Well, it's almost my birthday. Birthday's were always a big deal for our family growing up. We always had a big family dinner with lots of presents. And this wasn't just for the kids...it was for everyone. Birthday's had always been a big deal for my mom's family growing up, and she made a big deal for the kids too.
9 years ago, on my birthday, something happened that changed that day for...well...forever. It's something that I have grown to not want to talk about. Maybe it's less that I don't want to talk about it...it's more that I don't want the look of pity that always follows when I tell someone about it.
My grandparents had been sick for a long time...years. And on my 20th birthday my Grandma died. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when she walked in the door of my college apartment to tell me.
The following year, we had a celebration...a huge family party. We tried to make it a good day. But since then, it's been really hard. It's especially been hard on my mom. It was her mom that died...and I know she misses her. I miss her too.
Part of me feels selfish and guilty for saying this...but...I want my day back. I don't ever want to forget my Grandma. I just don't want her death forever associated with my birthday.
I am not normally a person who makes a huge deal out of holidays...except Christmas and my birthday. Christmas is obvious...and my birthday started when I was young. That was always the one day that was mine. We all had to eat what I wanted. I got the type of cake I wanted. People gave me presents. It was a good day for me. And maybe as an adult...less focus should be put on things like that. But I'm tired of the two things now being intertwined.
My friends have been great about celebrating my birthday. But the one phone call that day that should be so wonderful...the call from my mom...the woman who gave birth to me has forever been changed. She hasn't been able to get through a birthday phone call with me without crying...and more often then not, that conversation has turned into an argument.
So...I want my day back. I want that to be a good day. I can't change what happened. But I want my day back.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Wish List
Well, it's now less than 2 weeks away from my birthday, and always, around this time of year, I like to reflect back on the past year, and see how the year has been. An accounting of sorts.
So...let's take a look at the last year...so far:
*Finished the 2009 race season with the Army Ten Miler, meeting my time goal. +
*Spent Thanksgiving by myself -
*Realized that spending a holiday by yourself isn't really a bad thing +
*Spent Christmas at home with ridiculously cold weather +
*Ran my first ever marathon +
*Directly after marathon, I got the plague, and it took months to recover ---
*Finished my second full tri +
*Swam a relay for a half iron +
*Got sick, which was kind of a little painful -
*Went through a procedure that ended up being unnecessary -
*Was still sick, and went through more tests, still unable to figure out what was wrong -
*Finally figured out what was wrong...but needed surgery to fix the problem -
*Had to spend my first night in the hospital since birth -
*Recovered from surgery well, and was able to start working out again +
*Arrrgust arrived at work, and I spent 6 straight weeks traveling and training ---
+7
-12
Well...the minuses have won it this year...but not by a ton. And I always look for the positives that can come out of a situation. Some good things have happened this year...but it definitely feels like the negatives have won this year...by a landslide. It just feels like a rough year.
Yet, at the same time...I'm not looking forward to turning 29. I'm excited about the start of a new year...and what that new year might bring. But there's something about turning 29 that I just don't want to do. Maybe it's just getting another year older. Maybe it's the fact that this will be my last year in the 20's.
I should be excited...I'm just finding it very hard to do so.
I was thinking this afternoon on my walk home what I could possibly tell anyone that asked what I wanted for my birthday. I couldn't think of one thing that anyone could give me. I don't need material possessions. I can buy myself new running shoes, or anything else I might need. I'd like a new bike...but that's a bit more than I can ask for for my birthday.
There are things that I want. But it's not material possessions.
I think at the end of the day...I'd just like a better year next year. And if anyone can promise me that, I'll love you forever. But realistically...it's just not something anyone can promise.
But oh, how I wish it were.
So...let's take a look at the last year...so far:
*Finished the 2009 race season with the Army Ten Miler, meeting my time goal. +
*Spent Thanksgiving by myself -
*Realized that spending a holiday by yourself isn't really a bad thing +
*Spent Christmas at home with ridiculously cold weather +
*Ran my first ever marathon +
*Directly after marathon, I got the plague, and it took months to recover ---
*Finished my second full tri +
*Swam a relay for a half iron +
*Got sick, which was kind of a little painful -
*Went through a procedure that ended up being unnecessary -
*Was still sick, and went through more tests, still unable to figure out what was wrong -
*Finally figured out what was wrong...but needed surgery to fix the problem -
*Had to spend my first night in the hospital since birth -
*Recovered from surgery well, and was able to start working out again +
*Arrrgust arrived at work, and I spent 6 straight weeks traveling and training ---
+7
-12
Well...the minuses have won it this year...but not by a ton. And I always look for the positives that can come out of a situation. Some good things have happened this year...but it definitely feels like the negatives have won this year...by a landslide. It just feels like a rough year.
Yet, at the same time...I'm not looking forward to turning 29. I'm excited about the start of a new year...and what that new year might bring. But there's something about turning 29 that I just don't want to do. Maybe it's just getting another year older. Maybe it's the fact that this will be my last year in the 20's.
I should be excited...I'm just finding it very hard to do so.
I was thinking this afternoon on my walk home what I could possibly tell anyone that asked what I wanted for my birthday. I couldn't think of one thing that anyone could give me. I don't need material possessions. I can buy myself new running shoes, or anything else I might need. I'd like a new bike...but that's a bit more than I can ask for for my birthday.
There are things that I want. But it's not material possessions.
I think at the end of the day...I'd just like a better year next year. And if anyone can promise me that, I'll love you forever. But realistically...it's just not something anyone can promise.
But oh, how I wish it were.
Savageman: TakeTwo
Well, I'll keep this brief. I decided to relay Savageman for the second year in a row. The run, of course. Last year, I crossed the finish line in tears and came away from the weekend thinking that that course and I had unfinished business.
I knew that it was an ambitious goal. But I thought that I would be able to do it. Never mind the fact that I just had surgery 2 months before. Never mind the fact that I've been traveling for 6 weeks. Never mind the fact that I've had to walk up every hill I've ran lately because if I don't I was pushed into an asthma attack.
I ran the 10K on Saturday...and knew what the run course would be like. I ran it twice the year before. It was challenging. I didn't feel like I was really warmed up until I was almost 5 miles in...which makes sense because I don't get warmed up until I've ran 5 miles. So after the feeling that I was going to die...and trudging up the Fire Tower climb...I thought that the only appropriate way to celebrate surviving the 10K on that course was to run a half mary.
That makes sense...right?
It's only one of the hardest race courses in the world.
There's NOTHING that could go wrong here.
HA!
After finishing the 10K...I was in pain. My shin splints were better than I imagined...but I also had calf cramps like I've never had before.
Saturday morning, I felt ok. Better than I thought I would. But just ok. The shins were sore. The legs were sore in general. And I generally didn't want to run that course again. But I was there. And I had a team. So of course I was going to do it.
Starting the run felt better than the day before. I actually kind of already felt warmed up. That's about the only good thing I had going for me. My stomach was upset...but I think it was more nerves than anything. Coke while running was a very good thing. Close to the end of the first lap, my left hip flexor started hurting. And I really began thinking "this is a really stupid idea."
I survived the second lap. I walked a lot. But I survived. I also realized that I need to change a few things about my training. I wasn't trained enough...and I'm tired of dieing during races. I'm not exactly sure what the answer is...but I have a few ideas. But I did decide during the race that I'm done with that course. No more unfinished business. I tried 3 races there...and got my ass handed to me all 3 times. I'm done.
At least I didn't cry going over the finish line this time...
I knew that it was an ambitious goal. But I thought that I would be able to do it. Never mind the fact that I just had surgery 2 months before. Never mind the fact that I've been traveling for 6 weeks. Never mind the fact that I've had to walk up every hill I've ran lately because if I don't I was pushed into an asthma attack.
I ran the 10K on Saturday...and knew what the run course would be like. I ran it twice the year before. It was challenging. I didn't feel like I was really warmed up until I was almost 5 miles in...which makes sense because I don't get warmed up until I've ran 5 miles. So after the feeling that I was going to die...and trudging up the Fire Tower climb...I thought that the only appropriate way to celebrate surviving the 10K on that course was to run a half mary.
That makes sense...right?
It's only one of the hardest race courses in the world.
There's NOTHING that could go wrong here.
HA!
After finishing the 10K...I was in pain. My shin splints were better than I imagined...but I also had calf cramps like I've never had before.
Saturday morning, I felt ok. Better than I thought I would. But just ok. The shins were sore. The legs were sore in general. And I generally didn't want to run that course again. But I was there. And I had a team. So of course I was going to do it.
Starting the run felt better than the day before. I actually kind of already felt warmed up. That's about the only good thing I had going for me. My stomach was upset...but I think it was more nerves than anything. Coke while running was a very good thing. Close to the end of the first lap, my left hip flexor started hurting. And I really began thinking "this is a really stupid idea."
I survived the second lap. I walked a lot. But I survived. I also realized that I need to change a few things about my training. I wasn't trained enough...and I'm tired of dieing during races. I'm not exactly sure what the answer is...but I have a few ideas. But I did decide during the race that I'm done with that course. No more unfinished business. I tried 3 races there...and got my ass handed to me all 3 times. I'm done.
At least I didn't cry going over the finish line this time...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Throwing in the Towel
Instead of turning to one of my friends to talk to, because I am too scared to open up about this, I am doing what I do...which is write. Even my bff, whom I love and adore, I don't feel strong enough to say this to...even though I know she loves me...and knows how crazy I am, or am not. I guess I've just had a hard time opening up about some things. And it feels weird. I guess because I feel like other people will think I'm crazy.
I'm throwing in the towel on a personal life...at least a relationship...ever. It's not that I don't want that...because I do. I want to get married and have a family. I just don't think it's in the cards for me. So I'm giving up on the hope that it's ever going to happen.
Part of me wants to blame a mis-spent youth. Not that I was wild and crazy, because I wasn't. But I wasted a long time on people that didn't deserve me. I've been quite open with a lot of people about my past. I've run the gamut on eating disorders, and tried to kill myself with all of them. I've had the lowest self-esteem possible. And I've allowed myself to let other people make me feel worthless.
I was in a 4 year relationship with a bad guy. The worst type imaginable. He was the guy that everyone loved because he was such a nice guy in public. But behind closed doors, he was a much different person. Aside from just doing all of the normal "bad boyfriend" behavior like never sending me flowers, or sitting on his ass all day while I worked my ass off to pay the bills...it went much deeper and was much worse. He made me feel worthless, and guilty, and that everything was wrong because of me. When he would explode on me, and I do mean explode...it was always my fault...and I always had to seek him out to apologize. I would often find him sulking like a child sitting on the floor of the closet. And his reason for exploding was always that it was my fault. I had pushed him there.
I couldn't talk about it while I was with him. My friends all thought he was this great guy, and hoped that we would get back together. Until I finally was able to tell them what he was really like. I realized after I had broken up with him, and I had had time to heal, that I was like a battered woman. He had only hit me one time...and I told him that if he ever did it again...I would kill him. I think, I hope, that that is the reason why it never went further. But that didn't stop him from putting me down every chance he got.
Relationships since then have been a disaster. When, infrequently, they do happen, I have seen a similar trend. Not that any of them have lasted long enough for it to get that bad. The longest relationship since then has been 3 weeks long, and that only lasted that long because my friends urged me on.
I have notoriously fallen for the wrong guys. Not that I feel like I've really met any that wouldn't have turned into the right one. But it's scary.
My dating history, recently...not so recently...has been pathetic. I've been on one date this year...and it was excruciating. I got asked on another...but he canceled an hour before we were supposed to meet.
Don't get me wrong. I know what I have to offer. I'm smart, I'm funny, I have a job that I love most of the time...and I'm cute damn it. I'm driven. I can also be persistent, and if you don't really know me, my smart ass personality can sometimes come off as me just being a bitch. But that's me. And I'm not about to change who I am. I am a catch, damn it!
I am lonely. I ache to be held again. And I want a person.
I have great friends and family. And they've been there for me. They have. But most of them are married, or in a relationship. And they're really not just mine.
I want those things. I want them more than anything. But what I don't want is the pain from the hope that one day those things are going to happen...and the pain from them not happening yet. So I'm throwing in the towel. I'm going to cry about it. Mourn the hope that I might some day not be in this situation. And hopefully not worry about it. I'll still be lonely. I'll still lie in bed at night wishing that I had someone warm next to me. And I'll forget all of the comments about me still being young, and to not give up. Well...I turn 29 in a few weeks...and I'm quickly approaching the age where women start to have real problems having families. So I'm going to focus on everything else. Focus on work, and on training, and taking care of myself. Because I need to take care of myself...and no one else is going to do it for me.
I just give up...on that.
I'm throwing in the towel on a personal life...at least a relationship...ever. It's not that I don't want that...because I do. I want to get married and have a family. I just don't think it's in the cards for me. So I'm giving up on the hope that it's ever going to happen.
Part of me wants to blame a mis-spent youth. Not that I was wild and crazy, because I wasn't. But I wasted a long time on people that didn't deserve me. I've been quite open with a lot of people about my past. I've run the gamut on eating disorders, and tried to kill myself with all of them. I've had the lowest self-esteem possible. And I've allowed myself to let other people make me feel worthless.
I was in a 4 year relationship with a bad guy. The worst type imaginable. He was the guy that everyone loved because he was such a nice guy in public. But behind closed doors, he was a much different person. Aside from just doing all of the normal "bad boyfriend" behavior like never sending me flowers, or sitting on his ass all day while I worked my ass off to pay the bills...it went much deeper and was much worse. He made me feel worthless, and guilty, and that everything was wrong because of me. When he would explode on me, and I do mean explode...it was always my fault...and I always had to seek him out to apologize. I would often find him sulking like a child sitting on the floor of the closet. And his reason for exploding was always that it was my fault. I had pushed him there.
I couldn't talk about it while I was with him. My friends all thought he was this great guy, and hoped that we would get back together. Until I finally was able to tell them what he was really like. I realized after I had broken up with him, and I had had time to heal, that I was like a battered woman. He had only hit me one time...and I told him that if he ever did it again...I would kill him. I think, I hope, that that is the reason why it never went further. But that didn't stop him from putting me down every chance he got.
Relationships since then have been a disaster. When, infrequently, they do happen, I have seen a similar trend. Not that any of them have lasted long enough for it to get that bad. The longest relationship since then has been 3 weeks long, and that only lasted that long because my friends urged me on.
I have notoriously fallen for the wrong guys. Not that I feel like I've really met any that wouldn't have turned into the right one. But it's scary.
My dating history, recently...not so recently...has been pathetic. I've been on one date this year...and it was excruciating. I got asked on another...but he canceled an hour before we were supposed to meet.
Don't get me wrong. I know what I have to offer. I'm smart, I'm funny, I have a job that I love most of the time...and I'm cute damn it. I'm driven. I can also be persistent, and if you don't really know me, my smart ass personality can sometimes come off as me just being a bitch. But that's me. And I'm not about to change who I am. I am a catch, damn it!
I am lonely. I ache to be held again. And I want a person.
I have great friends and family. And they've been there for me. They have. But most of them are married, or in a relationship. And they're really not just mine.
I want those things. I want them more than anything. But what I don't want is the pain from the hope that one day those things are going to happen...and the pain from them not happening yet. So I'm throwing in the towel. I'm going to cry about it. Mourn the hope that I might some day not be in this situation. And hopefully not worry about it. I'll still be lonely. I'll still lie in bed at night wishing that I had someone warm next to me. And I'll forget all of the comments about me still being young, and to not give up. Well...I turn 29 in a few weeks...and I'm quickly approaching the age where women start to have real problems having families. So I'm going to focus on everything else. Focus on work, and on training, and taking care of myself. Because I need to take care of myself...and no one else is going to do it for me.
I just give up...on that.
The MOO
I'm not even really sure where to begin. It was quite a weekend, quite a day...and there's a lot that I came away with.
After a very long night in airport terminals, or on an airplane, I finally arrived in Madison...and finally checked into my hotel...and most importantly showered. I ended up meeting up with Erin, and worked on our strategic cheering plan for Sunday. Then Saturday evening, we had the team dinner...which completely shouldn't be called "dinner" because it happened at 4pm. But that's beside the point.
I figured I had come all this way to cheer for everyone, so I might as well do it right, so I woke up ridiculously early to meet the team to walk to the race start. At first, there weren't that many people around...but shortly, that definitely changed. Especially in the good spectator areas.
Once we saw the swim start, and also took the time to be amazed at the pro who was easily a quarter of a mile ahead of everyone else...Debbie and I decided more caffeine was needed...so we found a non-Starbucks coffee shop that was open and got some amazing coffee...then made our way back to the course. We ended up in a couple of places...but out of sheer chance (and necessity of finding a bathroom) we ended up being able to watch everyone come out of transition part 1.
After seeing most of the team coming out of transition, we made our way back to the hotel, and met up with Erin...and we headed out to the bike course. Again, by chance, we caught several people at mile 35. Again...quite awesome. We cheered. We made people laugh. It's even quite possible we made some people cry.
Did I mention the costumes? Yes...we were definitely the crazy ones dressed as devils.
We stayed at mile 35 for quite a while, but then decided it was time to move on. I'm not sure what mile we ended up at next...but we saw basically the same group of people...basically because we were looking for Erin's bf (now fiance) Tim.
By the third place we stopped, again, seeing some of the same people...they were starting to look for us...because, of course, we weren't just cheering for our friends...we were cheering for everyone. As a fellow spectator put it best: "If you can make someone smile at mile 70 of this thing, you're doing something good."
Then it was on to the team cheering section where we were more interested in food than anything else because we were hungry...and needed a bit of a rest.
After an almost nap...we moved back into town on the run course, and made it back just in time to see the same group on the run course.
I'm not going to lie...it was a long day. I woke up close to 3am, and didn't get back to bed until 2 the next morning. A large portion of that time was spent on my feet, screaming, clapping, and ringing a cowbell. I have shin splints, a sunburn, and I don't think my vocal chords have yet recovered.
But what really didn't hit until the next day was what I had really seen take place. I saw several of my friends finish one of the hardest things a human being can put their bodies through. It wasn't just Sunday...because for many of them, this process started a year ago. And to see them for a few seconds during that day will stay with me forever.
I was a little surprised that I didn't get more emotional on Sunday. I did good. I think I was so focused on cheering for everyone that it didn't really sink in what was happening around me. Then Monday morning, I watched a video of Mark crossing the finish line...and I was done. I cried then. I cried on the way to the hotel. I'm about to cry now just thinking about it.
From those of us that cheered that day, I have heard of 2 different reactions to the day. One being "I can't wait to do one myself!!" and the other being "This is all the proof I need to tell me that I never want to do this, ever."
Guess which category I fall into?
Yeah...the first.
But we probably already knew that. I've been thinking for a long time that next year would be the year for one. And I'd been thinking about doing Beach2Battleship...for no other reason that the timing would be about right, and I've always wanted to do that race. Plus, since it's not in Mexico, I could get my family to be there...most likely. Now, after experiencing the team effort at MOO...I'm thinking Arizona. Though not the official team race...there are a lot of other people doing the race...and I'm liking that idea.
It is going to be a really long year, and I've seen a lot of what I'm going to go through...though I have absolutely no idea how it's going to feel personally. I'm excited and terrified at the same time...which is probably a good thing. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I stay healthy throughout this process...or at least as healthy as I can.
To finish this whole thing off...I have to say I'm still incredibly happy with my decision to go. I've been thanked by many people that raced that day, and by Ed. And to me, it was the least I could do. I didn't do the hard part...but I hope that my small contribution to the cause helped my friends, and strangers alike, to achieve their goal.
After a very long night in airport terminals, or on an airplane, I finally arrived in Madison...and finally checked into my hotel...and most importantly showered. I ended up meeting up with Erin, and worked on our strategic cheering plan for Sunday. Then Saturday evening, we had the team dinner...which completely shouldn't be called "dinner" because it happened at 4pm. But that's beside the point.
I figured I had come all this way to cheer for everyone, so I might as well do it right, so I woke up ridiculously early to meet the team to walk to the race start. At first, there weren't that many people around...but shortly, that definitely changed. Especially in the good spectator areas.
Once we saw the swim start, and also took the time to be amazed at the pro who was easily a quarter of a mile ahead of everyone else...Debbie and I decided more caffeine was needed...so we found a non-Starbucks coffee shop that was open and got some amazing coffee...then made our way back to the course. We ended up in a couple of places...but out of sheer chance (and necessity of finding a bathroom) we ended up being able to watch everyone come out of transition part 1.
After seeing most of the team coming out of transition, we made our way back to the hotel, and met up with Erin...and we headed out to the bike course. Again, by chance, we caught several people at mile 35. Again...quite awesome. We cheered. We made people laugh. It's even quite possible we made some people cry.
Did I mention the costumes? Yes...we were definitely the crazy ones dressed as devils.
We stayed at mile 35 for quite a while, but then decided it was time to move on. I'm not sure what mile we ended up at next...but we saw basically the same group of people...basically because we were looking for Erin's bf (now fiance) Tim.
By the third place we stopped, again, seeing some of the same people...they were starting to look for us...because, of course, we weren't just cheering for our friends...we were cheering for everyone. As a fellow spectator put it best: "If you can make someone smile at mile 70 of this thing, you're doing something good."
Then it was on to the team cheering section where we were more interested in food than anything else because we were hungry...and needed a bit of a rest.
After an almost nap...we moved back into town on the run course, and made it back just in time to see the same group on the run course.
I'm not going to lie...it was a long day. I woke up close to 3am, and didn't get back to bed until 2 the next morning. A large portion of that time was spent on my feet, screaming, clapping, and ringing a cowbell. I have shin splints, a sunburn, and I don't think my vocal chords have yet recovered.
But what really didn't hit until the next day was what I had really seen take place. I saw several of my friends finish one of the hardest things a human being can put their bodies through. It wasn't just Sunday...because for many of them, this process started a year ago. And to see them for a few seconds during that day will stay with me forever.
I was a little surprised that I didn't get more emotional on Sunday. I did good. I think I was so focused on cheering for everyone that it didn't really sink in what was happening around me. Then Monday morning, I watched a video of Mark crossing the finish line...and I was done. I cried then. I cried on the way to the hotel. I'm about to cry now just thinking about it.
From those of us that cheered that day, I have heard of 2 different reactions to the day. One being "I can't wait to do one myself!!" and the other being "This is all the proof I need to tell me that I never want to do this, ever."
Guess which category I fall into?
Yeah...the first.
But we probably already knew that. I've been thinking for a long time that next year would be the year for one. And I'd been thinking about doing Beach2Battleship...for no other reason that the timing would be about right, and I've always wanted to do that race. Plus, since it's not in Mexico, I could get my family to be there...most likely. Now, after experiencing the team effort at MOO...I'm thinking Arizona. Though not the official team race...there are a lot of other people doing the race...and I'm liking that idea.
It is going to be a really long year, and I've seen a lot of what I'm going to go through...though I have absolutely no idea how it's going to feel personally. I'm excited and terrified at the same time...which is probably a good thing. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I stay healthy throughout this process...or at least as healthy as I can.
To finish this whole thing off...I have to say I'm still incredibly happy with my decision to go. I've been thanked by many people that raced that day, and by Ed. And to me, it was the least I could do. I didn't do the hard part...but I hope that my small contribution to the cause helped my friends, and strangers alike, to achieve their goal.
Friday, September 10, 2010
My BFF is a Genius.
Yes...we did already know this. But there are now even more reasons why.
Let me back up just a little bit. I had a weird ass dream last night. I was el preggo...gave birth quite quickly...and then had a couple of moments where I was taking care of the little one.
To a single girl with no foreseeable prospects for anything like that in the near future...to say the least...I was freaked out. Freaked out to the point where I had to look up what my dream meant. Not that I really think dream analysis is a bunch of hooey...I just don't really have much of an opinion on the matter. And as a result...don't know much about it. So once I did my brief research...I emailed my BFF...who actually does spend a bit of time on this subject.
We've come up with a solution...and honestly...the solution isn't as weird as I initially thought. In fact...it actually makes much sense.
Here's what we've got:
PREGNANCY: signifies an embryonic stage of a specific type of awareness or enlightenment. May point to the beginning formulation of a plan or idea.
PREGNANCY TEST: refers to a question as to whether or not this is a good time to start a new venture or beginning.
CHILDREN: connote a stage of acceptance and innocence; a belief in possibilities and one's dreams.
MOTHER: characterizes a nurturing aspect; may represent personal real time associations.
HARD LABOR (which I did not see but it's still significant): signifies great personal efforts applied to changing one's life.
Anyone that's somewhat familiar with the past few months of my life is also probably aware that I've been daydreaming about relaxation...and a less stressful life.
Well...I'm definitely not ready to completely uproot my life, quit my job (again) and move across the country (though I do love Seattle). I also know that right now is not the right time to be making decisions like this. But something is definitely needed.
For a very long time I've had a hard time relaxing. I have felt selfish whenever I do anything just for myself. And I've definitely been a little too type A for a little too long. I've used the time that I work out as my "me" time. And though that's really good for working off frustration...it's not exactly relaxing.
So where my BFF is really a genius is her idea. She's doing it for herself...and I'm going to start doing it myself. Once a month (I haven't picked what day of the month I want yet) schedule some time just for myself. Something for me. A pedicure, or massage...or whatever else I want to do. It seems so simple...but yet...so perfect.
I have other things that I want to do too. I have goals for this year...race goals especially. For the year I've had...they're lofty. But I *WILL* get 70.3 in this year. And I'm making a commitment to actually...you know...stick to a training schedule...and not come up with excuses to skip workouts. Unless I accidentally sleep in. I'm thinking if my body (that hasn't slept past 6am in over 2 years) needs to sleep until 8:30am...it probably has a good reason. And then I'll still get my work out in.
I'm also, now, at the end of the hellish 6 weeks. This weekend is mine. Well...mine and everyone doing IM MOO. But there will be no work. And for that, I am very excited. Oh...and it looks like I'm coming back to Seattle in a couple of weeks. But I'm ok with that...because I really do like it here.
Change is a hard thing. But sometimes, change is also a necessary thing.
Let me back up just a little bit. I had a weird ass dream last night. I was el preggo...gave birth quite quickly...and then had a couple of moments where I was taking care of the little one.
To a single girl with no foreseeable prospects for anything like that in the near future...to say the least...I was freaked out. Freaked out to the point where I had to look up what my dream meant. Not that I really think dream analysis is a bunch of hooey...I just don't really have much of an opinion on the matter. And as a result...don't know much about it. So once I did my brief research...I emailed my BFF...who actually does spend a bit of time on this subject.
We've come up with a solution...and honestly...the solution isn't as weird as I initially thought. In fact...it actually makes much sense.
Here's what we've got:
PREGNANCY: signifies an embryonic stage of a specific type of awareness or enlightenment. May point to the beginning formulation of a plan or idea.
PREGNANCY TEST: refers to a question as to whether or not this is a good time to start a new venture or beginning.
CHILDREN: connote a stage of acceptance and innocence; a belief in possibilities and one's dreams.
MOTHER: characterizes a nurturing aspect; may represent personal real time associations.
HARD LABOR (which I did not see but it's still significant): signifies great personal efforts applied to changing one's life.
Anyone that's somewhat familiar with the past few months of my life is also probably aware that I've been daydreaming about relaxation...and a less stressful life.
Well...I'm definitely not ready to completely uproot my life, quit my job (again) and move across the country (though I do love Seattle). I also know that right now is not the right time to be making decisions like this. But something is definitely needed.
For a very long time I've had a hard time relaxing. I have felt selfish whenever I do anything just for myself. And I've definitely been a little too type A for a little too long. I've used the time that I work out as my "me" time. And though that's really good for working off frustration...it's not exactly relaxing.
So where my BFF is really a genius is her idea. She's doing it for herself...and I'm going to start doing it myself. Once a month (I haven't picked what day of the month I want yet) schedule some time just for myself. Something for me. A pedicure, or massage...or whatever else I want to do. It seems so simple...but yet...so perfect.
I have other things that I want to do too. I have goals for this year...race goals especially. For the year I've had...they're lofty. But I *WILL* get 70.3 in this year. And I'm making a commitment to actually...you know...stick to a training schedule...and not come up with excuses to skip workouts. Unless I accidentally sleep in. I'm thinking if my body (that hasn't slept past 6am in over 2 years) needs to sleep until 8:30am...it probably has a good reason. And then I'll still get my work out in.
I'm also, now, at the end of the hellish 6 weeks. This weekend is mine. Well...mine and everyone doing IM MOO. But there will be no work. And for that, I am very excited. Oh...and it looks like I'm coming back to Seattle in a couple of weeks. But I'm ok with that...because I really do like it here.
Change is a hard thing. But sometimes, change is also a necessary thing.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I thought of something today
I've been living in DC now for almost 2 years exactly. The circumstances in which I moved to DC weren't the greatest. I was in a job that was going nowhere, and hanging out with people that created way too much drama, and way too much trouble.
When I moved to DC, life changed. I feel like I grew up, and really fit into living in the city. I abhorred driving, Country music, and bright colored clothing (anything lime green excluded, of course). I have fully been living the city life style, completely down to going to work far too early, working far too many hours, and fairly fast paced. Well...I have, for a long time, had a problem relaxing. I feel like if I'm not accomplishing something useful, I'm slacking, and therefore, a horrible person. It's a type A thing.
Not only have I been day-dreaming of opening up a B&B...baking and decorating...I've been visiting small towns. I grew up in a small town...and I think for the past couple of years, I've resisted anything and everything small town. Refusing to accept anything that wasn't from my city, and snubbing my nose at small town things...like everyone knowing everyone...and local grocery stores...and commutes that last less than an hour.
As I was driving to my session this morning, I realized that upon moving to DC, things changed for me. And that's probably what I needed at that point in time. But I think I need to get back to my roots just a little bit. It's time. Due to a couple of song suggestions that I desperately needed for my Road Trip play list, I was re-introduced to Country music. And though it's not something that I'll ever listen all the time (then again...there isn't one type of music I listen to ALL the time) I have definitely remembered that I actually do like it.
I'm not saying that I'm ready to leave DC and move back to my home town. Uh...no thank you. Been there, done that. I'm definitely not going to forget many of the things that I've grown to appreciate about living in the city. I really do like living there. I'm definitely not going to start drinking Bud Light. I do like really good beer. Mmm...beer.
But there must be a compromise somewhere. There has to be...right?
When I moved to DC, life changed. I feel like I grew up, and really fit into living in the city. I abhorred driving, Country music, and bright colored clothing (anything lime green excluded, of course). I have fully been living the city life style, completely down to going to work far too early, working far too many hours, and fairly fast paced. Well...I have, for a long time, had a problem relaxing. I feel like if I'm not accomplishing something useful, I'm slacking, and therefore, a horrible person. It's a type A thing.
Not only have I been day-dreaming of opening up a B&B...baking and decorating...I've been visiting small towns. I grew up in a small town...and I think for the past couple of years, I've resisted anything and everything small town. Refusing to accept anything that wasn't from my city, and snubbing my nose at small town things...like everyone knowing everyone...and local grocery stores...and commutes that last less than an hour.
As I was driving to my session this morning, I realized that upon moving to DC, things changed for me. And that's probably what I needed at that point in time. But I think I need to get back to my roots just a little bit. It's time. Due to a couple of song suggestions that I desperately needed for my Road Trip play list, I was re-introduced to Country music. And though it's not something that I'll ever listen all the time (then again...there isn't one type of music I listen to ALL the time) I have definitely remembered that I actually do like it.
I'm not saying that I'm ready to leave DC and move back to my home town. Uh...no thank you. Been there, done that. I'm definitely not going to forget many of the things that I've grown to appreciate about living in the city. I really do like living there. I'm definitely not going to start drinking Bud Light. I do like really good beer. Mmm...beer.
But there must be a compromise somewhere. There has to be...right?
So...
...yeah.
Great start...huh? :)
Clearly, I know how to lose weight. Been there. Done that. I just don't like needing to do so again. And I definitely need to do so again. I lost some when I was sick...but not a lot, and definitely not enough to counter the amount of muscle that I lost. Plus, with traveling as much as I have been, and eating like crap...I've gained...well...I'm not sure how much. But there has definitely been a gain.
I've been this out of shape before...but what's more frustrating now is that I've been in much better shape. I've had a lot more muscle...and now I have to try to get it back. Before, I was just happy with the small amount of muscle I was gaining because it was more than I'd ever had before.
What's more is that I'm impatient. Terribly impatient. I want to have all of that muscle back...plus some more...NOW.
As I said...I clearly know how to lose weight...but I've been traveling a lot lately, and it's a little difficult to eat well while on the road. Plus, I like food. And I feel like I'm just now getting back to the point where I should be with work outs.
Side note, I had really awesome grilled salmon for dinner. Served with a lemon wedge...and my fingers (even after a few washings) still smell like lemon. Mmm.
I know that it's going to come back...and it's going to come back soon. But in the mean time...I am definitely not happy with how I look right now. I won't go into grave detail...but it's not pretty.
I'm sure when I get home, and back to life as normal...or better yet...life as I'd really like it to be...then I should be ok. I know I haven't been drinking enough water lately either. I've been so good at that for so long, and being tired and cranky apparently makes me not want to drink water. Ok...drinking 87 cups of coffee or diet coke a day probably effect that as well. But sometimes you need a little pick me up.
I just know that I really don't want to see my scale for a very, very long time.
Great start...huh? :)
Clearly, I know how to lose weight. Been there. Done that. I just don't like needing to do so again. And I definitely need to do so again. I lost some when I was sick...but not a lot, and definitely not enough to counter the amount of muscle that I lost. Plus, with traveling as much as I have been, and eating like crap...I've gained...well...I'm not sure how much. But there has definitely been a gain.
I've been this out of shape before...but what's more frustrating now is that I've been in much better shape. I've had a lot more muscle...and now I have to try to get it back. Before, I was just happy with the small amount of muscle I was gaining because it was more than I'd ever had before.
What's more is that I'm impatient. Terribly impatient. I want to have all of that muscle back...plus some more...NOW.
As I said...I clearly know how to lose weight...but I've been traveling a lot lately, and it's a little difficult to eat well while on the road. Plus, I like food. And I feel like I'm just now getting back to the point where I should be with work outs.
Side note, I had really awesome grilled salmon for dinner. Served with a lemon wedge...and my fingers (even after a few washings) still smell like lemon. Mmm.
I know that it's going to come back...and it's going to come back soon. But in the mean time...I am definitely not happy with how I look right now. I won't go into grave detail...but it's not pretty.
I'm sure when I get home, and back to life as normal...or better yet...life as I'd really like it to be...then I should be ok. I know I haven't been drinking enough water lately either. I've been so good at that for so long, and being tired and cranky apparently makes me not want to drink water. Ok...drinking 87 cups of coffee or diet coke a day probably effect that as well. But sometimes you need a little pick me up.
I just know that I really don't want to see my scale for a very, very long time.
Monday, September 6, 2010
The end is near-ish.
I'm currently starting my sixth, and hopefully final, week of traveling...at least for a while. Personally...I wasn't really looking forward to losing my 3 day weekend to travel 3000 miles away from home...but I'm beginning to have a change of heart.
The journey West started far too early this morning...because it is either ridiculously difficult (meaning an extremely long day) or extremely expensive (still an extremely long day) to get from one coast to the other. So right away...not something I'm overly looking forward to. But as we were getting ready to land, and we got out of the cloud that kind of freaked me out (because we were in it for a really long time) I saw Seattle. Really for the first time. I've flown through Seattle before...but was in a middle seat flying in, and couldn't really see anything...and flying out was worried that the 6 month preggo Erin was going to puke all over me. So really this was the first time I got a good look at the city.
As we got closer to the airport...something weird happened. I started smiling. That's definitely not something I've done a lot of the past few months. As I got through the airport...and though I still have yet to find a clock in the Seattle Airport...it's definitely not a bad airport. So I get in my rental car...a Dodge Caliber this week...which...let me tell you is one step away from Fred Flinstone's happenin' ride...and would have more power if I stuck my feet through the floor and started running.
I definitely like Seattle. The overcast, rainy weather hasn't even bothered me. And really...the way I feel right now...I kind of want to buy a one way ticket, rent an apartment and buy a Subaru and a kayak :) It just feels very mellow...but at the same time...very...right...somehow.
It also helps that, thanks to the sponsor I have for this week...I'm staying in quite a nice hotel. It's actually a casino on an Indian reservation here...but by far the nicest hotel I've probably ever stayed in. As I sit here in my hotel provided bathrobe. Ok...so I might have felt a little like a bumpkin walking around in awe of the hotel room...but hey...the shower has 3 heads!
Shall I get started on the room service? The best room service meal ever. Ok...so most room service is kind of crap...but this was a good meal. Steak and eggs. Exactly what I needed.
I just looked at the clock on my computer (which is still on East Coast time) and realized that it's really 11pm for me. So I'm going to go to bed now. But I'm definitely looking forward to my week here in Washington.
The journey West started far too early this morning...because it is either ridiculously difficult (meaning an extremely long day) or extremely expensive (still an extremely long day) to get from one coast to the other. So right away...not something I'm overly looking forward to. But as we were getting ready to land, and we got out of the cloud that kind of freaked me out (because we were in it for a really long time) I saw Seattle. Really for the first time. I've flown through Seattle before...but was in a middle seat flying in, and couldn't really see anything...and flying out was worried that the 6 month preggo Erin was going to puke all over me. So really this was the first time I got a good look at the city.
As we got closer to the airport...something weird happened. I started smiling. That's definitely not something I've done a lot of the past few months. As I got through the airport...and though I still have yet to find a clock in the Seattle Airport...it's definitely not a bad airport. So I get in my rental car...a Dodge Caliber this week...which...let me tell you is one step away from Fred Flinstone's happenin' ride...and would have more power if I stuck my feet through the floor and started running.
I definitely like Seattle. The overcast, rainy weather hasn't even bothered me. And really...the way I feel right now...I kind of want to buy a one way ticket, rent an apartment and buy a Subaru and a kayak :) It just feels very mellow...but at the same time...very...right...somehow.
It also helps that, thanks to the sponsor I have for this week...I'm staying in quite a nice hotel. It's actually a casino on an Indian reservation here...but by far the nicest hotel I've probably ever stayed in. As I sit here in my hotel provided bathrobe. Ok...so I might have felt a little like a bumpkin walking around in awe of the hotel room...but hey...the shower has 3 heads!
Shall I get started on the room service? The best room service meal ever. Ok...so most room service is kind of crap...but this was a good meal. Steak and eggs. Exactly what I needed.
I just looked at the clock on my computer (which is still on East Coast time) and realized that it's really 11pm for me. So I'm going to go to bed now. But I'm definitely looking forward to my week here in Washington.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
My First Loaf of Bread
So I've made a list of things I want to learn how to do. Baking homemade bread is on the list...and the first thing I've tried to accomplish.
I failed.
I do not like to fail. At all.
Ok...so it tasted ok...but it was a failure. It was flat, and not very bread-like.
I know that it's a process, and it's something that needs to be learned. But I had such high hopes that my first loaf of bread was going to turn out perfect.
Ok...so it didn't. But I learned some things. As always. Hopefully the next loaf won't turn out so bad.
I mean...I like to bake. And I've got some skills. Not that I like to brag about it...but...you know...people have said some nice things before. Cookies especially...I've got mad skills there. I'm trying to remember the first solo batch of cookies I ever baked. And it's a little difficult because that was probably about 20 years ago. I'm sure they didn't turn out perfect. I know the first cake I baked from scratch was a flop. It happens. You learn. You move on. You bake better things.
But I will not get discouraged. I will try again.
So...here's what's on the list:
Bread (obviously)
Strawberry Jam
Olive Tampenade
Rosemary Lemon Chicken
I'm sure I'll come across more things...but that's on the list right now. Hopefully the next loaf of bread will turn out a little better. I might need some help eating some bread over the next few weeks.
I failed.
I do not like to fail. At all.
Ok...so it tasted ok...but it was a failure. It was flat, and not very bread-like.
I know that it's a process, and it's something that needs to be learned. But I had such high hopes that my first loaf of bread was going to turn out perfect.
Ok...so it didn't. But I learned some things. As always. Hopefully the next loaf won't turn out so bad.
I mean...I like to bake. And I've got some skills. Not that I like to brag about it...but...you know...people have said some nice things before. Cookies especially...I've got mad skills there. I'm trying to remember the first solo batch of cookies I ever baked. And it's a little difficult because that was probably about 20 years ago. I'm sure they didn't turn out perfect. I know the first cake I baked from scratch was a flop. It happens. You learn. You move on. You bake better things.
But I will not get discouraged. I will try again.
So...here's what's on the list:
Bread (obviously)
Strawberry Jam
Olive Tampenade
Rosemary Lemon Chicken
I'm sure I'll come across more things...but that's on the list right now. Hopefully the next loaf of bread will turn out a little better. I might need some help eating some bread over the next few weeks.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I made a grown woman cry.
And other assorted tales from the road.
I've wanted to detail some of the things I've learned from the last month and a half while traveling about the country. I've traveled to a lot of different places, with completely different cultures...none of them being home to me. This includes the week I spent in DC. That didn't even seem normal to me.
So...let's go back to the beginning of time. Ok...not the beginning of time...that would take too long, and too much therapy to get through. Let's start with 5 weeks ago when I went to Kentucky. This was not a good start to my ARRRRRRGust. I was in complete culture shock. I flew in to Huntington, WV, and right away, I could tell there was a different feel for the area. The airport was very small, only 3 "gates" which were really sliding glass doors that you walked to and from the plane on the actual tarmac. The baggage claim was literally 15 feet long, and it still took almost a half hour for our luggage to re-appear. But it finally did, and I headed over to the rental car counter. When I got there, the 15 year old (kidding...maybe) that they had staffing the counter asked me for my license. When I handed him my DC license, he took one look at it, then me, then asked "so...uh...what brings you to town?"
As I drove to my hotel, I got completely freaked out. I grew up in a really small town, and I've traveled to many places, but this is the first time I really felt like a fish out of water. Think stereotypical coal mining town, and you've about got it. I found my hotel, and it was quite clear that I was in THE nice hotel with THE nice restaurant attached to it. I called my mom, still completely freaking out. I had no idea how I would survive this place...and I had to be there to deliver 3 days of sessions! I ordered room service. Amazingly (and thankfully) they had Blue Moon. This is pretty much the only way I survived the next few days.
The next day when I met my participants that I'd be working with for the next few days, I knew that it was going to be memorable. Let's think 80's hair, 80's clothes, and really deep southern accents. Even my friends/family from Kentucky felt sorry for me for having to visit that area. I wish I had gotten a better warning before I arrived. But I can't say that it was all completely negative. The group was really nice, and they definitely welcomed me. In fact, the sponsor and I talked about me going back next year to deliver other sessions. To be honest, I'd actually willingly go. The reason being that at the end of our 3 days together, a lot of participants thanked me for what I'd done, and a couple even gave me hugs.
I survived the trip back to DC, and even made my connection with enough time to pee and grab lunch. Whew...I'm back in DC for a week!
I spend the following week working with one of our contractors who used to work in the DCPS system for nearly 40 years, and has been a trainer with our company for 7 years. I learned that week that you can work in the field for that long, but you can still learn something from a "kid." I actually taught her something...and I learned some presentation skills from her, but content...well...I already knew. My lack of Early Childhood background had made me feel like I didn't know what I was doing...but seeing that I knew just as much on the subject as she did made me feel pretty darn good. DC was a rough week...and sadly I don't have much positive to say about it. A lot of crap happened that I still don't want to talk about, preferring to leave it in the past. Short story, I was made to feel like I was stupid and didn't know how to do my job, and some new materials that were just handed to me got stolen. DC burnt me out. But hey...I got to sleep in my own bed. Oh...and I was chosen to deliver a presentation on something I had no idea about the night before I was supposed to deliver it. And I kicked ass at that.
So there's that.
Next up...Wisconsin. North-Western Wisconsin. Wisconsin is exactly what you think it is. Small towns with a lot of corn fields. Driving through made me feel like I was back home. It was quick though. I was there to deliver 2 days, and then would immediately be flying to Ohio. The session in Wisconsin went fairly well. One of the most notable things was that there was a HUGE fail with the GPS. I typed in the address exactly how I had been given it, and it took me 7 miles out of my way. Had it not been for my dad, I would have been completely lost. But I survived.
On to Ohio...2 more days. I get to my hotel at 11pm, and realize that the cold I thought I was getting had officially set in. I did not want to be there. I was sick, and tired, and really sick. The first day of the session, I was to deliver to 80 people in a room that could potentially hold 500...so it was a big room, and they made me wear a microphone. This is weird...thinking back on this...it was only 2 weeks ago...but it seems like a lifetime ago. I survived day 1, and the people were, once again, really nice. Day 2, I had no voice, but everyone was really nice to me, and helped me out as much as they could. Fortunately, it wasn't a horrendously long day. I went back to the hotel and crashed. This is the part where I actually appreciate hotel cable.
So far, no horrible stories with participants. Of course, the pace was off for everyone like it always is. But no one had called me out on not having an Early Childhood background, or not having any classroom experience...which is good.
Next up...Salt Lake City. To that point, the most civilized place I've been. I'm in town a day early, which means I get to hang out and work from my hotel room, and relax a little bit. Which was actually possible. It was definitely needed. I even got a chance to visit the Mormon's in Temple Square. They were very nice, and I got some good pictures of Gus...even if I did feel like I was vandalizing the statues by putting a rubber duck on them :) But it was totally worth it. The session in SLC was good, it went really well, and I got to work with another trainer (though we didn't deliver in the same room) we were in the same building which was nice. Kind of moral support for one another. But it went really well, and overall, not many challenges. The main thing was that there was one participant who always talked, and annoyed everyone else. But I worked with it, and again, at the end of the session, I got hugs. Rock on! Days like that are also needed because they remind me of why I like doing this.
Ok...back from Salt Lake City, and I'm in DC for a few days! I actually make an appearance at my office...which I think everyone was shocked that I was there. They hadn't seen me for a month. That's actually not an exaggeration. There was actual some debate about where I would be heading this week. I knew that I would be going somewhere, but I had said that I'd only do the beginning of the week because my BFF is coming into town, and I need to spend some time with her. So first I was going to Washington, then I wasn't...I was going to Boston. Wait...then there's confusion there, and I might not be needed there. So the next day looked like this. I really just want to go to Boston, it'll be easier for me, and it will work with my schedule. Well...sorry...we don't want to send you to Boston, how about South Dakota...and sorry...this will totally screw up your plans. Oh wait...now you can go to Boston. Thanks!
So I've been in Boston this week. The Boston-ites are a little...well...different. Driving here is insane...but I have yet to get lost! It's not hard to navigate...but you really just need to forget all rules of the road that you were ever taught, cut off everyone, and only be concerned with getting where you need to be, and you'll be fine. The sessions here have gone ok...they just had a similar session less than a year ago...so they already know what they're talking about. There is 1 woman here though...wow...just wow. She's been a nervous Nelly the entire time, especially since I introduced the online part. She doesn't like change. She showed up early today and told me that she was really nervous and if I didn't explain everything in detail to her and walk her through really slow that she'd cry. Well...I did walk her through it, and she was picking everything up. When she'd ask what she needed to do, I'd start to explain it, and before I could get my entire explanation out, she would already be doing it. I re-assured her MANY times over the morning that she knew what she was doing...but she just wouldn't believe it. After her session was over this morning, I saw her walking through the building, crying. I didn't say anything then, but told one of the sponsors what I saw. When I was walking back in from getting my lunch...she walked in right before me. I asked her how she was doing, and she wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. That really upsets me...but at the same time...I also know that it's not me. The people here know how she is, and have told me they understand. She'll be fine...she just doesn't think she will be. Well...that's not my problem. Sorry...but I'm not a hold your hand and tell you it'll be ok kind of girl. Never have been, never will be.
I found out when I got to the hotel in Boston that I'd be going to Washington State next week. At this point, I'm tired, and I'm ready to be at home for a while...but what am I going to do. I have thought that what is the point of having an office job if I don't get holiday's (this is the second holiday weekend I've lost this year to training). But what am I going to do? I'm on staff, and I really can't say no. So I'm going to Washington State next week to deliver 4 days of sessions, and then am flying directly to Wisconsin to cheer on my friends at IM MOO.
So let's see...short recap:
Kentucky...big hair and Southern accents, but really nice people.
Wisconsin...your typical Mid-Western small town.
Ohio...I don't remember because I was sick.
DC...not as nice as it sounds for being at home.
Salt Lake City...the prettiest place I've been so far...the mountains were a nice touch.
Boston...crazy people that cry...and have the stereotypical Baaaaaastaaaaaan accents.
My friends and co-workers are beginning to give up on my existence. I thought I was heading in the right direction on a couple of things before this all started...and now I think it's been screwed up because I haven't been there. I've tried to see my friends...but trying to fit everything in in the 24 hours I'm at home is nearly impossible...and I'm not sure why some things haven't worked out even though I've tried to make them happen. I miss my friends. I miss being able to plan more than a couple of days in advance...and not having to change plans at the last minute. I thought once I got home tonight that I'd really be home. Now that's changed. I really hope next week is it. I miss doing things from before all this happened. I want to go running or biking with my friends. I want to have time to see a movie, or go to dinner. I don't want to sleep my weekends away when I'm at home because I'm so exhausted.
I've also been thinking about a lot of things I want to do. I actually wrote out a list the other night. Granted...this list is extensive...and will probably take a lifetime to accomplish...but I have ideas. I want to bake really good home-made bread without the assistance of a bread maker. I want to learn how to make home-made strawberry jam. I want to have this really awesome wooden bench with over-stuffed pillows that I can curl up and read in. There's a lot more to the list...but a few things at a time...
In thinking back about what I've written...I had originally hoped it would be more funny...but that's definitely not the feeling that I'm getting afterward...and that's just depressing. Maybe I need more caffeine :)
I've wanted to detail some of the things I've learned from the last month and a half while traveling about the country. I've traveled to a lot of different places, with completely different cultures...none of them being home to me. This includes the week I spent in DC. That didn't even seem normal to me.
So...let's go back to the beginning of time. Ok...not the beginning of time...that would take too long, and too much therapy to get through. Let's start with 5 weeks ago when I went to Kentucky. This was not a good start to my ARRRRRRGust. I was in complete culture shock. I flew in to Huntington, WV, and right away, I could tell there was a different feel for the area. The airport was very small, only 3 "gates" which were really sliding glass doors that you walked to and from the plane on the actual tarmac. The baggage claim was literally 15 feet long, and it still took almost a half hour for our luggage to re-appear. But it finally did, and I headed over to the rental car counter. When I got there, the 15 year old (kidding...maybe) that they had staffing the counter asked me for my license. When I handed him my DC license, he took one look at it, then me, then asked "so...uh...what brings you to town?"
As I drove to my hotel, I got completely freaked out. I grew up in a really small town, and I've traveled to many places, but this is the first time I really felt like a fish out of water. Think stereotypical coal mining town, and you've about got it. I found my hotel, and it was quite clear that I was in THE nice hotel with THE nice restaurant attached to it. I called my mom, still completely freaking out. I had no idea how I would survive this place...and I had to be there to deliver 3 days of sessions! I ordered room service. Amazingly (and thankfully) they had Blue Moon. This is pretty much the only way I survived the next few days.
The next day when I met my participants that I'd be working with for the next few days, I knew that it was going to be memorable. Let's think 80's hair, 80's clothes, and really deep southern accents. Even my friends/family from Kentucky felt sorry for me for having to visit that area. I wish I had gotten a better warning before I arrived. But I can't say that it was all completely negative. The group was really nice, and they definitely welcomed me. In fact, the sponsor and I talked about me going back next year to deliver other sessions. To be honest, I'd actually willingly go. The reason being that at the end of our 3 days together, a lot of participants thanked me for what I'd done, and a couple even gave me hugs.
I survived the trip back to DC, and even made my connection with enough time to pee and grab lunch. Whew...I'm back in DC for a week!
I spend the following week working with one of our contractors who used to work in the DCPS system for nearly 40 years, and has been a trainer with our company for 7 years. I learned that week that you can work in the field for that long, but you can still learn something from a "kid." I actually taught her something...and I learned some presentation skills from her, but content...well...I already knew. My lack of Early Childhood background had made me feel like I didn't know what I was doing...but seeing that I knew just as much on the subject as she did made me feel pretty darn good. DC was a rough week...and sadly I don't have much positive to say about it. A lot of crap happened that I still don't want to talk about, preferring to leave it in the past. Short story, I was made to feel like I was stupid and didn't know how to do my job, and some new materials that were just handed to me got stolen. DC burnt me out. But hey...I got to sleep in my own bed. Oh...and I was chosen to deliver a presentation on something I had no idea about the night before I was supposed to deliver it. And I kicked ass at that.
So there's that.
Next up...Wisconsin. North-Western Wisconsin. Wisconsin is exactly what you think it is. Small towns with a lot of corn fields. Driving through made me feel like I was back home. It was quick though. I was there to deliver 2 days, and then would immediately be flying to Ohio. The session in Wisconsin went fairly well. One of the most notable things was that there was a HUGE fail with the GPS. I typed in the address exactly how I had been given it, and it took me 7 miles out of my way. Had it not been for my dad, I would have been completely lost. But I survived.
On to Ohio...2 more days. I get to my hotel at 11pm, and realize that the cold I thought I was getting had officially set in. I did not want to be there. I was sick, and tired, and really sick. The first day of the session, I was to deliver to 80 people in a room that could potentially hold 500...so it was a big room, and they made me wear a microphone. This is weird...thinking back on this...it was only 2 weeks ago...but it seems like a lifetime ago. I survived day 1, and the people were, once again, really nice. Day 2, I had no voice, but everyone was really nice to me, and helped me out as much as they could. Fortunately, it wasn't a horrendously long day. I went back to the hotel and crashed. This is the part where I actually appreciate hotel cable.
So far, no horrible stories with participants. Of course, the pace was off for everyone like it always is. But no one had called me out on not having an Early Childhood background, or not having any classroom experience...which is good.
Next up...Salt Lake City. To that point, the most civilized place I've been. I'm in town a day early, which means I get to hang out and work from my hotel room, and relax a little bit. Which was actually possible. It was definitely needed. I even got a chance to visit the Mormon's in Temple Square. They were very nice, and I got some good pictures of Gus...even if I did feel like I was vandalizing the statues by putting a rubber duck on them :) But it was totally worth it. The session in SLC was good, it went really well, and I got to work with another trainer (though we didn't deliver in the same room) we were in the same building which was nice. Kind of moral support for one another. But it went really well, and overall, not many challenges. The main thing was that there was one participant who always talked, and annoyed everyone else. But I worked with it, and again, at the end of the session, I got hugs. Rock on! Days like that are also needed because they remind me of why I like doing this.
Ok...back from Salt Lake City, and I'm in DC for a few days! I actually make an appearance at my office...which I think everyone was shocked that I was there. They hadn't seen me for a month. That's actually not an exaggeration. There was actual some debate about where I would be heading this week. I knew that I would be going somewhere, but I had said that I'd only do the beginning of the week because my BFF is coming into town, and I need to spend some time with her. So first I was going to Washington, then I wasn't...I was going to Boston. Wait...then there's confusion there, and I might not be needed there. So the next day looked like this. I really just want to go to Boston, it'll be easier for me, and it will work with my schedule. Well...sorry...we don't want to send you to Boston, how about South Dakota...and sorry...this will totally screw up your plans. Oh wait...now you can go to Boston. Thanks!
So I've been in Boston this week. The Boston-ites are a little...well...different. Driving here is insane...but I have yet to get lost! It's not hard to navigate...but you really just need to forget all rules of the road that you were ever taught, cut off everyone, and only be concerned with getting where you need to be, and you'll be fine. The sessions here have gone ok...they just had a similar session less than a year ago...so they already know what they're talking about. There is 1 woman here though...wow...just wow. She's been a nervous Nelly the entire time, especially since I introduced the online part. She doesn't like change. She showed up early today and told me that she was really nervous and if I didn't explain everything in detail to her and walk her through really slow that she'd cry. Well...I did walk her through it, and she was picking everything up. When she'd ask what she needed to do, I'd start to explain it, and before I could get my entire explanation out, she would already be doing it. I re-assured her MANY times over the morning that she knew what she was doing...but she just wouldn't believe it. After her session was over this morning, I saw her walking through the building, crying. I didn't say anything then, but told one of the sponsors what I saw. When I was walking back in from getting my lunch...she walked in right before me. I asked her how she was doing, and she wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. That really upsets me...but at the same time...I also know that it's not me. The people here know how she is, and have told me they understand. She'll be fine...she just doesn't think she will be. Well...that's not my problem. Sorry...but I'm not a hold your hand and tell you it'll be ok kind of girl. Never have been, never will be.
I found out when I got to the hotel in Boston that I'd be going to Washington State next week. At this point, I'm tired, and I'm ready to be at home for a while...but what am I going to do. I have thought that what is the point of having an office job if I don't get holiday's (this is the second holiday weekend I've lost this year to training). But what am I going to do? I'm on staff, and I really can't say no. So I'm going to Washington State next week to deliver 4 days of sessions, and then am flying directly to Wisconsin to cheer on my friends at IM MOO.
So let's see...short recap:
Kentucky...big hair and Southern accents, but really nice people.
Wisconsin...your typical Mid-Western small town.
Ohio...I don't remember because I was sick.
DC...not as nice as it sounds for being at home.
Salt Lake City...the prettiest place I've been so far...the mountains were a nice touch.
Boston...crazy people that cry...and have the stereotypical Baaaaaastaaaaaan accents.
My friends and co-workers are beginning to give up on my existence. I thought I was heading in the right direction on a couple of things before this all started...and now I think it's been screwed up because I haven't been there. I've tried to see my friends...but trying to fit everything in in the 24 hours I'm at home is nearly impossible...and I'm not sure why some things haven't worked out even though I've tried to make them happen. I miss my friends. I miss being able to plan more than a couple of days in advance...and not having to change plans at the last minute. I thought once I got home tonight that I'd really be home. Now that's changed. I really hope next week is it. I miss doing things from before all this happened. I want to go running or biking with my friends. I want to have time to see a movie, or go to dinner. I don't want to sleep my weekends away when I'm at home because I'm so exhausted.
I've also been thinking about a lot of things I want to do. I actually wrote out a list the other night. Granted...this list is extensive...and will probably take a lifetime to accomplish...but I have ideas. I want to bake really good home-made bread without the assistance of a bread maker. I want to learn how to make home-made strawberry jam. I want to have this really awesome wooden bench with over-stuffed pillows that I can curl up and read in. There's a lot more to the list...but a few things at a time...
In thinking back about what I've written...I had originally hoped it would be more funny...but that's definitely not the feeling that I'm getting afterward...and that's just depressing. Maybe I need more caffeine :)
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