Race Jitters and Such...

Stupid athlete guide. If I hadn't found it while cleaning Friday evening...and then thought it was a good idea to look through it yesterday morning...I wouldn't be in the predicament that I'm in now.

Ok...so I would still be freaking out about the race...but since the athlete guide is what really set me off...I'm blaming that. Oh...if only I hadn't thought that it was a good idea to plan ahead and figure out what I'd need for next weekend.

Next weekend. And I say this with the most sincerity imaginable. Hooooo....lleeee.....shit.

What was I thinking? How could attempting to cross 70.3 miles in one day while swimming, biking, and running be a good idea. 4 months after surgery no less. Less than 2 months since I stopped traveling about the country for work.

This is a bad idea...and I'm an idiot. What kind of nerve do I have thinking that *I* could *possibly* be able to do this.

I've come to terms with the fact that realistically I really may not be able to finish. I did just have to start over working out 3 and a half months ago. And for 2 months after that, I didn't get to focus on working out like I should have been.

Never mind the fact that last weekend I ran 12 miles and spent 3 hours on my bike. Never mind the fact that I've had a couple (yes...only a couple) of good swim work outs. Never mind the fact that I've actually been able to tell a difference in my strength, and how some of my workouts are actually feeling good instead of making me feel like I'm dieing. Never mind the fact that all of the previous statements about my inability to do this goes through my head BEFORE EVERY FREAKING RACE!!

In the logical part of my mind, I see what's going on...I think. As I said, I have come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to finish all 70.3 miles. I'm going to get as far as I possibly can...and know that everything from this point forward is all getting me through next November.

The race jitters are something completely different. The race jitters don't make me think that I won't be able to finish. The race jitters make me think I won't be able to start. And I've specifically narrowed it down to where the problem lies. The bike. At least...that's what it's been for every triathlon I've ever come up to. Except maybe the race where I relayed and only did the bike. For some reason...I don't remember being very nervous before that. Huh.

Anyway...not the point. Right now...I'm looking at my new bike. He's gorgeous...and now that the fit is better...I'm sure it will be more comfortable. Especially now that my saddle isn't all wonky. But there's something about the bike leg in general that makes me freak out. But there's something about getting on the bike that just makes me ridiculously nervous...to the point where I don't want to go for a bike ride. And I have no clue why. Yes...I've crashed. But so have a lot of other people that get back in the saddle immediately. One way or another...over the next year...Cedric and I are going to have to come to terms. Somehow...we're going to need to figure out what the problem is...and fix it.

It very well could be that I'm just not comfortable because I haven't spend enough time actually riding. Which is very possible. Unfortunately...I live in the middle of DC...which makes me not want to ride because I value my life. And the traffic here scares the shit out of me even when I'm in a car. Let alone, out there for the world to slam into me and make me go flying.

During my bike fit on Wednesday...Ken told me that he wanted me to leave being absolutely comfortable on my bike. I didn't want to go into detail...but the thought crossed my mind that if he could really make me comfortable on my bike...I'd probably love him forever. And I'm not just talking about how he fixed my saddle fit my "stupendously long legs." Something makes me think I'm not there yet. Maybe when my new stem comes in.

And now that it's cold outside...that makes me want to go for a ride even less.

I hate being cold. I dealt with marathon training last year in the cold because marathon training on a treadmill would have killed me. And this year...I'm buying different clothes. Something that will not only keep me warm...but also block out the wind. That should help. But really...when it's cold outside, I want to curl up next to a fire with a cup of hot chocolate and read a book.

And preferably...I would like it to be that cold exactly once a year so I can get it out of my system...and then it can go back to 70 degree weather. Thankyouverymuch.

For all intents and purposes...I should hate swimming. I suck at swimming. No really, I do. I'm ridiculously slow, and every time I race...everything I have learned about form goes completely out the window...and I just try to survive any way possible. But I don't. I don't enjoy swimming when I'm tired...because I feel even more sluggish...so most days when I've had a long day at work...and I'm already really tired...I skip the pool. But I am committed to not stopping swimming all together this year over the winter like I did last year. I had gotten so much better by the end of the season last year...and then...again...had to start over. And I really don't hate swimming. It actually relaxes me in most cases. I think over the next year...as long as I keep up going to the pool...I'll be fine.

But now...back to the issue at hand. In the past...before every race that I've been this nervous...I've successfully crossed the finish line. And I've actually crossed in a rather ok form. But knowing that...still isn't going to help me this week. I foresee a long week...where I might be a little cranky...and will eventually be unable to pack. Part of me wants to hide in my apartment and not go anywhere or do anything. But I do know that that will do nothing for my race jitters, and the depression that will set in if I don't leave. Besides...I have to get out and go to work. And I am forcing myself to get out. I have to...or I will continue to go crazy.

One last thought before I completely kick myself in the ass and get going with my day (which actually started several hours ago). It's about the races where I haven't been nervous before...or just didn't really care about. Savageman last year...I thought "no big deal" before. And got my ass kicked hard. Giant Acorn this year...well...I haven't talked much about that...and my inability to finish that race. Part of me remembers that I was there to have fun...and finishing wouldn't have been fun. Part of me beats myself up thinking about how I quit. So...therefore...I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it. I probably should...but that is definitely for another time.