...I agree with everyone that ever thought I was crazy for wanting to do an Ironman.
I admit it. I'm a worrier. I come from a long line of worriers. So, at least I come by it honestly. In the past, though not a common occurrence, I have been known to wake up in the middle of the night, so worried about some random topic, I can't get back to sleep. It could be money, work, anything. Then, in the morning, it's normally all better.
Last night, I didn't even have the opportunity to get to sleep before the worry started. Out of no where, I suddenly started freaking out about not making the swim cut off in Arizona. I tried to calm myself down, think the logical things about my swimming ability. That even if I maintain my current, slow pace, I would still make the cut off. I tried thinking about other things. And for well over an hour, not much worked. Though, at one point, I did drift off, only to suddenly be awake, grabbing at my chest, because my heart was racing so much, I feared it was going to jump out of my chest. I feared that even though I know swimming is my weak spot, I hadn't done enough practice, and that I won't get enough long swims in, and even though I've done long swims, it's not the actual distance...blah blah blah crazy talk.
There is a part of me that fears starting, because there is a chance, because there is always a chance, that I will not finish. And after the year that I've had, I'm not sure that I could handle another failure. And I know that isn't the right attitude. I know that starting is half the battle. Getting to the start line is an accomplishment that many people don't even try. And though the race results from this year might not show it, I know that there is a lot of strength, and stubbornness within me. I know that if I get my face in the water, I can finish the swim. I know that if I get out of the water, I can get on my bike. I know that if I get off my bike, I can run or walk or crawl to the finish line.
So, at this moment there is a war going on in my head between the logical side, and the illogical. The logical side tells me that this is going to hurt no matter what, and it's going to hurt for everyone. The logical side tells me that I have done the training, and that our training plans do a lot more than many others do, so even if I have been on the injured reserved list for a month, I should still be fine. The logical side tells me that it's better to get to the starting line healthy, than to have worried about getting all of the miles in. The illogical side just tells me that I'm batshit crazy, and there's a good possibility that I'll die.
I think above anything else, I'm afraid of letting myself down. And I'm really afraid of letting my family and friends down.
I accidentally stumbled across being able to do this sport. I'd heard of it, but I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would ever be able to do it. I probably first heard about Ironman when I was 8 years old. Of course, the race I heard about was Kona. And at that point, I was the little kid who was overweight, and wasn't active, and I basically remained that way for nearly 20 years after that. But there was always a part of me that thought doing an Ironman was the ultimate badass thing to do. It was an unrealistic goal, one that I didn't worry too much about because until 2 years ago, there was no chance in hell I'd ever do one.
And then I met Ed, and the rest of the Team Z crazy's. And they actually made me think that this might actually be possible. Many times over the past year I have thought about, and realized, that I'm living out a life long dream. And then I immediately stopped thinking about it because it freaked me out. It's kind of a huge thing to realize that you're living out something you've been dreaming about since you were a little kid. And I think that, above anything else, is making me freak out even more. Can't this just remain a dream, and never have to worry about it becoming a reality. Maybe say...you know...one day I'll do this?
No...no it can't. Dreams are made to be realized, and one way or another, 13 days from now, or 10 months from now...it must come true. That one day is coming, and it's coming quickly. I'm absolutely scared out of my mind. And there are a multitude of things that could go wrong, in the days leading up to it, and during the race itself.
But 1, just one thing has to go right, and it will change my life forever. I have to trust in myself, and trust in the training, and beyond anything else...just keep moving forward.
So in the mean time, forgive the wild rantings of a crazy woman...
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