I'm not quite sure how to start this. I have about a million thoughts roaming through my head right now, and I'm not sure I can even get them straight so it could make sense.
I guess to start with, the most oppressive thought right now is I'm alone. I have been for a long time, but the past couple of months I have had an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I know that moving to DC has been the right thing for me. And I have met some amazing people since I've been here. But I don't have anyone that's mine more than they are anyone else's. Since my old roommate moved back home, I have no one to go to dinner with, or go to the movies. My phone doesn't ring.
I understand that life is busy for everyone. It's definitely busy for me. I get that life is busy. But I don't want it to be so busy that we can't or won't make time for other people.
5 years ago, if you had asked me, I would have told you that I wanted to get married. And I always have wanted to. But I never wanted to have children when I was growing up. I was too afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent. As I got a little older, it was more that I didn't want to have children with my ex...and his family. And somewhere since then, it has changed into a husband a children are all I want. So many times I have thought that I would gladly give up everything in my life to have a husband and children. I don't want to have to give up my life. I want to continue to be able to do crazy endurance sports. I want to work. But I want that too. And if I had to choose just one...I'd go with the family.
I think it hit the hardest when my Grandma mentioned to my Aunt over Christmas that I would be a good mom one day. For most people, this might not be an unusual comment to hear from a Grandma, but it's definitely a rare comment coming from my Grandma. It isn't that she doesn't love us. She just tends to be very reserved with her affection. And a comment like that means a lot.
Writing something like this is not an easy thing for me to do. Talking about my feelings, asking for help, etc...not something I do easily, or without feeling guilty. And I have contemplated for a long time writing about how I have been feeling. You could say I'm more the "suffer in silence" type. In this particular case, one of the things that I absolutely don't want, and a major factor in my hesitation, is the relatively phony sounding "Oh that's not true, we love you, you're wonderful" type comments. Ok, so whoever reads that might not be thinking that exact same thing. But I guarantee someone would come up with something like that. And to be honest, I don't want to hear it. That's not my purpose in writing this. Consider this one, big vent.
I have a type...of guy...that I like. And sadly, I've never dated someone that was "my type." There is a list of stuff that I really want. The list has a name. But I would probably get made fun of. And besides, it's a personal thing. 6'4". Brown hair. Brown eyes. Killer smile. Good with a first aid kit. Strong enough to pick me up off the ground when (not if) I need it. And there are moments I want to bury my face in the crook of his (whoever he might be) shoulder and get a hug. Sometimes, it's hard for me to breathe I want that so much.
I have, however, dated a few guys that are really not my type, and frankly, probably shouldn't be anyone's type. Not so nice guys. But I didn't think I could do any better...so I went with it. But now, most of the time, I do know better, and I refuse to settle. Not anymore. I know it's better to be single than to be in a relationship that isn't good. But it's so much better to be in a relationship that's good. I can make the bed by myself. But it's so much easier when there's someone else to help.
I sometimes think that maybe I'm so wrapped up in my own (the right word is failing me...misery, loneliness, pity) that I don't see what I could be doing for someone else. How I can be a good friend to someone else? And I think a lot of times that problem isn't just mine. I think sometimes I don't want to bug people, so I just don't say anything. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll annoy the other person. Or sometimes I just get tired of making the effort all the time. My mom always tells me that I need to make an effort to keep that connection with people. But when it seems like you're pulling teeth just to get there, and you're not getting anything in return, it's not much fun sometimes. But you have to do it, because the other person just isn't going to. And unfortunately, most of the people I can't exactly get rid of.
Some days, it seems like I check my email a thousand times, begging to get an email from someone. And it seems pathetic. And 99.9% of the time, I'm completely disappointed. I just keep hoping, someday, out of the blue, something is going to click.
You know, for as much as I am hopeful, I've just about given up on ever finding "the one." I try to keep faith, but at the same time, I am scared to get my hopes up, because it really might not ever happen. I know, I know, I still have time. But at the ripe age of 29.75, it feels like I've waiting long enough. And I don't really want to be 40 chasing a toddler around.
Turning things around a little. I don't want it to seem like I never get anything from my friends. I do, occasionally, and when I do, it probably means more to me than people realize. Just the offer of a ride, or someone telling me they look forward to seeing me means a lot. Definitely something I could probably use more of.
Turning back now (please forgive me, but this is a vent after all). I'm invisible sometimes. Sometimes it's an "out of sight, out of mind" type of invisible. I'm not in the room, so people forget, or just don't care, how awesome I normally am. Sometimes, I'm in the room, and people just don't see me. And I know that it isn't just me. But a good example. I was waiting to get on a plane this morning, and I was patiently waiting to walk up to the counter to have my boarding pass scanned. They were holding off a bit because the jet bridge was getting backed up, so I hung back a bit, but I thought it was still rather obvious I was waiting to get on the plane. And a group of about 10 people walked up and walked right past me, and cut in line. I had a bright orange dress on, and they were so wrapped up in their own world that they couldn't see me standing there waiting to get on the plane. And the guy that sat in front of me kept fidgeting in his seat, completely oblivious to the fact that the girl sitting behind him has ridiculously long legs and is going to end up with bruised knees because he kept pushing his seat back, and kept hitting me. Again, I get that this doesn't just happen to me.
So anyway, I still have a lot going through my mind. But I'm not sure if I can continue to write right now. So if you've made it through this far, thanks for letting me vent. :)
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