathons on the weekends with no problems. What can I say, running is my comfort zone.

Very briefly, I contemplated doing an Ironman race later this year. After last weekend, I decided it would be a much wiser idea to go back to my original plan of action, and do one in 2011.

I feel completely stuck in the middle of my abilities, and I'm warring with not having the confidence to do this, and not being patient enough to wait for my physical ability to get there. I was thinking this morning that I know where some of the lack of confidence is coming from. Until a little over a year ago, I was overweight, and inactive. To walk a couple of miles was a feat for me. And I think I still have that mentality stuck in my head a little bit. Not that I haven't proven my abilities, because I have, and I do every single time I work out. But there's some little voice in my head that is still the voice of that fat girl that tells me I'll never be able to really do this. Like all of the training and races that I've done are just a figment of my imagination. The other part is that I'm being impatient and I don't want to wait for my physical ability to catch up to where I want to be. Being part of Team Z is fantastic and amazing, and I absolutely love it...but I see so many people out there that this just comes naturally for...or if it doesn't, they sure make it seem that way.

I guess I just need to be patient, and allow myself the opportunity to work my way up. I know that I'll never be the fastest one out there...but at the same time...I want to get better...I want to get faster. Well...really...I want to look like I know what I'm doing. Ok...so the race pics kind of make me look like I know what I'm doing...but a large majority of the time...I just make it look good. Maybe that's the first step...fake it til you make it. Who knows...

I was fine until I started my packing list...

So...triathlon season is finally upon us. The first race of the season is tomorrow. Over the past day, week, month...I've been getting the typical race jitters. Wait, no...let me rephrase. I have been getting race jitters...but not the typical ones where they completely take over my life, and I'm incapable of doing anything. Nope...this time, I've been nervous, but still able to function.

That is, until I started making my packing list for this afternoon.

Now my hands are shaking, my heart is racing, and I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

I still swear by my statement that the nerves are actually a good thing...because any race that I haven't been nervous about I've crashed, bonked, or nearly ended up dead. Any race where I've been nervous before...I was fine. Well...for the most part. I at least finished with minimal amounts of pain or actual throwing up, and the tears were tears of joy.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Although I had initially wanted to do the entire Oly this weekend, I'm settling for the Sprint and relaying the bike of the Oly. I could have probably finished the Oly...but at what price...and at the beginning of the season, it just wasn't worth it.

So I'm really looking at this as a long training weekend. With the race goals this year, and they are lofty, I have no reason to be freaked about a short race.

But I'm still a littler nervous.

But hopefully I'll at least be able to pack tonight...and sleep.