Well, it's almost my birthday. Birthday's were always a big deal for our family growing up. We always had a big family dinner with lots of presents. And this wasn't just for the kids...it was for everyone. Birthday's had always been a big deal for my mom's family growing up, and she made a big deal for the kids too.
9 years ago, on my birthday, something happened that changed that day for...well...forever. It's something that I have grown to not want to talk about. Maybe it's less that I don't want to talk about it...it's more that I don't want the look of pity that always follows when I tell someone about it.
My grandparents had been sick for a long time...years. And on my 20th birthday my Grandma died. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when she walked in the door of my college apartment to tell me.
The following year, we had a celebration...a huge family party. We tried to make it a good day. But since then, it's been really hard. It's especially been hard on my mom. It was her mom that died...and I know she misses her. I miss her too.
Part of me feels selfish and guilty for saying this...but...I want my day back. I don't ever want to forget my Grandma. I just don't want her death forever associated with my birthday.
I am not normally a person who makes a huge deal out of holidays...except Christmas and my birthday. Christmas is obvious...and my birthday started when I was young. That was always the one day that was mine. We all had to eat what I wanted. I got the type of cake I wanted. People gave me presents. It was a good day for me. And maybe as an adult...less focus should be put on things like that. But I'm tired of the two things now being intertwined.
My friends have been great about celebrating my birthday. But the one phone call that day that should be so wonderful...the call from my mom...the woman who gave birth to me has forever been changed. She hasn't been able to get through a birthday phone call with me without crying...and more often then not, that conversation has turned into an argument.
So...I want my day back. I want that to be a good day. I can't change what happened. But I want my day back.
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