Catatonic vs. Inner Strength

First of all, exciting news.  I finished my first century ride today!!  :):):)  If I had any energy left, I would do a happy dance.  For now, I'll have to settle for a celebratory nap on my couch. 

In the middle of this century, I took a break...and at the end of the break, I happened to check my email.  What I found there was most unexpected.  An email from an old friend, who, at one time, I was quite close to.  To say the least, things did not end well.  The content of this email was nothing I was unaware of, but the source left me nearly catatonic for the better part of 20 minutes. 

I called my mom, because I needed to talk to someone, but wasn't sure what to say.  She understood exactly how I was feeling, and just sat on the phone with me for several minutes while I was simply unable to utter any words.

As I said, the content of the email was nothing I was unaware of.  It basically talked about who I am, and a couple of anecdotes about times I had showed an unexpected amount of strength.  And also about what had happened between us, and long story short, an apology.

It served as a much needed reminder of what I'm capable of doing, and how far I have come.  This week has been...odd.  And has had me thinking about a lot of things in my life.  The past, the present, and the future.  The past is the past, and something I don't want to forget because it has helped shape who I am now.  But there are certain aspects that I rarely talk about, and for those of you who weren't there with me...you'd probably never imagine.  But it's something I'm ready to let go of...and to do that, I'm just going to get it out.  I was in a relationship that was horrible.  And I have scars...emotional scars...from times where I was frequently and obscenely told that I was worthless.  It was an abusive relationship...and it has taken a long time to overcome. 

But what this is really about now is moving past that.  In the past I have had little faith in myself, and a times, those around me.  But it's time to move forward.  In the past week, I've had more reminders than I can count about how wonderful so many people in my life are right now.  It's time I realize, and accept this fact...and that this is my future.  Not cruelty.  So...thanks for being so awesome, and for being there for me when I've needed it. 

For now though, I'm going to listen to the advice of one of my fabulous friends, and I'm going to go to sleep now.