Exhilarating title. I know. But that's pretty much what my mind feels like right now.
It is now Monday morning, after recovery weekend. And this is also the beginning of taper for Musselman. Historically, I don't like taper. I get cranky. I consistently feel like I'm going to throw up. And in short, I'm a joy to be around. It's not because the workouts are getting shorter, though after such a significant build cycle (which for me has lasted about a month) once could, potentially blame it on that. It's because taper means the race is getting closer. A lot closer.
Less than 3 weeks closer.
So the nervous energy that I normally carry around, where I can't sit still for more than 40 minutes at a time, gets a lot worse. A LOT worse. This is the time of year that you might find me baking up a storm. Or crocheting an afghan. Or something to use up this nervous energy. I can't, and don't want, to sit still. Good for training. Bad for down time.
Prime example: this past weekend. It's recovery weekend, which means I should be able to spend an ample amount of time sitting on my couch doing absolutely nothing. Which don't get me wrong, I did. But I also did a lot more than that. I ran (a mere 5 miles). I went to lunch with my college roommate who made her annual trek to visit her sister in VA. I went to a jazz concert. I read a book. Yes, an entire book. I went for a bike ride. I did laundry. Took a couple of naps. And all before 1pm on Sunday. So I then decided I should probably make some food for the week, and I think by the looks of my refrigerator I should be able to not cook until at least Tuesday. Oh...and I gave myself a manicure, which looks pretty good, if I do say so myself. And then started watching "It Happened One Night." But couldn't completely finish it because I nearly passed out. So we'll add that to the list of stuff I need to do today.
As mentioned in previous posts, I've had a lot of my mind lately. I promise though, this will be far less of a rant than before. And I'm going to really try to keep it positive this time.
1) I realized this morning that for the second year in a row, my dad will be driving to DC on his birthday. To, once again, take care of me. Last year it was surgery. This year, half-Ironman. Both painful to get through, but you rarely get the good drugs with a triathlon. I'll probably sleep about an equal amount of time after both. And, of course, my mother is going to be equally as nervous before and during both. (Something for those of your cheering at Musselman are going to have so much fun experiencing)
2) I can't decide between growing my hair out (long enough to pull up) or keep it uber short. Thoughts?
3) I am not one to really take the time to pamper myself. Though with the damage that I am currently doing to my body, I have been thinking lately that this might not be a bad idea. So I have figured out a way to do this, and not take any more time than I normally spend doing...stuff...to my body. I bought nice soap, shampoo, conditioner, shave cream and lotion. Just replacing the normal stuff that I use has made a huge difference. Seems weird, but it's true. I've noticed that long after I get out of the shower, I catch a hint of mint (mmm) and it makes me smile. Or how soft my legs feel against my cycling shorts. Amazing.
4) I read something earlier today that spoke of how in today's society we rarely take the time to do...well...anything. In our fast food, facebook, email communication, work-aholic lifestyle...we don't take time like they used to back in the day (and I'm talking about like when my grandparents were courting time). We rarely sit down to dinner. Myself, I don't even own a real table. Ok, so I technically have 2, but neither of them currently live in my apartment with me. We don't write letters. We email. Don't get me wrong, I love facebook, because without it I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with a lot of people, including half of my family. But this also means that much of our communication has been abbreviated to 1 or 2 sentences, (or 1 or 2 words) as opposed to taking the time to sit down and write a letter. Maybe it's just the stress of training and busy season at work, but I miss being able to take the time to do stuff like this. And this is not the first time I've had this thought, but every once in a while I like to think that one day I'll be able to relax a little and take more time to do some of this stuff.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A Lot on My Mind
I'm not quite sure how to start this. I have about a million thoughts roaming through my head right now, and I'm not sure I can even get them straight so it could make sense.
I guess to start with, the most oppressive thought right now is I'm alone. I have been for a long time, but the past couple of months I have had an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I know that moving to DC has been the right thing for me. And I have met some amazing people since I've been here. But I don't have anyone that's mine more than they are anyone else's. Since my old roommate moved back home, I have no one to go to dinner with, or go to the movies. My phone doesn't ring.
I understand that life is busy for everyone. It's definitely busy for me. I get that life is busy. But I don't want it to be so busy that we can't or won't make time for other people.
5 years ago, if you had asked me, I would have told you that I wanted to get married. And I always have wanted to. But I never wanted to have children when I was growing up. I was too afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent. As I got a little older, it was more that I didn't want to have children with my ex...and his family. And somewhere since then, it has changed into a husband a children are all I want. So many times I have thought that I would gladly give up everything in my life to have a husband and children. I don't want to have to give up my life. I want to continue to be able to do crazy endurance sports. I want to work. But I want that too. And if I had to choose just one...I'd go with the family.
I think it hit the hardest when my Grandma mentioned to my Aunt over Christmas that I would be a good mom one day. For most people, this might not be an unusual comment to hear from a Grandma, but it's definitely a rare comment coming from my Grandma. It isn't that she doesn't love us. She just tends to be very reserved with her affection. And a comment like that means a lot.
Writing something like this is not an easy thing for me to do. Talking about my feelings, asking for help, etc...not something I do easily, or without feeling guilty. And I have contemplated for a long time writing about how I have been feeling. You could say I'm more the "suffer in silence" type. In this particular case, one of the things that I absolutely don't want, and a major factor in my hesitation, is the relatively phony sounding "Oh that's not true, we love you, you're wonderful" type comments. Ok, so whoever reads that might not be thinking that exact same thing. But I guarantee someone would come up with something like that. And to be honest, I don't want to hear it. That's not my purpose in writing this. Consider this one, big vent.
I have a type...of guy...that I like. And sadly, I've never dated someone that was "my type." There is a list of stuff that I really want. The list has a name. But I would probably get made fun of. And besides, it's a personal thing. 6'4". Brown hair. Brown eyes. Killer smile. Good with a first aid kit. Strong enough to pick me up off the ground when (not if) I need it. And there are moments I want to bury my face in the crook of his (whoever he might be) shoulder and get a hug. Sometimes, it's hard for me to breathe I want that so much.
I have, however, dated a few guys that are really not my type, and frankly, probably shouldn't be anyone's type. Not so nice guys. But I didn't think I could do any better...so I went with it. But now, most of the time, I do know better, and I refuse to settle. Not anymore. I know it's better to be single than to be in a relationship that isn't good. But it's so much better to be in a relationship that's good. I can make the bed by myself. But it's so much easier when there's someone else to help.
I sometimes think that maybe I'm so wrapped up in my own (the right word is failing me...misery, loneliness, pity) that I don't see what I could be doing for someone else. How I can be a good friend to someone else? And I think a lot of times that problem isn't just mine. I think sometimes I don't want to bug people, so I just don't say anything. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll annoy the other person. Or sometimes I just get tired of making the effort all the time. My mom always tells me that I need to make an effort to keep that connection with people. But when it seems like you're pulling teeth just to get there, and you're not getting anything in return, it's not much fun sometimes. But you have to do it, because the other person just isn't going to. And unfortunately, most of the people I can't exactly get rid of.
Some days, it seems like I check my email a thousand times, begging to get an email from someone. And it seems pathetic. And 99.9% of the time, I'm completely disappointed. I just keep hoping, someday, out of the blue, something is going to click.
You know, for as much as I am hopeful, I've just about given up on ever finding "the one." I try to keep faith, but at the same time, I am scared to get my hopes up, because it really might not ever happen. I know, I know, I still have time. But at the ripe age of 29.75, it feels like I've waiting long enough. And I don't really want to be 40 chasing a toddler around.
Turning things around a little. I don't want it to seem like I never get anything from my friends. I do, occasionally, and when I do, it probably means more to me than people realize. Just the offer of a ride, or someone telling me they look forward to seeing me means a lot. Definitely something I could probably use more of.
Turning back now (please forgive me, but this is a vent after all). I'm invisible sometimes. Sometimes it's an "out of sight, out of mind" type of invisible. I'm not in the room, so people forget, or just don't care, how awesome I normally am. Sometimes, I'm in the room, and people just don't see me. And I know that it isn't just me. But a good example. I was waiting to get on a plane this morning, and I was patiently waiting to walk up to the counter to have my boarding pass scanned. They were holding off a bit because the jet bridge was getting backed up, so I hung back a bit, but I thought it was still rather obvious I was waiting to get on the plane. And a group of about 10 people walked up and walked right past me, and cut in line. I had a bright orange dress on, and they were so wrapped up in their own world that they couldn't see me standing there waiting to get on the plane. And the guy that sat in front of me kept fidgeting in his seat, completely oblivious to the fact that the girl sitting behind him has ridiculously long legs and is going to end up with bruised knees because he kept pushing his seat back, and kept hitting me. Again, I get that this doesn't just happen to me.
So anyway, I still have a lot going through my mind. But I'm not sure if I can continue to write right now. So if you've made it through this far, thanks for letting me vent. :)
I guess to start with, the most oppressive thought right now is I'm alone. I have been for a long time, but the past couple of months I have had an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I know that moving to DC has been the right thing for me. And I have met some amazing people since I've been here. But I don't have anyone that's mine more than they are anyone else's. Since my old roommate moved back home, I have no one to go to dinner with, or go to the movies. My phone doesn't ring.
I understand that life is busy for everyone. It's definitely busy for me. I get that life is busy. But I don't want it to be so busy that we can't or won't make time for other people.
5 years ago, if you had asked me, I would have told you that I wanted to get married. And I always have wanted to. But I never wanted to have children when I was growing up. I was too afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent. As I got a little older, it was more that I didn't want to have children with my ex...and his family. And somewhere since then, it has changed into a husband a children are all I want. So many times I have thought that I would gladly give up everything in my life to have a husband and children. I don't want to have to give up my life. I want to continue to be able to do crazy endurance sports. I want to work. But I want that too. And if I had to choose just one...I'd go with the family.
I think it hit the hardest when my Grandma mentioned to my Aunt over Christmas that I would be a good mom one day. For most people, this might not be an unusual comment to hear from a Grandma, but it's definitely a rare comment coming from my Grandma. It isn't that she doesn't love us. She just tends to be very reserved with her affection. And a comment like that means a lot.
Writing something like this is not an easy thing for me to do. Talking about my feelings, asking for help, etc...not something I do easily, or without feeling guilty. And I have contemplated for a long time writing about how I have been feeling. You could say I'm more the "suffer in silence" type. In this particular case, one of the things that I absolutely don't want, and a major factor in my hesitation, is the relatively phony sounding "Oh that's not true, we love you, you're wonderful" type comments. Ok, so whoever reads that might not be thinking that exact same thing. But I guarantee someone would come up with something like that. And to be honest, I don't want to hear it. That's not my purpose in writing this. Consider this one, big vent.
I have a type...of guy...that I like. And sadly, I've never dated someone that was "my type." There is a list of stuff that I really want. The list has a name. But I would probably get made fun of. And besides, it's a personal thing. 6'4". Brown hair. Brown eyes. Killer smile. Good with a first aid kit. Strong enough to pick me up off the ground when (not if) I need it. And there are moments I want to bury my face in the crook of his (whoever he might be) shoulder and get a hug. Sometimes, it's hard for me to breathe I want that so much.
I have, however, dated a few guys that are really not my type, and frankly, probably shouldn't be anyone's type. Not so nice guys. But I didn't think I could do any better...so I went with it. But now, most of the time, I do know better, and I refuse to settle. Not anymore. I know it's better to be single than to be in a relationship that isn't good. But it's so much better to be in a relationship that's good. I can make the bed by myself. But it's so much easier when there's someone else to help.
I sometimes think that maybe I'm so wrapped up in my own (the right word is failing me...misery, loneliness, pity) that I don't see what I could be doing for someone else. How I can be a good friend to someone else? And I think a lot of times that problem isn't just mine. I think sometimes I don't want to bug people, so I just don't say anything. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll annoy the other person. Or sometimes I just get tired of making the effort all the time. My mom always tells me that I need to make an effort to keep that connection with people. But when it seems like you're pulling teeth just to get there, and you're not getting anything in return, it's not much fun sometimes. But you have to do it, because the other person just isn't going to. And unfortunately, most of the people I can't exactly get rid of.
Some days, it seems like I check my email a thousand times, begging to get an email from someone. And it seems pathetic. And 99.9% of the time, I'm completely disappointed. I just keep hoping, someday, out of the blue, something is going to click.
You know, for as much as I am hopeful, I've just about given up on ever finding "the one." I try to keep faith, but at the same time, I am scared to get my hopes up, because it really might not ever happen. I know, I know, I still have time. But at the ripe age of 29.75, it feels like I've waiting long enough. And I don't really want to be 40 chasing a toddler around.
Turning things around a little. I don't want it to seem like I never get anything from my friends. I do, occasionally, and when I do, it probably means more to me than people realize. Just the offer of a ride, or someone telling me they look forward to seeing me means a lot. Definitely something I could probably use more of.
Turning back now (please forgive me, but this is a vent after all). I'm invisible sometimes. Sometimes it's an "out of sight, out of mind" type of invisible. I'm not in the room, so people forget, or just don't care, how awesome I normally am. Sometimes, I'm in the room, and people just don't see me. And I know that it isn't just me. But a good example. I was waiting to get on a plane this morning, and I was patiently waiting to walk up to the counter to have my boarding pass scanned. They were holding off a bit because the jet bridge was getting backed up, so I hung back a bit, but I thought it was still rather obvious I was waiting to get on the plane. And a group of about 10 people walked up and walked right past me, and cut in line. I had a bright orange dress on, and they were so wrapped up in their own world that they couldn't see me standing there waiting to get on the plane. And the guy that sat in front of me kept fidgeting in his seat, completely oblivious to the fact that the girl sitting behind him has ridiculously long legs and is going to end up with bruised knees because he kept pushing his seat back, and kept hitting me. Again, I get that this doesn't just happen to me.
So anyway, I still have a lot going through my mind. But I'm not sure if I can continue to write right now. So if you've made it through this far, thanks for letting me vent. :)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Oops.
It's a very good thing that my dad is so good at organizing and scheduling. A couple of weeks ago, I requested vacation time for Musselman. For the weekend after the Fourth of July.
Anyone else see a problem with this? Because my dad definitely did.
See...last year when I was supposed to do Musselman, it was the weekend after the Fourth. And so this year, now that I'm actually going to compete...I was still thinking that it was the weekend after the Fourth.
So Dad corrected me. And I corrected the vacation time. AND...best of all...I have an extra week to train than I thought I did before :)
And now that we're gearing up for peak training weekend, I'm collecting ice, buying Gatorade in mass quantities...and hoping that the weather is decent.
EEK!!
Anyone else see a problem with this? Because my dad definitely did.
See...last year when I was supposed to do Musselman, it was the weekend after the Fourth. And so this year, now that I'm actually going to compete...I was still thinking that it was the weekend after the Fourth.
So Dad corrected me. And I corrected the vacation time. AND...best of all...I have an extra week to train than I thought I did before :)
And now that we're gearing up for peak training weekend, I'm collecting ice, buying Gatorade in mass quantities...and hoping that the weather is decent.
EEK!!
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