Alright already...I'm going!!
For the last year, I've wanted to go to MOO. For no better reason than I just wanted to. I want to feel the inspiration that I know an IM race will deliver. I want to be there to cheer on my friends.
For the last year I've come up with excuses that finally just made no more sense. I think for a long time, I just couldn't wrap my head around making the plans to go. I always wanted to go, but for one, I didn't think I'd be able to afford it. And on another hand...I've been traveling lately. A lot. Who wants to travel even more when I don't have to?
Apparently, I do.
I've been thinking about everyone going for quite a while, and I've been jealous of everyone that's been going. And I kept telling myself that it would be really great to go. Then a few other people told me that I should make the trip...and still, I resisted.
Then, in a moment of procrastination, I checked into flights...in greater detail that I initially had. Huh...I could actually afford that. And look at that...there's actually still a cheap hotel room available. Hmm...
And still...I kept thinking to myself that it would be really great to go. And for some reason, I still resisted.
It's not like I don't have the vacation time.
And I can afford it.
And after the last month I've had, I deserve a little time off.
And I wouldn't have to work while I'm there.
And I really want to go.
All of a sudden...this little voice in my head said "so go."
So I'm going. At the end of the day...I know it's going to be a really short trip, in which I'm not really going to get to relax. But I know that I'm going to regret not going more than being a little more tired for a little longer.
So a couple of weeks from now, I'm going to wake up before the crack of dawn, trudge my way to my second home, the airport...and fly to Wisconsin to cheer on my friends and teammates.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Motivation
It's been a strange year. Quite obviously, this is not a new theme. But it's been odd...and not the greatest year of my life. But I'm hoping, as I normally do, that something good will come of all of this crap.
The last month, I've been on the road, training for work. I was burnt out after week 2...and since then, I've just let myself get even further down in the dumps. It's been so easy to let myself get further and further down, that I have forgotten what happened directly before I started jet-setting all over the country. I forgot that I had spent 2 months being sick and recovering from surgery, and what I felt during that time.
This morning while I was spinning, I remembered. I'm pissed off at what happened. I'm pissed off that my body turned on me, and forced me to lay on the couch for so long, and let my body go to mush. I'm not talking about being pissed off in an "I hate the world" type of way. I'm talking about the constructive pissed off. Where I use that as motivation.
What's been happening? While on the road, it's so easy to be sad and lonely and use the excuse that I'm tired to not run or spin, or cut my workout short. It's been so easy to use that as an excuse. But I've forgotten. Forgotten that I like doing this. Forgotten that I don't like how it feels to be fat and lazy.
So what am I going to do? Well...try to remember that I have motivation to turn things around. And not use the excuse that I'm tired. The only place that excuse is worthy is after a long run or ride. Anywhere else, and it's just bullshit. I just need to remember that I'm pissed off. Pissed off in a good way. I'll tattoo it on my forehead if I need to. And that will work. I realized this about 10 minutes into my spin this morning. I was at that point where I started getting tired. My legs were starting to feel it. My sit bones started hurting. And I was ready to quit. Just stop. Then I remembered. I remembered to be pissed off. And it worked. Well...it worked for as long as it could possibly work. But at least I finished spinning for the amount of time I had hoped to finish.
70.3...here I come :)
The last month, I've been on the road, training for work. I was burnt out after week 2...and since then, I've just let myself get even further down in the dumps. It's been so easy to let myself get further and further down, that I have forgotten what happened directly before I started jet-setting all over the country. I forgot that I had spent 2 months being sick and recovering from surgery, and what I felt during that time.
This morning while I was spinning, I remembered. I'm pissed off at what happened. I'm pissed off that my body turned on me, and forced me to lay on the couch for so long, and let my body go to mush. I'm not talking about being pissed off in an "I hate the world" type of way. I'm talking about the constructive pissed off. Where I use that as motivation.
What's been happening? While on the road, it's so easy to be sad and lonely and use the excuse that I'm tired to not run or spin, or cut my workout short. It's been so easy to use that as an excuse. But I've forgotten. Forgotten that I like doing this. Forgotten that I don't like how it feels to be fat and lazy.
So what am I going to do? Well...try to remember that I have motivation to turn things around. And not use the excuse that I'm tired. The only place that excuse is worthy is after a long run or ride. Anywhere else, and it's just bullshit. I just need to remember that I'm pissed off. Pissed off in a good way. I'll tattoo it on my forehead if I need to. And that will work. I realized this about 10 minutes into my spin this morning. I was at that point where I started getting tired. My legs were starting to feel it. My sit bones started hurting. And I was ready to quit. Just stop. Then I remembered. I remembered to be pissed off. And it worked. Well...it worked for as long as it could possibly work. But at least I finished spinning for the amount of time I had hoped to finish.
70.3...here I come :)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Can't I Just Be Myself?!?
AKA...you're a slimy man and I now feel like I should shower...again.
There's a guy in my building...who used to work in the office...and when I locked myself out of my apartment tonight...he was actually quite helpful. He called the guy that could let me in...and then let me hang out on his balcony with a glass of wine while we waited.
I've known him for a while...and what he did tonight was very nice...but at the same time...I was constantly reminded of one thing...he's a slimy guy who I wouldn't trust further than I could throw him. As we were waiting...he was asking what was going on...because clearly I was a little upset.
I told him what's been going on in my life...and when it came to the relationship part of my life (or lack thereof) everything he suggested was just...well...gross. Better yet...it wasn't me. He told me that I should always have one waiting for me when I come home from a trip...and in case he's not available...I should have a couple of back-ups. That's not me. It's just not.
He made me laugh...which in the situation...was needed...but at the same time...it was eye opening.
I realized a while ago that I'm a relationship person...and that whoever I end up with has to like me for myself. If I can't be myself around someone...or if someone doesn't like who I am...then they're clearly not the person for me.
I just hate when other people try to tell me what I need to do...when that's just not me.
There's a guy in my building...who used to work in the office...and when I locked myself out of my apartment tonight...he was actually quite helpful. He called the guy that could let me in...and then let me hang out on his balcony with a glass of wine while we waited.
I've known him for a while...and what he did tonight was very nice...but at the same time...I was constantly reminded of one thing...he's a slimy guy who I wouldn't trust further than I could throw him. As we were waiting...he was asking what was going on...because clearly I was a little upset.
I told him what's been going on in my life...and when it came to the relationship part of my life (or lack thereof) everything he suggested was just...well...gross. Better yet...it wasn't me. He told me that I should always have one waiting for me when I come home from a trip...and in case he's not available...I should have a couple of back-ups. That's not me. It's just not.
He made me laugh...which in the situation...was needed...but at the same time...it was eye opening.
I realized a while ago that I'm a relationship person...and that whoever I end up with has to like me for myself. If I can't be myself around someone...or if someone doesn't like who I am...then they're clearly not the person for me.
I just hate when other people try to tell me what I need to do...when that's just not me.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Up in the Air: Changing Perspectives
I don’t want to end up like George.
I’ve been traveling a lot lately. Too much really. To the point where I’m not sure what my normal life is (was) like anymore. I watched the movie Up in the Air a few months ago…and even then, there was a sense of déjà vu. It was creepy. I didn’t like it. I like it even less now.
For the past few weeks, my life has been lived in airports and crappy hotels, and classrooms with large groups of strangers. I thought I liked my job…I at least thought I liked that part of it. And really…I do…just not this much of it.
I’m definitely a routines person. A planner…sort of. When I’m at home, I get up, I make coffee, and I read for a while. Then I get ready, and go to work. I take the same route to work. It’s comfortable. But now, I feel out of whack. When traveling, I try to keep the same routine, but it’s really hard. I do get up, and I make coffee. But when in a hotel room with cable, I’ve been watching TV in the morning. For some reason, reading just doesn’t have the same catch. Maybe my brain feels overly taxed right now.
When delivering a training session, it’s like I’m a performing monkey for 7 hours. I’m always “on.” Then I go back to my hotel room and “relax.” Which really means I sit on my arse and watch TV. This is another part of my daily routine I miss. When I’m at home, I go for runs, or a bike ride. Sometimes I swim…but it’s been a while for that. But hey…my Dr. told me not to yet. Though I’m pretty sure if I wanted to, I could by now. I feel out of sorts. Working out keeps me grounded…it feels good.
I also eat like crap when I travel. I don’t know how to change that. I should know. But it just seems like it’s really difficult for me. I think part of it is emotions. I eat because I think it’s going to make me happy…and justify it that way…but really…that’s crap. It doesn’t make me happy. If anything, it makes me feel worse about myself.
I know that this isn’t going to last forever. But the next 2 weeks feel like forever. It’s really hard to see the end of all of this. Maybe because I’m directly in the middle of it.
I know right now I’m not happy. But I’m not sure what will make me happy. Part of me thinks that if I had someone to come home to, that would make me happy. Or if I did this…or that. At this point, I’m not even sure getting back to DC and back to my normal life is going to make me happy.
Not that he knows it, but I’ve been hijacking one of my friend’s dreams of opening a B&B. Not so much the day to day running of the B&B…the part I focus on is sitting on the front porch in a pair of jeans reading a book. Now of course, never having stayed at a B&B before, my mind immediately goes to a B&B on the beach…because I’m thinking of Nicolas Sparks novels where all of the B&B’s are on the beach. Don’t get me wrong. I hate the beach. I hate sand. But sitting on the porch with the ocean right in front of me sounds pretty damn good right about now.
I don’t know if that’s really what I want for my life. I know before I was happy living in DC. I enjoyed living there, I enjoyed working there. I enjoyed the use of public transportation. I did like my job…a lot.
In my logical brain, I know that right now is not the time to be making any major life changing decisions. I do know that. But my brain has to think of something just for sanity’s sake. I imagine moving out of DC, and settling down. Buying a house with a front porch. Or a back porch. Somewhere where I could have a grill. Oh…did I mention the dog sitting at my feet? Yes…a dog. I want a dog. I travel too much to where I couldn’t have any kind of animal without spending half of my salary in dog sitting fees.
I’m not sure where this magical place is. I do know that I haven’t been there yet. I’ve been back in Middle America this week. It definitely reminds me of home. But I do know that I’m also not ready to move back to a place like that. But the slower life style seems to fit me. But then again, DC fits too.
I know I don’t want to end up like George in Up in the Air…but that’s definitely what I feel like right now. I’m the sad person that travels way too much, calls the airport home as much as any other place…and doesn’t have anything to come home too. George abandoned his family in the movie…and I could never see myself doing that…but at the same time…I have my parents…that I talk to but rarely see. Other than that…what do I have?
I have some friends…and I’m trying to make more of an effort to see them when I’m home. Why even last week…I leapt. I was tired…and felt like drinking…and instead of sitting at home on the couch…I accepted an offer to hang out with someone who I truly admire. We didn’t do much…we went to Jazz in the Garden…and drank Sangria. It’s not something I would normally have done…and I don’t know why. It was fun. I had a really good time. And instead of actually listening to the jazz…we drank and talked…which is basically what everyone else was doing too. Much more fun that sitting on the couch drinking wine by myself.
Tomorrow I’m going to the movies with my roommate…who even when we’re both in town, we rarely see one another. And I know she misses me. She even told me so. It’s nice knowing that she’s there…even if we don’t see each other that often. And we’re going to the baseball game next weekend. That will definitely be fun…and another friend is joining us. It should be interesting if nothing else.
But even with those things…it seems like something else is missing. I take a cab home from the airport. I don’t have anyone here that (even if it’s a surprise) picks me up from the airport. I want the missing piece. I want to settle down. No more spending 45 minutes on the phone trying to change airline tickets for the next week. No more dragging my suitcase through the airport, waiting in line to go through security. No more packing on autopilot. No more spending 24 hours at home, and having a list the length of my arm of things I need to complete.
I know that I’m sick (literally) and tired (exhausted) right now. And I know that it’s not going to last forever. I know that, because, if it did last forever, it would kill me. And maybe I’m just venting right now. But it seems like I’m looking at things a lot differently now. I don’t want to end up like George…sad and alone. But that’s what I feel like right now.
I’ve been traveling a lot lately. Too much really. To the point where I’m not sure what my normal life is (was) like anymore. I watched the movie Up in the Air a few months ago…and even then, there was a sense of déjà vu. It was creepy. I didn’t like it. I like it even less now.
For the past few weeks, my life has been lived in airports and crappy hotels, and classrooms with large groups of strangers. I thought I liked my job…I at least thought I liked that part of it. And really…I do…just not this much of it.
I’m definitely a routines person. A planner…sort of. When I’m at home, I get up, I make coffee, and I read for a while. Then I get ready, and go to work. I take the same route to work. It’s comfortable. But now, I feel out of whack. When traveling, I try to keep the same routine, but it’s really hard. I do get up, and I make coffee. But when in a hotel room with cable, I’ve been watching TV in the morning. For some reason, reading just doesn’t have the same catch. Maybe my brain feels overly taxed right now.
When delivering a training session, it’s like I’m a performing monkey for 7 hours. I’m always “on.” Then I go back to my hotel room and “relax.” Which really means I sit on my arse and watch TV. This is another part of my daily routine I miss. When I’m at home, I go for runs, or a bike ride. Sometimes I swim…but it’s been a while for that. But hey…my Dr. told me not to yet. Though I’m pretty sure if I wanted to, I could by now. I feel out of sorts. Working out keeps me grounded…it feels good.
I also eat like crap when I travel. I don’t know how to change that. I should know. But it just seems like it’s really difficult for me. I think part of it is emotions. I eat because I think it’s going to make me happy…and justify it that way…but really…that’s crap. It doesn’t make me happy. If anything, it makes me feel worse about myself.
I know that this isn’t going to last forever. But the next 2 weeks feel like forever. It’s really hard to see the end of all of this. Maybe because I’m directly in the middle of it.
I know right now I’m not happy. But I’m not sure what will make me happy. Part of me thinks that if I had someone to come home to, that would make me happy. Or if I did this…or that. At this point, I’m not even sure getting back to DC and back to my normal life is going to make me happy.
Not that he knows it, but I’ve been hijacking one of my friend’s dreams of opening a B&B. Not so much the day to day running of the B&B…the part I focus on is sitting on the front porch in a pair of jeans reading a book. Now of course, never having stayed at a B&B before, my mind immediately goes to a B&B on the beach…because I’m thinking of Nicolas Sparks novels where all of the B&B’s are on the beach. Don’t get me wrong. I hate the beach. I hate sand. But sitting on the porch with the ocean right in front of me sounds pretty damn good right about now.
I don’t know if that’s really what I want for my life. I know before I was happy living in DC. I enjoyed living there, I enjoyed working there. I enjoyed the use of public transportation. I did like my job…a lot.
In my logical brain, I know that right now is not the time to be making any major life changing decisions. I do know that. But my brain has to think of something just for sanity’s sake. I imagine moving out of DC, and settling down. Buying a house with a front porch. Or a back porch. Somewhere where I could have a grill. Oh…did I mention the dog sitting at my feet? Yes…a dog. I want a dog. I travel too much to where I couldn’t have any kind of animal without spending half of my salary in dog sitting fees.
I’m not sure where this magical place is. I do know that I haven’t been there yet. I’ve been back in Middle America this week. It definitely reminds me of home. But I do know that I’m also not ready to move back to a place like that. But the slower life style seems to fit me. But then again, DC fits too.
I know I don’t want to end up like George in Up in the Air…but that’s definitely what I feel like right now. I’m the sad person that travels way too much, calls the airport home as much as any other place…and doesn’t have anything to come home too. George abandoned his family in the movie…and I could never see myself doing that…but at the same time…I have my parents…that I talk to but rarely see. Other than that…what do I have?
I have some friends…and I’m trying to make more of an effort to see them when I’m home. Why even last week…I leapt. I was tired…and felt like drinking…and instead of sitting at home on the couch…I accepted an offer to hang out with someone who I truly admire. We didn’t do much…we went to Jazz in the Garden…and drank Sangria. It’s not something I would normally have done…and I don’t know why. It was fun. I had a really good time. And instead of actually listening to the jazz…we drank and talked…which is basically what everyone else was doing too. Much more fun that sitting on the couch drinking wine by myself.
Tomorrow I’m going to the movies with my roommate…who even when we’re both in town, we rarely see one another. And I know she misses me. She even told me so. It’s nice knowing that she’s there…even if we don’t see each other that often. And we’re going to the baseball game next weekend. That will definitely be fun…and another friend is joining us. It should be interesting if nothing else.
But even with those things…it seems like something else is missing. I take a cab home from the airport. I don’t have anyone here that (even if it’s a surprise) picks me up from the airport. I want the missing piece. I want to settle down. No more spending 45 minutes on the phone trying to change airline tickets for the next week. No more dragging my suitcase through the airport, waiting in line to go through security. No more packing on autopilot. No more spending 24 hours at home, and having a list the length of my arm of things I need to complete.
I know that I’m sick (literally) and tired (exhausted) right now. And I know that it’s not going to last forever. I know that, because, if it did last forever, it would kill me. And maybe I’m just venting right now. But it seems like I’m looking at things a lot differently now. I don’t want to end up like George…sad and alone. But that’s what I feel like right now.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I'm just so tired.
I'm tired. Really, really tired. It's not the same tired that I felt when I was sick. This is just pure mental exhaustion. I don't even remember when this started...this tiredness. I don't remember what triggered it. But I know how I feel right now. I have a headache. My body hurts. I'm nauseous I don't want to keep my eyes open. I want to go back to bed, and curl up in my blankets...pull them over my head and disappear.
Yesterday was definitely not a good day. It was my one "day off" before leaving again. And I definitely use the term "day off" loosely. I couldn't relax at all. There are so many things that need to be done that I couldn't relax. The only time that I really spent for myself yesterday was when I ran. Don't get me wrong...that was good...but the rest of the day was pretty crappy.
I had to make sure I downloaded all of the materials I needed for this week. Then go to Staples and have them printed. Do laundry so I actually have clothes to wear. And do everything else that I'm supposed to do...all so I can leave again.
By 7:30 last night...I hadn't even gotten my suitcase out. I couldn't. I couldn't even imagine opening that empty suitcase and filling it. So much so that the image of clothes laying out on my bed made me cry. I didn't want to do it...and when I finally forced myself to do it...it was on autopilot.
Being this tired...this burnt out...causes a lot of feelings that I normally wouldn't have. Don't get me wrong...depending on the day...I'm either the most confident person you've ever talked to...or the most insecure. Recently...there have been a lot less insecure days...but yesterday was definitely one of them. Between buying a new dress that...let's face it...just makes me look really fat...and not being able to relax...and worrying about work...which of course ends up making me feel bad about everything that's not perfect in my life. It's a domino effect.
I feel like I have no backbone. No strength left. No support. There is no "just keep going." I feel like I can't do it. I just can't. I don't want to. And really, it just makes me feel so much more...alone.
Now we're on a completely different topic. I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. There was an episode that I watched where one of the character's has Asberger's...and she freaks out. And what she needs to calm herself down is to be held. It helps decrease your blood pressure. It's been so long since I've felt that. So long. I don't think I even remember what it feels like.
I've went on one date in the past year...and it was horrible. Awful. You keep hearing people asking what's wrong with themselves that they can't get a date. I try to think that it's just that I have ridiculously high standards...and that when the timing is right...it'll come along. But maybe it is me. Sometimes I think I've lost the opportunity to have a relationship...or even friends. And I don't know how that happened. I don't know. Yesterday...I was having an ugly/fat day. Ok...so I'm still kind of having it. Of course I'm going to be alone forever. Who would ever want me?
I thought writing about this would help me put things in perspective...at least sort out my thoughts. But it seems like it's only made things more cloudy. More confusing.
I do know I hate feeling like this. I miss feeling like it was ok to walk around in my cycling shorts...or that it really is ok to wear a swimsuit. I miss that confidence. I want it back. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop looking at my stomach and physically being able to see how much more fat is there now.
I want to be happy again.
Yesterday was definitely not a good day. It was my one "day off" before leaving again. And I definitely use the term "day off" loosely. I couldn't relax at all. There are so many things that need to be done that I couldn't relax. The only time that I really spent for myself yesterday was when I ran. Don't get me wrong...that was good...but the rest of the day was pretty crappy.
I had to make sure I downloaded all of the materials I needed for this week. Then go to Staples and have them printed. Do laundry so I actually have clothes to wear. And do everything else that I'm supposed to do...all so I can leave again.
By 7:30 last night...I hadn't even gotten my suitcase out. I couldn't. I couldn't even imagine opening that empty suitcase and filling it. So much so that the image of clothes laying out on my bed made me cry. I didn't want to do it...and when I finally forced myself to do it...it was on autopilot.
Being this tired...this burnt out...causes a lot of feelings that I normally wouldn't have. Don't get me wrong...depending on the day...I'm either the most confident person you've ever talked to...or the most insecure. Recently...there have been a lot less insecure days...but yesterday was definitely one of them. Between buying a new dress that...let's face it...just makes me look really fat...and not being able to relax...and worrying about work...which of course ends up making me feel bad about everything that's not perfect in my life. It's a domino effect.
I feel like I have no backbone. No strength left. No support. There is no "just keep going." I feel like I can't do it. I just can't. I don't want to. And really, it just makes me feel so much more...alone.
Now we're on a completely different topic. I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. There was an episode that I watched where one of the character's has Asberger's...and she freaks out. And what she needs to calm herself down is to be held. It helps decrease your blood pressure. It's been so long since I've felt that. So long. I don't think I even remember what it feels like.
I've went on one date in the past year...and it was horrible. Awful. You keep hearing people asking what's wrong with themselves that they can't get a date. I try to think that it's just that I have ridiculously high standards...and that when the timing is right...it'll come along. But maybe it is me. Sometimes I think I've lost the opportunity to have a relationship...or even friends. And I don't know how that happened. I don't know. Yesterday...I was having an ugly/fat day. Ok...so I'm still kind of having it. Of course I'm going to be alone forever. Who would ever want me?
I thought writing about this would help me put things in perspective...at least sort out my thoughts. But it seems like it's only made things more cloudy. More confusing.
I do know I hate feeling like this. I miss feeling like it was ok to walk around in my cycling shorts...or that it really is ok to wear a swimsuit. I miss that confidence. I want it back. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop looking at my stomach and physically being able to see how much more fat is there now.
I want to be happy again.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Remember when...
I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. I was off work for 2 weeks, and literally did nothing except lay on the couch. And I went crazy. Absolutely stir crazy.
Now it's August. More appropriately ARRRRRgust.
It's the busy season. Which means everyone at work is drowning, and I will be home for 1 week. One. Week. And even then...not in the office.
I don't mind traveling. I actually enjoy it. But I miss my bed when I'm gone. And it's a range of emotions. And there are other things. There are a lot of other things. I love delivering training sessions. I love getting to work with teachers and administrators, and seeing the fact that what I'm telling them is actually sinking in. Their excitement to take this information back to their classrooms, where it will only benefit the children they teach is quite rewarding.
But like I said. There are other things. I still have a massive amount of work that I'm responsible for that no one else can help me with because they're all drowning too. And for as much as I have hated to admit it, I'm not superwoman, and there are just some things that I can't get done. Not immediately. And some people that want these things done want it done yesterday...and when it's not...they push...they push and they make me look bad for not getting to everything. It's hard. It's hard for me to accept that I just can't get everything done.
Other than not being able to be Superwoman...the traveling is hard. When I'm actually delivering the training session, I'm always on. It's like I'm performing for 7 hours a day, entertaining the group of people that have no idea who I am. Then, once the day is done, I head back to my hotel room...where I sit in my hotel room, likely eating room service and watching reruns on TV. It's the drastic 180 that's needed...but also a little maddening. It's extreme. Don't even mention any sight-seeing of any kind...because I'm quite certain I saw all of Eastern Kentucky that I needed to see on the drive from the airport. And after a day of performing, I need to decompress. But it gets lonely.
I eat like crap when I travel. I get one day at home...and that day isn't relaxing. It definitely hasn't been relaxing today. I have this one day to get everything done that I need to get done. Laundry. Cleaning. Shopping.
I've already had a couple of moments where I was ready to throw in the towel. And it's just the beginning of the month. There's a lot more of this to go...
So to that I say...
Remember when? Remember when I got to lay at home and watch movies all day. Granted, I couldn't run. So let's say...I'd gladly take another week of being able to lay on the couch, as long as I could run whenever I want too. Is that too much to ask? Unfortunately for now...yes...it is too much to ask.
Now it's August. More appropriately ARRRRRgust.
It's the busy season. Which means everyone at work is drowning, and I will be home for 1 week. One. Week. And even then...not in the office.
I don't mind traveling. I actually enjoy it. But I miss my bed when I'm gone. And it's a range of emotions. And there are other things. There are a lot of other things. I love delivering training sessions. I love getting to work with teachers and administrators, and seeing the fact that what I'm telling them is actually sinking in. Their excitement to take this information back to their classrooms, where it will only benefit the children they teach is quite rewarding.
But like I said. There are other things. I still have a massive amount of work that I'm responsible for that no one else can help me with because they're all drowning too. And for as much as I have hated to admit it, I'm not superwoman, and there are just some things that I can't get done. Not immediately. And some people that want these things done want it done yesterday...and when it's not...they push...they push and they make me look bad for not getting to everything. It's hard. It's hard for me to accept that I just can't get everything done.
Other than not being able to be Superwoman...the traveling is hard. When I'm actually delivering the training session, I'm always on. It's like I'm performing for 7 hours a day, entertaining the group of people that have no idea who I am. Then, once the day is done, I head back to my hotel room...where I sit in my hotel room, likely eating room service and watching reruns on TV. It's the drastic 180 that's needed...but also a little maddening. It's extreme. Don't even mention any sight-seeing of any kind...because I'm quite certain I saw all of Eastern Kentucky that I needed to see on the drive from the airport. And after a day of performing, I need to decompress. But it gets lonely.
I eat like crap when I travel. I get one day at home...and that day isn't relaxing. It definitely hasn't been relaxing today. I have this one day to get everything done that I need to get done. Laundry. Cleaning. Shopping.
I've already had a couple of moments where I was ready to throw in the towel. And it's just the beginning of the month. There's a lot more of this to go...
So to that I say...
Remember when? Remember when I got to lay at home and watch movies all day. Granted, I couldn't run. So let's say...I'd gladly take another week of being able to lay on the couch, as long as I could run whenever I want too. Is that too much to ask? Unfortunately for now...yes...it is too much to ask.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thinking Crazy Thoughts...Again...
While I was sick and recovering from surgery, I made myself a lot of promises. One of them was that I would get my ass back in shape, and hit the training hard. I'm planning to go to the gym and actually work on strength training. I'm going to actually train for this 70.3 that I'm signed up for. And I have been putting a lot of thought into training for a marathon...mainly...because I can. It's August...the beginning of August...and I've ran 4 miles for my longest run...and I'm running the Savage half in September. Really...I haven't been all that concerned about running coming back. I know I can run. Other stuff...I'm going to have to work on a little harder.
So there are 3 races...marathons...that I'm considering...and I'm having a hard time making the leap to sign up for any of them. Here's the time line.
November 13...Beach 2 Battleship 70.3
December 5...Vegas Marathon
January 8-9...Goofy's Challenge
March...something...Shamrock Marathon
That's 3 Marathon's and a Half Ironman in 4 months.
I'm not sure what my normal recovery time is going to be. As soon as I finished Disney this year...I got bronchitis. For normal people...that's not a huge deal...but for an asthmatic...it can be deadly...and it takes a really long time to recover from.
Then...basically as soon as I recovered from the plague...I got even more sick...which has been months. I want to do all of them...I just don't know if I can...
So there are 3 races...marathons...that I'm considering...and I'm having a hard time making the leap to sign up for any of them. Here's the time line.
November 13...Beach 2 Battleship 70.3
December 5...Vegas Marathon
January 8-9...Goofy's Challenge
March...something...Shamrock Marathon
That's 3 Marathon's and a Half Ironman in 4 months.
I'm not sure what my normal recovery time is going to be. As soon as I finished Disney this year...I got bronchitis. For normal people...that's not a huge deal...but for an asthmatic...it can be deadly...and it takes a really long time to recover from.
Then...basically as soon as I recovered from the plague...I got even more sick...which has been months. I want to do all of them...I just don't know if I can...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I didn't ask for this.
I feel like this always happens to me. I meet someone. We start talking. We start flirting. There's a connection there. Then something seemingly unseen happens...and I get insecure yet again. And I get pissed at myself for letting myself like someone.
I didn't ask for it this time. In the past...I've been looking. This time...I had given up. I'd completely given up. Not even wanted anything. And it happened again.
And nothing has happened. I just feel like it's never going to happen. Like I've yet again done something wrong. Like who I am is wrong. And again...he's just going to disappear.
I hate feeling like this. Like who I am is wrong. Like some little insecure person who is just...wrong.
I know part of the problem. I actually know a couple of parts of the problem. But I don't know how to fix them. Part is hormones. Part of it is being "damaged goods." Past relationships that didn't work out making me insecure of who I am.
It doesn't help I'm homesick. I'm actually homesick. I'm in the middle of nowhere...and I miss home. I miss my own bed.
Blerg.
I want this to be over. I didn't want this in the first place.
I didn't ask for it this time. In the past...I've been looking. This time...I had given up. I'd completely given up. Not even wanted anything. And it happened again.
And nothing has happened. I just feel like it's never going to happen. Like I've yet again done something wrong. Like who I am is wrong. And again...he's just going to disappear.
I hate feeling like this. Like who I am is wrong. Like some little insecure person who is just...wrong.
I know part of the problem. I actually know a couple of parts of the problem. But I don't know how to fix them. Part is hormones. Part of it is being "damaged goods." Past relationships that didn't work out making me insecure of who I am.
It doesn't help I'm homesick. I'm actually homesick. I'm in the middle of nowhere...and I miss home. I miss my own bed.
Blerg.
I want this to be over. I didn't want this in the first place.
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