Complete Happiness

There are two differing theories about happiness...at least in my estimation. There is the ability to make oneself happy. And there is the the theory that you can't be happy without being complete without "the one".

I hate these battling theories. My personal feeling is that it's really neither, but more appropriately, a combination of both.

I have, for a very long time, thought that you have to know who you are, and feel confident with who you are, before you can ever be happy with someone else. Unfortunately, I feel like there are far too many people that really don't know who they are before coupling up, and making the leap of getting married. Within my set of friends, I have horrible examples of this. Fortunately...not all of them are examples.

Now moving on to whether or not you can truly make yourself happy. I know that there are people, women specifically, who think feel that they don't need anyone else to make them happy. For those people, that's great, and I applaud the fact that they know what they want.

Then on to the theory of not being truly happy without "the one". I grew up in a home with one of the happiest, most nauseating couples imaginable. I do realize I got a better example of a good marriage than a lot of people my age. But I don't think that it's unattainable.

I'll be the first to admit that I have very high standards when it comes to relationships. I've been in some very bad relationships, and I'm just unwilling to put up with unnecessary BS.

At the moment...I'm done. I have finally realized that I need to take care of myself. For as much as I know that at the end of the day, week, month, year...I do want to be married and have a family. For as much as my heart aches when I see mothers walking their children to school in the morning. I'm done. For now.

There is a theory that as soon as you give up worrying about being in a relationship, you'll find one. I don't even want that thought to cross my mind. I have so many other things that I need to focus on right now, I don't even want to have that thought cross my mind.

In the past, I thought that I had been done...but in the back of my mind, I still had that thought in the back of my mind where if I pretend to give up, I'll find that person. Well, clearly that hasn't worked.

I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow or next week. And maybe at the end of the day, I'll still hope that I'll find that person. But at the same time...I hope I don't. I hope my friends remind me that I need to take care of myself...and that right now, nothing else matters.

There are a couple of things that brought this up. One...I'm definitely not ready to talk about (let's just say boys suck, even if you're not dating them)...and I'm not sure how much I'm ready to talk about the second. Well...let's just say during my Dr. appointment today, my doctor recommended that I have a procedure...which in itself is terrifying enough. But what really did me in, is that it's one of those procedures where I have to take the day off work, and someone has to come with me, and take care of me, and take me home. I don't know that I've ever felt more alone in my life. I have no family that lives in this area, and I'm single. I have some very good friends...but this isn't something that I feel comfortable even thinking about asking one of my friends to do for me. Fortunately, my parents are wonderful, and without hesitation, offered to come half way across the country to be there for me...because that's what parents do. Before I even had my own appointment, I was waiting in the waiting room (like you do) and there was this guy waiting...and while we were waiting, he got a phone call...and he told the other person that his wife was having a procedure done. At the mere mention of the word wife, I teared up. Just because that's what partners do for each other. I have my parents...and I'm thankful for that...but partner is just different.

To say the least...I believe I've had better days.