Throwing in the Towel

Instead of turning to one of my friends to talk to, because I am too scared to open up about this, I am doing what I do...which is write. Even my bff, whom I love and adore, I don't feel strong enough to say this to...even though I know she loves me...and knows how crazy I am, or am not. I guess I've just had a hard time opening up about some things. And it feels weird. I guess because I feel like other people will think I'm crazy.

I'm throwing in the towel on a personal life...at least a relationship...ever. It's not that I don't want that...because I do. I want to get married and have a family. I just don't think it's in the cards for me. So I'm giving up on the hope that it's ever going to happen.

Part of me wants to blame a mis-spent youth. Not that I was wild and crazy, because I wasn't. But I wasted a long time on people that didn't deserve me. I've been quite open with a lot of people about my past. I've run the gamut on eating disorders, and tried to kill myself with all of them. I've had the lowest self-esteem possible. And I've allowed myself to let other people make me feel worthless.

I was in a 4 year relationship with a bad guy. The worst type imaginable. He was the guy that everyone loved because he was such a nice guy in public. But behind closed doors, he was a much different person. Aside from just doing all of the normal "bad boyfriend" behavior like never sending me flowers, or sitting on his ass all day while I worked my ass off to pay the bills...it went much deeper and was much worse. He made me feel worthless, and guilty, and that everything was wrong because of me. When he would explode on me, and I do mean explode...it was always my fault...and I always had to seek him out to apologize. I would often find him sulking like a child sitting on the floor of the closet. And his reason for exploding was always that it was my fault. I had pushed him there.

I couldn't talk about it while I was with him. My friends all thought he was this great guy, and hoped that we would get back together. Until I finally was able to tell them what he was really like. I realized after I had broken up with him, and I had had time to heal, that I was like a battered woman. He had only hit me one time...and I told him that if he ever did it again...I would kill him. I think, I hope, that that is the reason why it never went further. But that didn't stop him from putting me down every chance he got.

Relationships since then have been a disaster. When, infrequently, they do happen, I have seen a similar trend. Not that any of them have lasted long enough for it to get that bad. The longest relationship since then has been 3 weeks long, and that only lasted that long because my friends urged me on.

I have notoriously fallen for the wrong guys. Not that I feel like I've really met any that wouldn't have turned into the right one. But it's scary.

My dating history, recently...not so recently...has been pathetic. I've been on one date this year...and it was excruciating. I got asked on another...but he canceled an hour before we were supposed to meet.

Don't get me wrong. I know what I have to offer. I'm smart, I'm funny, I have a job that I love most of the time...and I'm cute damn it. I'm driven. I can also be persistent, and if you don't really know me, my smart ass personality can sometimes come off as me just being a bitch. But that's me. And I'm not about to change who I am. I am a catch, damn it!

I am lonely. I ache to be held again. And I want a person.

I have great friends and family. And they've been there for me. They have. But most of them are married, or in a relationship. And they're really not just mine.

I want those things. I want them more than anything. But what I don't want is the pain from the hope that one day those things are going to happen...and the pain from them not happening yet. So I'm throwing in the towel. I'm going to cry about it. Mourn the hope that I might some day not be in this situation. And hopefully not worry about it. I'll still be lonely. I'll still lie in bed at night wishing that I had someone warm next to me. And I'll forget all of the comments about me still being young, and to not give up. Well...I turn 29 in a few weeks...and I'm quickly approaching the age where women start to have real problems having families. So I'm going to focus on everything else. Focus on work, and on training, and taking care of myself. Because I need to take care of myself...and no one else is going to do it for me.

I just give up...on that.