I'm just so tired.

I'm tired. Really, really tired. It's not the same tired that I felt when I was sick. This is just pure mental exhaustion. I don't even remember when this started...this tiredness. I don't remember what triggered it. But I know how I feel right now. I have a headache. My body hurts. I'm nauseous I don't want to keep my eyes open. I want to go back to bed, and curl up in my blankets...pull them over my head and disappear.

Yesterday was definitely not a good day. It was my one "day off" before leaving again. And I definitely use the term "day off" loosely. I couldn't relax at all. There are so many things that need to be done that I couldn't relax. The only time that I really spent for myself yesterday was when I ran. Don't get me wrong...that was good...but the rest of the day was pretty crappy.

I had to make sure I downloaded all of the materials I needed for this week. Then go to Staples and have them printed. Do laundry so I actually have clothes to wear. And do everything else that I'm supposed to do...all so I can leave again.

By 7:30 last night...I hadn't even gotten my suitcase out. I couldn't. I couldn't even imagine opening that empty suitcase and filling it. So much so that the image of clothes laying out on my bed made me cry. I didn't want to do it...and when I finally forced myself to do it...it was on autopilot.

Being this tired...this burnt out...causes a lot of feelings that I normally wouldn't have. Don't get me wrong...depending on the day...I'm either the most confident person you've ever talked to...or the most insecure. Recently...there have been a lot less insecure days...but yesterday was definitely one of them. Between buying a new dress that...let's face it...just makes me look really fat...and not being able to relax...and worrying about work...which of course ends up making me feel bad about everything that's not perfect in my life. It's a domino effect.

I feel like I have no backbone. No strength left. No support. There is no "just keep going." I feel like I can't do it. I just can't. I don't want to. And really, it just makes me feel so much more...alone.

Now we're on a completely different topic. I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. There was an episode that I watched where one of the character's has Asberger's...and she freaks out. And what she needs to calm herself down is to be held. It helps decrease your blood pressure. It's been so long since I've felt that. So long. I don't think I even remember what it feels like.

I've went on one date in the past year...and it was horrible. Awful. You keep hearing people asking what's wrong with themselves that they can't get a date. I try to think that it's just that I have ridiculously high standards...and that when the timing is right...it'll come along. But maybe it is me. Sometimes I think I've lost the opportunity to have a relationship...or even friends. And I don't know how that happened. I don't know. Yesterday...I was having an ugly/fat day. Ok...so I'm still kind of having it. Of course I'm going to be alone forever. Who would ever want me?

I thought writing about this would help me put things in perspective...at least sort out my thoughts. But it seems like it's only made things more cloudy. More confusing.

I do know I hate feeling like this. I miss feeling like it was ok to walk around in my cycling shorts...or that it really is ok to wear a swimsuit. I miss that confidence. I want it back. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop looking at my stomach and physically being able to see how much more fat is there now.

I want to be happy again.